You would think coming to the west coast would mean dating a whole new type of man. I was positive the type of shenanigans I had been putting up with for the last 4 years would just disappear. The "aggressive 'I gotta get mine, you get yours' New York Man" would be replaced by the "pacifist art-appreciating 'I eat organic and brew my own beer' Pacific Northwester".

Nope. Not the case. The packaging may be the different but the content is just the same: Shady as Fuck.

After a month or so checking out the talent on OKCupid and meeting ambivalent men, I just de-activated the account. I have been OKC-free for the last three months.

Let me give you a quick recap of what would happen. Men would be very aggressive online. Sending lots of flirty messages, setting up dates, etc. We would meet and have a fun date. I mean, I'm a fun chick and have a wicked sense of humor! You are not going to be bored. But after all that chase, the follow up would just die down and they would drop the ball. Now, I am not gonna get offended if we didn't hit it off. Like Jay Z said, "I'm on to the next one." I delete your number from my phone and keep it moving.

Here is the thing though: these men wouldn't give you the heads up and say something like, "Hey, you are great just not a good match for me." They just stopped texting you. Which fine by me, you don't have any fucking manners. Good to know. Next.

BUT! (And this has happened to me now 3 times!) Out of nowhere I'll get a text AFTER three months of fucking radio silence saying some bullshit like, "Hi what are you up to this weekend? Drinks? :)"

Who the fuck are you? What kind of giant-sized balls are you carrying around that make you think this is acceptable behavior? And the fucking smiley face? It kills me! Are you seriously trying to be flirty? Should I ignore the fact that you have been missing a whole season? I needed a winter boo...it's spring now bitch! I realized that these shady fuckers just wanted to keep the door open. That's why they disappeared without a trace. Fuck that!

Here is my solution:

Guy: hey wanna get drinks? :)
Me: Who is this? I don't have this number saved on my phone.
Guy: So and so from OKC. Ouch
((radio silence))

That's right ladies. Check their self-esteem and ego at the door. Even if you actually DO still have their number in your phone book, your reply should always be: "Who is this?" Take back your power and don't settle for less. Let them bitches know Spring has sprung.

Posted by Lisa Loveless

Posted by Havilah

A true wooer knows the way to a lady's heart is through lots of complicated and mysterious, seemingly nonsensical acts (or omissions) until landing on the one that works. A true wooer also knows once you hit that nail on the head, you may have completely forgotten which long and winding road you took to get there. A true wooer does not let this stop him/her from wooing. A true wooer woos any-fucking-way.

A true wooer is willing to take the time to look for tickets to a drag show (complete with Michelle Visage and Sharon Needles, among others) despite having little/no interest in the act of watching drag queens prance, because he/she knows the object of their woos LIIIIIIIIIIVES for a good prance!

Open your heart to a wooer, Readers. You may end up with a tranny-filled night of eccentricities, contouring, breast plates, sequins, tucked cocks and C.U.N.T.! Swoon.

No regrets.

Posted by Havilah

Times have changed since you were a new dater, Reader. Things are newer, crueler, more exciting, easier, faster and probably far more damaging. To name just one massive shift; no one's really using phones to make phone calls anymore. That's like...not a thing. We're all texting. Even when we're not texting, we're texting.

In the world of dating, the texting culture is nice for a lot of reasons. It allows for easier and more frequent communication. It also makes it far more acceptable to share little bits of nonsense that happen throughout the boringness that is your sad life, which can actually lead to lovely moments of sharing and shit.

Here's the hate part of my love/hate relationship with texting:
As we know, tone is something that can be entirely lost in a text message. So, when we're feeling particularly vulnerable or sensitive (not that I, myself, ever feel either of those things, because I DON'T!), we stop reading out text messages and start letting our insecurities read them to us. This is always - 100% of the time - bad bad bad.

Por exemplo (that's Spanish. Look it up. Learn something new.) --

I received a text the other day from this guy who's whatever and I was busy doing a jigsaw puzzle or sewing a costume for my dog or something, so I let Nancy read it to me (Nancy is what I've named my insecure-self...it's totally normal, Readers). This fella was responding to an uncharacteristically darling text I had sent earlier (wherein I'd told him I really wanted to kiss him). His response was, "Ya, yo!"

Well, Nancy read that to me in her usual unfriendly tone. And now my fucking feelings are hurt and of course, instead of blaming Nancy (who is really at fault here), I blame the texter. Had he said this to me in person, I probably would have thought it was funny, charming, annoying or whateeeeeverrrrrrrrrrr, but I most likely wouldn't have thought much of it at all. Thus! The Achilles heel of the re-text-tionship. Even when she's not asked, NANCY WILL READ YOUR TEXTS. And Nancy is a stupid how!

We hate Nancy.

Posted by Havilah (with special thanks to Joy)

I think it's important to recognize, Readers, that not all moments in a blossoming fuck-buddyship should be all romance and rosè. Sometimes it's nice to whisper sweet whatevers into each other's sex parts, but other times it's nice to just curse at each other and leave bite marks. (!! A POEM!)

I was reminded of this last week when, at the end of a date, I coyly leaned in to my "friend" and sighed, "I really like you," and he responded by looking down my shirt and saying (mimicking my tone), "Titties!"

For a moment I thought I should be offended, then I remembered what my mama used to say, "You can lead a horse to water but a lot of dudes can get super distracted by tits." And so it is.

Posted by Havilah

Dear Readers, sometimes life is fucking fucked fucking up. Fer real, though. When you're a singleton trying to make his/her way in this wicked world, actively seeking out love and/or actively trying to hold onto it, life gets even fucking more fucking hard. Amifuckingright? I am, Readers. I am fucking right.Here's my suggestion:
Take a day - one full 24-hour period - and dedicate that day entirely to your-own-damn-self. Depending on your needs, this may be something you need to do once a month, twice a month, once a week, whatever. I'll leave that up to you, Readers.

This is a day about taking care of yourself. Reminding yourself that A) you are capable of caring for yourself and don't need someone else to do it for you, B) you are the fucking shit and you deserve to be treated like a mother fucking queen (that goes for you too, fellas) and C) de-stressing is essential to mental and physical health and no one wants to be long-term lavas with a hideous lunatic.

Here are the rules - AND THEY REQUIRE DISCIPLINE, Readers:

1. Use quiet, alone time to consider your own needs, successes, lessons-learned, desires, fantasies, etc. DO NOT USE THIS TIME TO THINK ABOUT THE PERSON(S) YOU'RE SEEING, HOW TO GET A DATE, CHECK PLENTY OF FISH OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT.
2. If you choose to be social, do not include anyone you're romantically interested in on your invitation list. DO NOT INCLUDE THEM AS A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION EITHER.
3. Read a damn book, you fucking uneducated slut.
4. Masturbate. You still got it.
5. Look just exactly as hot and put-together as you would if you were going on a date (this includes NOT wearing your massive cotton Hanes Her Way, Lady Readers).
6. Listen to every single love song as though it's written for you, by you. DO NOT LISTEN TO "OUR" SONG...you know the one, you crazy fucking high-schooler.
7. If you are actually involved in any kind of meaningful way with someone, you should probably let them know you're taking a mental health day. If you're seeing someone who is also fucking other people, tell them nothing. This isn't their business.
8. Call that friend you haven't talked to in for-fucking-ever.
9. Find the humor in everything.

I recommend peppering your normal werk day with these rules, too.

Posted by Havilah

The thing about jealousy in a relationship is this: it's not all bad, y'all. It's not. All. Bad. At all. You just have have to know how it works. There are nuances, you see. Subtleties. Etcetera.

Firstly, right off the bat, jealousy which is consistent and unjustified is bad in any relationship. Okay? Is that clear? That's bad. No. NO! HOT! BAD! NO! Okay, Readers?

Moving right along.

When a lady gets full tilt hit on by a man who is not the man she's been seeing for a while now, that lady would feel little flutters of joy if the man she IS seeing was at least a little bit, "WTF?" about it. For example - and this is completely hypothetical and definitely never happened to me in real life just last weekend - if I'm hanging out with this guy who's whatever and we've been seeing each other for a little while and some other dude is talking to me all fucking night long and then has his arm around me and THEN goes so far as to tell me he'd like to fucking "smooch" me (and that's totally a word I just pulled out of nowhere and no one has ever said that to me in real life just last weekend) RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DUDE I AM THERE WITH, then that would be an ideal time for the dude I'm sort-of-seeing-or-whatever to be a little bit "WTF??" about it. Like, even if the situation genuinely doesn't bother him, he should at least fake it. Because that kind of jealousy makes my knees feel quivery. It's like swoon material from the Victorian age. I don't need a full on duel. I don't even need words exchanged. Just do something that says, loudly, "She is here with me. I like her. And I'll not be threatened by you, good sir."  A lady likes this kind of thing, you guys. Let a betch know she's worth getting a little worked up over. Odds are pretty good you'll get laid.

Posted by Havilah

Dearest Readers, we've all experienced a crushing breakup. If you haven't, this blog probably isn't for you. Also, go fuck yourself.

How many times have we fantasized of that shining, glorious, epic moment of reckoning when we finally face our ex, stare them right in the eyes, sit their ass down and sing "Not Big" to them in a kereoke bar?? HOW MANY TIMES, Readers!??! (I also dream of singing "Blue Sky" and having tears, but like, angry tears...rage tears). How often do we script and choreograph entire scenes wherein we play the role of Put-Together Fucking-Reasonable-Bitch and the ex plays the role of Asshole-Shitface Stupid-Talker and we meet, unexpectedly of course, in a public place (where you are with your extremely handsome gay friend who agrees to pretend you're dating for the moment because he hates that fucker as much as you do) and through a series of events (which are both unexplainable and completely sound) that end in either a glass of liquid or an open hand slap to his face, you are at long last vindicated? The hours I've spent daydreaming about what kind of havoc I would wreak on my ex's life (if only I were completely unhinged in the brain and was a borderline sociopath) are hours I'll never get back, nor would I want them back. They were hours well fucking spent. And that motherfucker deserved everything he got in the movie of my mind.

Here's what:
Has anyone in life ever really done this?? Readers? Have any of you ever truly fulfilled the ultimate fantasy of emoting at your ex in a way that's wildly inappropriate but also completely called for and justified? Do tell!!!

Posted by Havilah

Maybe I'm just bitter because I've been single for like my whole life. Maybe. Or maybe I'm a lady with a sense of occasion who knows how shit should go down and how it should absolutely never - under any circumstances - go down.

Here (below) we have a marriage proposal set-up for a local Huntsville, AL news anchor. She's reading a prompter telling her there is "breaking news" and you can guess the rest. Sounds super romantic. It isn't. It's so awkward and uncomfortable I want to cringe and die and then come back to life and slap this man for not thinking this through more thoroughly.

I'm sure this would all be very sweet seeming (to them) if they'd done it alone. And they'd tell the story and everyone would be all, "Aaaaawwww" and whatever. But now that'll never happen, because we all saw it and it was total shit.

If you insist on a public proposal (which, I'm not at all opposed to), you must remember you are, essentially, producing a bit of theater. Think that shit through!!! The quelle surprise moment is not the only thing you have to plan here! Your audience deserves more than a bang-up intro followed by a mediocre show and a fizzle of an ending (that sentence, by the way, can double as my review for Julie Taymor's The Lion King). Moreover, what does this say as far as a foreshadowing of your life together?!?! Not to mention you're clearly terrible at sexing.

So. No pressure, you guys. But don't fuck this shit up by going all gung-fucking-ho on a proposal surprise then muttering out a few cliches about waking up ever day together followed by weight-shifting-stand-aroundery where we're all expecting you (and, frankly, her) to say, "Dear God, IS IT OVER??"  You need to propose the house down! Or just do it privately so you can both tell everyone it was the most sweepingly romantic thing the universe has ever witnessed and we'll all believe you because what the fuck do we know?

Posted by Havilah

This video is glorious for at least a few reasons. But wait until the end. Then you will truly see why I believe this might actually be a video of me sent from the future. I love my blonde hair and chunky sneaks.

Quote of the mother fucking day. Nay, week, at least. _

Posted by Havilah