Tuesdays are normally my day off--from my day job. But yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long, I had absolutely NOTHING to do--no errands, no auditions, nothing! Seeing a blank page on my planner, usually throws me into a panic attack where I start to rethink my life.  When the weather is cold, I normally do as my mother says, "Hecha las patas arriba y descanse" (Put your feet up and rest). (Spanish translation is much funnier) But the weather was so nice, I thought, "Hey do something fun for yourself and get out of the house."

So I did. I planned a day of yoga and the afternoon at the High Line to drink in this beautiful city called NYC. Yoga kicked ass and then the High Line kicked my  self-esteem's ass. Nothing like a gorgeous Spring day to bring all the couples out to play. I tried focusing on the script I had brought along, but I was bombarded with the amount of couples holding hands, cuddling and kissing every where I turned. And that's when the bitterness kicked in..and let me tell you...she's a nasty nasty bitch! 

First thought: WHY THE FUCK AM I SITTING HERE ALONE?Second thought: What the fuck does she have that I don't have? What's her secret??!Third thought: Wait..I'm way cuter than her and she has a man...what the fuck is wrong with NYC? What's wrong with me?

And then it spiraled...to a really dark place. I was angry at myself for letting it all get to me. Moments like these make me feel like the only single girl in the universe and that's ridiculous. I wanted to punch all the couples in the face. I wanted to curse the heaven's for God being so cruel to me (a ridiculous and impotent gesture since I don't even go to church). I tried reaching out to friends, but all were busy with other plans. I was literally on the verge of tears at the High Line--so I packed my bags and did what any self-respecting single girl does in situations like these: ate the FUCK out of my feelings!

I found a restaurant and had a Po' Boy sandwich (the irony of the name is not lost on this girl) and the biggest piece of carrot cake imaginable--made with no nuts and cream cheese icing..that's like finding a unicorn!

Maybe it was the sugar high, but clarity started to set in half way through my dessert and I thought, "Why the fuck am I stuffing this whole piece of cake (that's clearly meant to be shared) in my mouth right now? Because I'm single? Why is that a bad thing?"

Because the truth is: I got a pretty fucking amazing life. I need to be grateful for everything that I get to do and experience. Somewhere along the way, I blame my immigrant upbringing, I was programmed to believe that if I didn't have a partner I haven't really accomplished anything...but that's bullshit. I am the one that gets to define and redefine what success and fulfillment means to me.

So I did the unimaginable, I turned off my phone and forced a day of being alone. Because sometimes all you gotta do is face your fucking fears and woman the fuck UP! and you know what..it didn't kill me. 

Changing thought patterns that have been there since birth is not easy..and I can't promise that I won't feel that way again. But I found a way to cope and put myself back on track...and yeah it fucking involves cake! The great Jay Z once said: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." And in this case...that's ME...and this girl loves some goddamned cake!

Yours truly,
Lisa Loveless

This is Lisa Loveless's first contribution to YIGtBAT. Lisa hosts a podcast about single life in New York City which we're obsessed with. We're hugely grateful to her for contributing and we hope we can make her a regular fixture on YIGtBAT. Tell us what you think by leaving a comment on this post or emailing us!