**By guest blogger Lisa Loveless**
You would think coming to the west coast would mean dating a whole new type of man. I was positive the type of shenanigans I had been putting up with for the last 4 years would just disappear. The "aggressive 'I gotta get mine, you get yours' New York Man" would be replaced by the "pacifist art-appreciating 'I eat organic and brew my own beer' Pacific Northwester".
Nope. Not the case. The packaging may be the different but the content is just the same: Shady as Fuck.
After a month or so checking out the talent on OKCupid and meeting ambivalent men, I just de-activated the account. I have been OKC-free for the last three months.
Let me give you a quick recap of what would happen. Men would be very aggressive online. Sending lots of flirty messages, setting up dates, etc. We would meet and have a fun date. I mean, I'm a fun chick and have a wicked sense of humor! You are not going to be bored. But after all that chase, the follow up would just die down and they would drop the ball. Now, I am not gonna get offended if we didn't hit it off. Like Jay Z said, "I'm on to the next one." I delete your number from my phone and keep it moving.
Here is the thing though: these men wouldn't give you the heads up and say something like, "Hey, you are great just not a good match for me." They just stopped texting you. Which fine by me, you don't have any fucking manners. Good to know. Next.
BUT! (And this has happened to me now 3 times!) Out of nowhere I'll get a text AFTER three months of fucking radio silence saying some bullshit like, "Hi what are you up to this weekend? Drinks? :)"
Who the fuck are you? What kind of giant-sized balls are you carrying around that make you think this is acceptable behavior? And the fucking smiley face? It kills me! Are you seriously trying to be flirty? Should I ignore the fact that you have been missing a whole season? I needed a winter boo...it's spring now bitch! I realized that these shady fuckers just wanted to keep the door open. That's why they disappeared without a trace. Fuck that!
Here is my solution:
Guy: hey wanna get drinks? :)
Me: Who is this? I don't have this number saved on my phone.
Guy: So and so from OKC. Ouch
That's right ladies. Check their self-esteem and ego at the door. Even if you actually DO still have their number in your phone book, your reply should always be: "Who is this?" Take back your power and don't settle for less. Let them bitches know Spring has sprung.
Dearest Readers, we've all experienced a crushing breakup. If you haven't, this blog probably isn't for you. Also, go fuck yourself.How many times have we fantasized of that shining, glorious, epic moment of reckoning when we finally face our ex, stare them right in the eyes, sit their ass down and sing "Not Big"
to them in a kereoke bar?? HOW MANY TIMES, Readers!??! (I also dream of singing "Blue Sky
" and having tears, but like, angry tears...rage tears). How often do we script and choreograph entire scenes wherein we play the role of Put-Together Fucking-Reasonable-Bitch and the ex plays the role of Asshole-Shitface Stupid-Talker and we meet, unexpectedly of course, in a public place (where you are with your extremely handsome gay friend who agrees to pretend you're dating for the moment because he hates that fucker as much as you do) and through a series of events (which are both unexplainable and completely sound) that end in either a glass of liquid or an open hand slap to his face, you are at long last vindicated? The hours I've spent daydreaming about what kind of havoc I would wreak on my ex's life (if only I were completely unhinged in the brain and was a borderline sociopath) are hours I'll never get back, nor would I want them back. They were hours well fucking spent. And that motherfucker deserved everything he got in the movie of my mind.Here's what:Has anyone in life ever really done this?? Readers? Have any of you ever truly fulfilled the ultimate fantasy of emoting at your ex in a way that's wildly inappropriate but also completely called for and justified?
Posted by Havilah
I have just received news of a major success for YIGtBAT, Readers! A loyal Reader has just contacted us to let us know he can no longer read our blog at work because his computer now gives the message, "Management has deemed this site inappropriate due to pornographic and/or adult material."
Getting flagged by corporate online watchdog software is like the holy fucking grail for people like us!
RAISE A GLASS, READERS!!!!! We did it!
Richard Hess (one of my college professors) will be so fucking proud when I tell him this shit.
Posted by Havilah
**By guest blogger Lisa Loveless**
The other day I was riding the subway and noticed an adorable looking older couple. I can't gauge age very well, but I'm gonna venture and say there were in the early or mid 60s.
Full disclosure: I have a soft spot for senior citizens. I don't know what it is, but my eyes start to tear if I look at an older person for more than 3 minutes.
So, here I was creating a Notebook-esque love story for this elderly couple when I noticed grandpa looking my way. At first I thought, "Aw, how sweet! I must totally remind him of his granddaughter or something. He's probably thinking he should give her a call and wish her a good day." And then it happened! The insidious thought entered my mind and before I knew it the voice in my head said, "OMAIGA! IS GRANDPA CHECKING ME OUT?!"
Now that I think about it, way older men dating/marrying way younger women is kind of a thing (hello!...the late Anna-Nicole Smith's Sugar Daddy...may they both rest in peace). But I just never imagined or even allowed myself to imagine those kind of relationships in a sexual manner (I blame my tenderness for the elderly for this incredible blind spot). I guess I imagined those kinds of relationships to be a kind of second chance to get the father/daughter dynamic right. You know...A LOT of hand holding, some kisses on the check and forehead and on special occasions or photo opportunities a little lip action.
So it got me to thinking..when, if ever, does your sexual attraction stop growing with you? Nature obviously puts some of these safety nets in place. For the most part, unless you are a pedophile, at some point in your life you stop finding a 12 year old attractive...in the "hey, I want to play 7 min in heaven with you" way.
Somewhere along the line though this kind of sexual attraction correlation slows down. A 25 year old will still want to bang a 19 year old. A 40 year old will marry at 22 year old. I guess scientifically it makes sense. You can say that aging men want to procreate and will look for a viable female with the best chances of popping out a baby.
But where are the safety nets for the aging population of women? Does Grandpa still find his elderly wife sexually attractive--even though she is past her childbearing years? Can Grandpa look at a younger female without thinking of his daughter? Or is he now pining for some twenty-something poonany?
Because I gotta say...if Grandpa is not thinking about banging Grandma on a regular basis...I'm gonna be hella pissed at Mother Nature. Way to look out for one of your own, "Mother" Nature!
**By Guest Blogger Lisa Loveless**
I recently returned from the Far East where I discovered something amazing: The Ex-Pat community. The internet defines “expat” as: a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing.
Through interacting with this community I made a discovery: NY men are WHACK as HELL because they are lazy. There I said it.
I have never been interested in dating foreign men. I guess coming from a different country myself and being an “immigrant” in the US, American men were enough of an “other” for me. I have friends that collect rendez-vous with foreign men like stamps on their passports, but it just wasn’t my thing. I may have to reconsider this stance, though.
I met Philippe at a dance club in China. He is a 32 year old French business owner currently living in Hong Kong. Now, I know what you are thinking: “A bar isn’t a place to meet a man” and you are absolutely correct. But I was on vacation, so I wasn’t looking for a life partner, just somebody to flirt with and maybe have a little dance. Difference number 1:
This motherfucker can DANCE and I LOVE to dance. My number one pet peeve about NY men is their resistance to just letting loose and dancing (I feel like I have to sell a kidney to the black market to convince a guy to get on the dance floor with me.) Unless, of course, they are blackout drunk and THEN they want to live out some fantasy of being a contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance.” Newsflash: When you are drunk, you lose the ability to be coordinated….so you are actually flailing around like an idiot and possibly threatening to knock some helpless girl down with your brilliant drug/alcohol induced “dancing”. There are exceptions to this rule, but that usually involves me going to an urban dance club.
But Philippe was so fun on the dance floor and sober enough to still offer some charming conversation. I don’t think I have danced that much with someone in over 8 months. They literally turned on the lights and we were still hoping the DJ would play another song. Ex-Pat 1 :: NY Men 0 Difference number 2:
This man was a man of his word. My motto in life has always been: “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Period.
I don’t know how many times I have had a situation where a NY man will say something like: “Let’s catch a movie next Tuesday”...cut to next Tuesday and they are ghost—nowhere to be found. No follow up. No confirmation. Nothing.
Listen, you are not doing me any favors by asking me to do something you have no intention in actually doing. I have plenty of things to fill my schedule with. But when I carve time out of MY busy schedule and then you completely flake out on a plan YOU initiated…well that’s just plain disrespectful. But somehow, I now expect this to be the norm and not the exception. I actually overbook my schedule and plan backup events because I have stopped believing that men will show up when they say they will.
So when Philippe had to fly to Shanghai to visit one of his manufacturers and promised to return before I flew back to NY to take me on a “proper” date, I took with it a grain of salt and went about the business of enjoying my vacation. Don’t you know, that despite being held up in Shanghai longer than he planned and trying to book a flight on a sold out holiday weekend, Philippe waited at the airport to fly stand-by and managed to keep his word and take me on an awesome date on my last day. So if this man can jump on a two hour flight to keep his word, you can show up to a goddamned movie! Ex-pat 2 :: NY Men 0 Difference number 3:
This man was so comfortable in his own skin that it allowed me to be comfortable in mine. NY men (or maybe American men in general) are obsessed with what defines them as a “man.” So much so, that they are actually homophobic--deeming anything that doesn’t fall into their definition of a man as being “gay.” I dated a guy who would drop the phrase: “that’s gay” so much I felt like we couldn’t connect on any level with the things I enjoyed doing. So, watching a rom-com with your girlfriend: Gay!, going dancing: Gay!, watching a play: Gay! and on and on the list goes...I know he was an idiot. But how can you create intimacy with someone who dismisses things that he deems “feminine” because he’s afraid it is going to make him less “manly”. At the end of the day, I’m woman….what do you think I’m going to bring to the table?
When Philippe asked me one thing I wanted to do on my last day, I was scared to be honest with him. The truth was, I wanted to get a facial. It sounds silly but they are SO affordable in Asia that there was no way I was going to miss out on getting a $275 facial for $50. I tiptoed around the issue and then shyly confessed to my facial desire. I half expected him to say, “Ok, I will go to the bar for a beer and we can go to dinner after you get your facial...because getting a facial is gay!” Instead, he looked at me, smiled and said, “That’s a wonderful idea. I could probably use a facial myself.” We went together and had an awesome time at the spa.
That moment of acceptance set the tone for the rest of the date. He accepted me and the things that I wanted to do without judgment and it opened the door for some wonderfully honest conversations.
So, if I have to sit through a freaking soccer game and hear you yell (like you are on the field and they could actually hear you) at “your” team for not scoring a goal without judgment, you can come and get a damn facial with me. Ex-Pat 3. NY Men 0
So, ok, I know I can’t make blanket statements and call all NY men WHACK. Frankly, it would be unfair to the NY men out there who want to be or even are “good guys”. All I know is this: the bar has been raised. Things with Philippe may not go anywhere and they don’t have to. What he did was present an alternative. An alternative that maybe I didn’t think was out there or I even deserved. That I am worthy of someone who shows up when they say they will and respects the things that I value. Wow. What a concept. Isn’t that Being a Descent Human Being 101?
Maybe my “international-loving” friends WERE onto something. I guess I have always been a late bloomer.
Bonjour.Posted by Lisa Loveless
**By guest blogger Lisa Loveless**
Tuesdays are normally my day off--from my day job. But yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long, I had absolutely NOTHING to do--no errands, no auditions, nothing! Seeing a blank page on my planner, usually throws me into a panic attack where I start to rethink my life. When the weather is cold, I normally do as my mother says, "Hecha las patas arriba y descanse" (Put your feet up and rest). (Spanish translation is much funnier) But the weather was so nice, I thought, "Hey do something fun for yourself and get out of the house."
So I did. I planned a day of yoga and the afternoon at the High Line to drink in this beautiful city called NYC. Yoga kicked ass and then the High Line kicked my self-esteem
's ass. Nothing like a gorgeous Spring day to bring all the couples out to play. I tried focusing on the script I had brought along, but I was bombarded with the amount of couples holding hands, cuddling and kissing every where I turned. And that's when the bitterness kicked in..and let me tell you...she's a nasty nasty bitch!
First thought: WHY THE FUCK AM I SITTING HERE ALONE?Second thought: What the fuck does she have that I don't have? What's her secret??!Third thought: Wait..I'm way cuter than her and she has a man...what the fuck is wrong with NYC? What's wrong with me?
And then it spiraled...to a really dark place. I was angry at myself for letting it all get to me. Moments like these make me feel like the only single girl in the universe and that's ridiculous. I wanted to punch all the couples in the face. I wanted to curse the heaven's for God being so cruel to me (a ridiculous and impotent gesture since I don't even go to church). I tried reaching out to friends, but all were busy with other plans. I was literally on the verge of tears at the High Line--so I packed my bags and did what any self-respecting single girl does in situations like these: ate the FUCK out of my feelings!
I found a restaurant and had a Po' Boy sandwich (the irony of the name is not lost on this girl) and the biggest piece of carrot cake imaginable--made with no nuts and cream cheese icing..that's like finding a unicorn!
Maybe it was the sugar high, but clarity started to set in half way through my dessert and I thought, "Why the fuck am I stuffing this whole piece of cake (that's clearly meant to be shared) in my mouth right now? Because I'm single? Why is that a bad thing?"
Because the truth is: I got a pretty fucking amazing life. I need to be grateful for everything that I get to do and experience. Somewhere along the way, I blame my immigrant upbringing, I was programmed to believe that if I didn't have a partner I haven't really accomplished anything...but that's bullshit. I am the one that gets to define and redefine what success and fulfillment means to me.
So I did the unimaginable, I turned off my phone and forced a day of being alone. Because sometimes all you gotta do is face your fucking fears and woman the fuck UP! and you know what..it didn't kill me.
Changing thought patterns that have been there since birth is not easy..and I can't promise that I won't feel that way again. But I found a way to cope and put myself back on track...and yeah it fucking involves cake! The great Jay Z once said: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." And in this case...that's ME...and this girl loves some goddamned cake!
Yours truly,Lisa Loveless
This is Lisa Loveless's first contribution to YIGtBAT. Lisa hosts a podcast about single life in New York City which we're obsessed with. We're hugely grateful to her for contributing and we hope we can make her a regular fixture on YIGtBAT. Tell us what you think by leaving a comment on this post or emailing us
I am being allowed by The Team to conduct my very first interview for YIGTBAT!!! They found someone who was chosen as a contestant on The Bachelor
. Her smokin' hot ass bailed right before they started shooting because once she got there she found out it was (her words exactly) "a total scam". SCANDALOUS!I can't wait to talk to her and get all the "T" on The Bachelor. But Readers, here's where you come in. What questions do you want to ask her?! Leave a comment or email my ass.Posted by Havilah
SPOILER ALERT ** SPOILER ALERT ** SPOILER ALERT ** SPOILER ALERT
We were so impressed by the passion behind one of our loyal Readers' response to this week's episode of The Bachelor we asked her to be our Guest Blogger on the subject. Dearest Readers, please welcome our newest contributor- Jamie!!
1.) Kacie B- You are going to be on a deserted island and you can take 3 items you wish. So, you take a MONKEY MAN AND CANDY?!?! Give me an effin break!! If you're not going to take anything practical then at least take something kinky to pass the time with the man you're trying to win over! LAME!
2.) Blakely is/was ridiculous. Nobody gets excited about a 2:1 date. Why the fuck would you? You have a 50/50 shot of going home. Just for that (and for the creepy scrapbook) she deserved to go home. Period. And thank God I don't have to look at that forehead anymore. It went on for days.
3.) Jamie- WHO?? Who the fuck is she??? Has she been on the show all season cause I sure as hell don't remember her! As for her sub-par lap dance and WEIRD AS HELL attempt at a make out session.... well, I just hope she was really drunk or else her future with men is fucked.
4.) Nicki- I think she's next to go home. And, man, did you notice how uneven her eyes are?? I get fucked up just looking at her!
5.) I thought Emily redeemed herself this time. Her joke about dating the chief was pretty funny! I really thought she was serious at first!! I like her again. ...for now!
6.) Casey S. BIG FUCKING LETDOWN! I thought like her mom died, her best friend slept with Ben, she had cancer.... but, noooooo. She has a boyfriend? Big fucking whoop. 85% of the chicks that come on the show probably have boyfriends! That denim jumper was retarded. And, it especially weirded me out that she never wore shoes and her feet were filthy. Glad she left.
7.) I know this is random, but have you ever noticed any time they drink wine, their wine glasses are fucking gigantic? I gotta get me some of those wine glasses.
8.) C-word... well what else is there to really say about her? She's a classless slut that uses her tits more than her brain. Case in point: she has the opportunity to "tattoo" anything at all on Ben and she so cleverly comes up with "B+C = ♥" What, are we in grade school? Give me a fucking break. I cannot fucking stand her.
In closing, overall it was a better episode than the week before. I can't believe they are already down to six girls!! The season is going too fast!!! As I said earlier, next up to go is Nicki. Followed shortly thereafter (and in no particular order) by C-word, Rachel. Final 3 = Kacie B., Lindzi and Emily with Kacie B. sweeping them and getting the ring. BOOM!
Post written by JAMIE MARTIN
Posted by The Team
I cannot tell you, dear readers, how many times I have been out (at a cafe, restaurant, movie theater, porn shop, protest, brothel, corn maze, etc.) and seen someone who seems both attractive and single and I start composing my Missed Connections
post knowing I'll never get a chance to speak to that guy. The other day, I thought, I should really just go over and introduce myself
. But a) that's terrifying and b) does that turn me into the weird/creepy girl?Have any of you ever approached a stranger with the intention of booking a date/getting a phone number/etc.?
Please leave a Comment here or send me an email
. I am dying to know if/how this is done. Cause see that guy in the picture? Yeah, I want to be able to call him and just say, "It's me." Know what I mean?Posted by Havilah
Last Saturday after a very disappointing trip downtown to shout protests with the OWS
crowd (who were not there), a friend and I meandered up to Union Square where we assumed we'd be able to find someone
. We didn't. But we did find a little guy with a sexy mouth
offering free advice on relationships, sex and/or dating. Naturally I sat my ass down and said, "HELP!". I specifically asked Fransisco
about The Aged
. I explained that we'd been out a few times and had spent a lot of time on the phone with each other but that I'd yet to feel a real spark despite really enjoying his company. I asked if Francisco thought I should continue seeing The Aged and wait for the spark or should the spark have already been there and I'm just wasting time.Francisco gave some pretty solid advice, I think (and, yes, it actually is free - he does not accept tips)
. He essentially said that sometimes all it takes is a kernel of a spark to grow into something more. He suggested the next time I see The Aged I should check in with myself to see if there is any kernel there whatsoever. He also reminded me that often relationships can begin as purely intellectual and grow into a physical arena from that and vice versa.Well, Francisco - I did as you advised and the date ended with a kernel and a kiss (post to follow). THANK YOU!!!
Readers, check out Francisco
. He's kind of amazing. And if you're in the NYC area, go see him
!And dear Francisco, WRITE FOR US!!!! Seriously!Posted by Havilah