In sad news, Chris Harrison has officially not given a rose to his wife of 19 years, meaning they are splitsville. Damn.

If you don't know who THE Chris Harrison is, why are you reading my blog? I mean, really.

But in potentially happy news, does this mean we are in for the greatest season of The Bachelor ever in the history of god and/or television??!?!? LET IT BE SO!

Could you imagine Chris being the bachelor? I'd die. I would DIE!

Posted by Havilah

Nikki K., our most favorite quitter in the world, has now nearly survived her 5 day sensory deprivation and is ready to begin shooting the first episode. Before she can leave her hotel room (where she’s no doubt made good friends with the paintings, the sink and the wallpaper pattern) production members stop by to hear what her big intro line is. Nikki K. had decided to go casual/organic/normal and simply introduce herself to The Bachelor and see where that goes. Well, “normal” is one thing The Bachelor does not do well. So, naturally, the producers said, “That’s cute, but no, here’s what you’re going to say,” and proceeded to hand her a prop specific to her hometown (they’d obviously come prepared for her to come up with some normal introduction) and told her that what she’d do was go ahead and shove that in his mouth with her finger (not making this up) and then deliver a more-than-a-little-bit-suggestive line about how he should find her later so she could also shove her tongue in his mouth (truth). Wow.

So, Nikki K. was then (finally) released from her chamber to go to hair and makeup in preparation for the big first shoot that evening (the season premiere episode) and to film her I’m-just-a-regular-girl background video. Readers, remember how in the first episode you see select girls in their hometowns talking about their lives and how ready they are to find “true love”? Well, surprise of all surprises they’re all in SoCal, in the back parking lot of a hotel, in front of a backdrop. So low rent, Readers. So low rent.

It was during the filming of her “I’m just a girl, standing in front a boy, asking him to love her,” background video that our girl Nikki K. took the final straw they delivered and used it to snort a line of “fuck you, I’m going home”. She started telling her story when the production crew said, once again, “That’s cute, but no, here’s what you’re going to say,” and then proceeded to fill her in on how she was actually brought up, by whom, where and when; how she feels about it all; and they also let her know what kind of “character” she’d be playing in this season. Most of that didn’t seem terrifically out of the norm to her (I mean, she’d just been in a sensory deprivation tank for 5 days, so she was pretty much just happy to see the sun and have someone talk to her). What struck her as odd (and eventually unacceptable) was that they actually did have certain aspects of her life correct. Extremely personal and private aspects of her life. Aspects of her life which had happened when she was a baby and which she, in fact, had never once even mentioned to anyone (not even the shrink conducting her phsych exam) involved with the show. The information was not readily available without doing some CIA style probing into someone’s life (and Nikki K. was born outside the US, so finding this information took some fucking effort). It was at this point that Nikki K. blinked at them a lot, slapped her own face and woke up from the daze they’d had her under (which was probably drug induced, wouldn’t surprise me) and said, “No, seriously, fuck you I’m going home, get me a fucking car and a flight.”

The producers begged her to stay on the show by making promises (yes, promises) she’d be in the top 5 contestants (among other things). Sooo…that show’s not rigged at all. They got to looking like really sad, desperate boys who’ve just been broken up with by the super hot girl who never really liked them that much to begin with. She totally flipped her hair in their face and said, “Seriously, you look really stupid. Also, I hate you. And please stop texting me, it's creepy.”

Posted by Havilah

This Jesus lover, Guera Maurice, is also a lover of The Bachelor (duh). She was watching the other day and thank God for that (literally) because the risen Jesus came to her via a reflection on a contestant on The Bachelor via her camera phone via God's love (aka: magic). See her amazing story in the video below.

"Proceeds raised"? Proceeds raised. Um.

But the best part: "And she said to me, 'Guera, you crazy.' " at :45. Her version of her sister is so matter of fact about it. I really hope she was that serious when she said it, like, grabbing her shoulders and saying, "Guera, look at me, girl. You crazy. No, but, you crazy."

Posted by Havilah

Our lady of reality, Nikki K. (or whatever fucking name I gave her) has now made it through the Gladiators Gauntlet and is ready for her journey into glamor, helicopter rides, world travels and marriage (obviously). So, Nikki K. is whisked off to LA and put up in a hotel in Southern California near Pepperdine University – gorgeous. Here’s the only hitch, and, personally, it’s my favorite hitch of the whole fucking Bachelor experience.  She is to remain in her hotel room (not just the hotel, her room) for 5 full days. Now, some of you are thinking, Sounds kind of awesome, like a forced 5 day veg out. You would be wrong. On this “vacation” you are allowed no guests, phone, computer/internet, games,  books, magazines, TV, movies or music. I’ll let you read that list again and remind yourself that Havilah the Blogger never lies. Oh, and one other thing, you can never – under any circumstances – open your blinds. Truth. They do give you $50 each day for food, though. So, you can eat. A lot.

Nikki K. has an idea about why they do this and I tend to think she’s right (because it just feels right) – she thinks they do it so the contestants are at their peak crazy level for the 1st episode. As you know (don’t pretend you don’t watch the show, Readers), the women show up in to the house in a limo in full hair and makeup and wearing some kind formal dress to introduce themselves to The Bachelor. Well, what we may not have known is that the limo ride over was some of the first social interaction they’d had in 5 days, it’s the first time they’ve been out of a hotel room, the first time they’ve seen the outdoors, oh, and it’s the first time (usually in their lives) that they’ve had cameras following their every move and the first time they’ve been on a TV show, period. Their crazies make a lot more sense now, eh? There are some smart mother fuckers over there at The Bachelor. Twisted. But smart.

So what about those first intro lines The Bachelor is so famous for? Stay tuned for that in the final installment of The Seriously Seedy Underbally Of ABC’s The Bachelor. It promises to be anticlimactic since the 5 day prison sentence was my favorite part.

Posted by Havilah

I recently interviewed a woman who was to be a contestant on The Bachelor (Brad’s season and then Ben’s) and as you can imagine, she had lots of cray to report. She told me prior to the interview that she left the show just as filming started because, “It’s a total scam. It’s disgusting.” I know, Readers, you’re all thinking the same thing I was thinking, “Well, duh.” As it turns out, I (and you) had no idea how gross and totally bananas the whole world of The Bachelor gets. For your reading pleasure, I present my newest series:

The Seriously Seedy Underbally (typo, keeping it) Of ABC’s The Bachelor

Our heroine (who I’ll call Nikki K.) started her journey by attending a massive casting call in some kind of warehouse type joint. This bitch is gorgeous beyond what you even just pictured as you read the word “gorgeous”, she’s super smart, has a great job and she’s basically one of the loveliest people your ass could ever hope to be around. Naturally her friends encouraged her to attend the casting, knowing she’d be a Louboutin-shoe in, and naturally they were right. The casting directors for the show loved her and invited her to the multiple callbacks and put her through the screenings which everyone being considered goes through.

The screenings include (but are not limited to) a blood test and a two hour psychological exam. Um. What? Yes. A fucking blood test! And these women went through a two hour psych exam and they still got on? Have you seen that show?! Bitches be craaazy. Maybe they’re specifically weeding out the norms? Finally, after spending two days in a hotel room on lock-down (not exaggerating) she did her final “audition” for one producer. Oh, by the way, she then went through a door and discovered that the “one” person she thought she was talking to was a room filled to the brim with production crew, producers, writers, cast members, basically everyone that ABC has ever hired and they’d all been watching and judging her without her knowledge. So that wasn’t embarrassing. Barbara Walters would not approve.

Okay, so she made it through the first part of the test to get into the highest level of the CIA, ER-I-MEAN to become a contestant on The Bachelor. Phew. On to the glamorous world of gorgeous dresses, amazing hair, Merlot, swimming pools, cattiness and most importantly, everlasting love. Stay tuned for more. This is only the beginning, Dear Readers. Shit gets really real. And we’re talking about reality TV realness. So. Shit’s real real.

Posted by Havilah

Well, it happened. The Bachelor Day has come and gone and that fucking bitch the C-Word "won". What a cunt. I hate Ben and the C-Word, though, so I guess it kind of works that they would end up having to deal with each other a little longer (I mean, "forever"). But I'm still pissed that she gets to think of herself as the winner. God I hate her.

The episode's not worth breaking down. Lindzi with a 'z' and the C-Word met Ben's mom and sister. They were still in Switzerland. The C-Word won. The end.

The "After The Final Rose" hour was about as thrilling as it always is (not thrilling at all). Ben showed up in desperate, I mean fucking desperate need of a shave and a motherfucking haircut! Does this person do anything but sleep and tape this show? I hate him. In an apparent effor to make me (and you) hate him even more, Ben then said (for at least the 2nd time this season) that he didn't like how the C-Word treated the women because, according to him, "I wish she'd made it easier on me." Seriously?! That's what you're going to choose to give us as the reason her bitchery got to you?! Really. I hate him.

The C-Word came on and tried her hardest to fake-cry. She told us they broke up for a while during the airing of the show. She explained why we should all feel super sorry for her because what was supposed to be "a love story" ended up getting "spoiled" because we all hate her and don't give a three karat diamond worth of a fuck if she's in love or not.

I'm ready for The Bachelorette.

Posted by Havilah

For your viewing pleasure as you sit in anticipation of tonight's big moment and as you simultaneously celebrate The Bachelor Day with us!

In celebration of The Bachelor Day (an official holiday on the calendar here at YIGTBAT) we will be dedicating several posts to the show.

First up, the science of the crazies. Yes, Readers, there is science behind the madness. According to a Huffington Post article, the batshittery you see from many contestants isn't just pure crazy - it's chemi-crazy. These bitches' brains are actually telling them to behave this way. They can't help it, Readers! To them, it's natural.

Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., Chief Scientific advisor for Chemistry.com, says there's science to back up Blakely's scrapbook of she and Ben's love journey and even Jamie's completely cringe-worthy display of sexy-not. SCIENCE, Readers! Helen says, "The brain circuitry for romantic love can be triggered in two dates or two hours. When a person feels rejected, the brain regions linked with obsession become active," she says, "When those feelings are triggered, you can't stop thinking about a person. You become obsessed." She also says, "You have the same kind of craving like when you crave cocaine or cigarettes... The less you think you can win the person, the hotter the craving [for that person]." So basically, Helen's telling us that these bitches aren't crazy, they're just obsessed addicts.

The HuffPost article then points out that, oh yeah, they also all want to be super famous. So there's also that.

I will personally point out that they also have Producers in their ears telling them, "Crazy sells, doll face. Don't you want to be famous just like Ali Fedotowsky? Sure you do. Now here's a scrapbook, fill it up and show it to Ben. There's a good girl."

Posted by Havilah

This week's episode was the one that surprises and angers me every year. I don't know how I seem to always forget there's a damn "Girls Tell All" episode before the finale. I always pop my popcorn and 3 Vicodin and get ready for the night of my life and it's the fucking Girls telling all. Boooo (but better with Vicodin. Everything is better with Vicodin, Readers. Not pushing, just saying. Everything).

So it was pretty average. The girls bitched about Ben, each other, the "circumstances" and the finalists. They all wore really short skirts and really tall heels. The C-Word graced us all with her modelling and the girls wasted all of our time by not really taking her to task very hard. She squeezed out a couple tears anyway, though. For good measure. Bitch.

I think Ben came on, too. But honestly I was pretty high by that point. I'm sure he was dull and boring as he is wont to be.

I'm torn between these two women, honestly. Lindzi with a 'z' is cute but super boring, so she and Ben would fit really well. At the same time, I really hate Ben and I suuuuper hate the C-Word, so seeing them end up with each other would feel satisfying, but that would mean she "won" and that would be disastrous. It's a real fucking pickle.

Who are you rooting for, Readers?

Posted by Havilah

This week Ben and his three remaining girls, Possible, Maybe and Cunt-Word, all traveled to Switzerland like a happy little Robinson family for some heavy inter-lockin' (do you get it, Reader? Do you get it?).

First Ben took out Maybe (Nikki) they did a bunch of stupid stuff which of course included a helicopter before Nikki of course agreed to an "overnight" date in the "fantasy suite" where she most likely didn't do sex to him as I'm pretty sure his lazy ass wouldn't have mustered the energy for her (is he not one of the most boring of all or what? Do not like).

Possible (aka: Lindzi with a "z") was next. They did a bunch of stupid stuff which of course included dangling off a cliff before she of course also agreed to do sex to his floppy haired duh-face. He may have risen to that occasion. The world may never know. I am still wiping blood off my neck this morning from where my ears started hemorrhaging from hearing Lindzi with a "z" say the word "vulnerable" about 13 times too many.

The C-Word was Ben's final date of the season. They did a bunch of stupid stuff and of course she fucked him without a second thought about it because she's horrible. Ben told her she shouldn't have been so mean to those poor girls and she said, "Yeah, I guess not," and he was like, "Cool, I'm cool with that response. All set." And that was that book closed. I'm certain Ben did nasty shit with her in the "fantasy suite" because she's pretty. Period.

The Bachelor(/ette) wouldn't be complete without a surprise re-entrance of a dismissed lady. This week it was poor, sad Kacie B. with the scary laugh (though that laugh was nowhere in sight). Her sad ass came (to fucking Switzerland) to ask Ben to explain himself. He was like, "Meehhhhh, it's because I couldn't give you what you want," which is bullshit. Anyway, then Kacie B. says, "Fine. PS: that cunt-trash you chose over me (The C-Word), yeah, she's a conniving bitch and I'd watch yourself around her." To which Ben replied, "Get the fuck out. She's super pretty! What do you know?" Kacie B. then fainted.

Ben said that the C-Word was prettier and talked a better baby-talk so would Nikki please take her ass back to Texas where it belongs? And she said, "Damn. Okay." And just before the the cameras faded to black Lindzi with a "z" could be heard whispering "vulnerable" and I did this.

Posted by Havilah