 So this dude just got acquitted of molesting two teenage girls in Daneland (aka Denmark, but I feel like if you're called Danish then you should be from Daneland...THIS IS AMERICA!) because he has - no shit - sexsomnia. I'm not even fucking with you right now, Readers. Sexsomnia. That's the actual word, it's an actual thing, and he actually got acquitted of molesting teenage girls (who probably begged for it by wearing short skirts and halter tops to bed) because he has it.Apparently, while rare, this is a pretty widely recognized sleep disorder among doctor/scientist types. People just go to sleep and whilst sleeping proceed to do sex things to those around them. I'm not saying I have this, but like...I'm also not saying I've never woken up in the middle of the night and molested the dude next to me. And that's not rape, that's sexsomnia. It's a DISORDER, you guys!Also, I wouldn't throw a sexsomniac out of bed. I just wouldn't.
Posted by Havilah
 Met a dude at a bar. Worst beginning to a story.But anyway, I met a dude at a bar. He's from The Far Rockaways (if you're not from NYC, just let the name speak for itself...it has the word "Far" built into it), so already this isn't going to work. But whatever, I'm desperate, right? So we go out and it's like, whatever, it's fine. I'm not swooning, but I'm also not composing a scathing blog post in my head the whole time. Like it was just okay. He's getting a second date (give me a break, Readers, I've been single for 3 fucking years). So I get some texts over the next few days and we make plans to see each other and I'm kind of "meh" about it, but I wouldn't mind a tongue in my mouth and he's not totally hideous, so I'm on board. Mind, Readers, at this point, we have been on one date, on which there was no kissing (or anything else of that nature). A couple days before our date, I'm minding my bits-ness and "tweet" goes my phone and I see it's a text from him and I'm not fluttery about it (which is a clear sign I really am not into this dude, but whatever...I'm laser focused on getting a tongue in my mouth). Slide to view text. BAM! It is a full-on "Guys With iPhones" photo of him. Sans a shirt, sans a six pack and apparently sans Windex (ew). WHAT. THE. FUCK?? You guys, specifically straight guys, you might love getting nekkid photos of ladies sent to your phone after one date. Hear me when I tell you: this is totally a men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus situation. Straight girls are, for the most part, not into that shit. Particularly if A) you haven't even so much as kissed them yet and B) you ain't got the goods for that kind of bragadouchery. In shock, I reply, "WTF?!" and receive a smiley face emoticon. End of exchange.BUT THAT'S NOT THE END, READERS!!!!This mother fucker has the balls (and I should know!) to send me ANOTHER photo the next day and this time: FULL. ON. COCK.I.FUCKING.DIED.So that's the beginning, middle and end of that relationship. Straight men, take note. Don't fucking do that. No one wants to get that shit on their phone in the middle of the deep blue goddamn workday. Dating is hard, you guys.
Posted by Havilah
 First of all, Dear Readers, thank you for the standing ovation. I am happy to be back. Please be seated.
I'll wait.
Now to the point:
Dudes, if you're into a bitch, you need to woo that bitch. We live in the year two thousand and thirteen, yes. And women have the vote, yes. And gays are getting divorced and the President is mostly black. But some things do not change, Readers! A bitch needs WOOED!
I am not down with this new thing of being "cool" about shit like this. Be a man! If you're into someone - and I don't care if your married for 77 years or just met at an opium den last night (fucking weirdo) - you need to send some fucking flowers. Or a note. Or a text that says something stupid and genuine. Take that bitch out on a goddamn date. WHAT HAPPENED TO DATES?!?! Like, "Hi, we met an an opium den and did sex to each other an hour later. Okaybye." NO! Take that bitch on a mother fucking date you worthless slore! Leave a damn note in her handbag that says, "I think you're great", (but not money, because that's for hookers and sends the REALLY wrong message).
Point being, stop trying to be cool by being aloof and detached. Be cool by being confident and a little bit forward and doing things that make the object of your affection feel like the fucking object of your affection. Otherwise, I'm assuming you're not into me. As for me, there is no faster or easier way to make me hit the road in a fast car than to make me think you're not into me.
Send flowers, guys. Send a note. It's only right.
Don't be a fucking asshole.
Posted by Havilah
Your Gramma Says Dick, Know That
 This is the greatest YouTube video ever made of three grammas watching KiKi's sex tape. That's not just me saying that, either. That's a fucking fact. My gramma is not in this video. She's way too classy for this kind of shit. No, I'm joking. She's dead. Otherwise, she'd have been there. Enjoy!
Posted by Havilah
 Egypt is apparently about to create a law, the "Farewell Intercourse" law, allowing husbands to do sex to the corpse of their wives for up to six hours after her death. I'll let you reread that sentence to make sure you got it all. Take a moment.I like jokes, I do. But this is not my kind of joke, so I definitely did not make this up. Actual news sources are reporting this shit, so I guess it's for real. I'm unable to process it as a reality, though. Like. I mean, no. It's just. No. As you can imagine, Egyptians (both alive and dead) are protesting the shit out of this insanity. Listen, I am an equal rights provider. I will probably ask, but you don't have to tell me who you do sex with and when and why and how (again, I most likely will ask, though). You like girls, guys, both, neither, drum kits, statues of Liberty? Whatever! However you like it, you like it. But, girl, I cannot cosign this loan. This is fucked up. Rejected! PS: Kaikaiing with Sharon Needles does not count as sex with a dead woman. I fully condone sex with Sharon Needles.Posted by Havilah
 Oh shit, Readers. Apparently STI's among seniors is blowing up like a condom on an air hose (particularly in Florida, go figure). So DDB NY put together this charming little video for SaferSexForSeniors.org in an attempt to spread the legs ERIMEAN word about the issue. I'm trying to be super high minded about seniors being sexual creatures and this is all perfectly natural and so on. I'm also trying to track down a doctor who'll do a chemical peel on my eyes.Maybe just some bleach.
Posted by Havilah
Posted by Lisa Loveless
 These were the words my very good friend said to me the other day at the bar. With spring making it's way in, he said it was time to prep for the Summer Jump Off Season aka Your Summer Boo.
Now, I have heard of that term before, but just to be safe, I went to the urban dictionary for a specific definition. There were several:
1. a casual sexual partner or girlfriend
2. a woman of dubious sexual practices
3. anything new and/or hot; especially in reference to a party or material item 4. a mistress or a person that is usually only being used for sex while in marriage or serious relationship; The chick (or man) on the side.
My friend doesn't think of me as a homewrecker, so I will ignore definitions 2 and 4 and go with a casual sexual partner for the summer.
Ok...let's see...I think I can get into this. But exactly how does one go about getting one? Is there an application process: "Summer Jump Off Wanted: Apply Within". Another friend suggested going into the "Oldie but Goodie" list and see if a previous sexual partner might want to jump back into rotation...with no strings attached.
I'm confused. How will it be different than the tactics I have been trying to use to get a "boo" in general...besides the whole this is just a casual thing definition? I mean if I want someone to be a regular jumpoff---doesn't that require some type of commitment? Therefore negating the whole jumpoff definition in the first place??
His answer: "Get a stable of jumpoffs"
A list, if you will, of people on call..so that if one is busy, you can jump off to the next.
My reply: "Then I might feel like a ho. Casual sex with one person maybe two seems ok..but a stable of guys? Not sure I can juggle all of that."
His reply: "Ok..then I got it! Get a L.I. Jump Off. A Long Island guy who probably doesn't have a lot of shit going on, is kind of far away where it won't be too clingy, but still close enough to come running quick when you have a call."
So apparently I have to go to Long Island. Or not. {Sigh}
xo,
Lisa Loveless
 Break ups can be hard (and they can kill you slowly), but it's always a little bit easier if you have someone in the wings ready to swoop in and ease your troubled heart. Thankfully, Amanda Whittaker of Leeds had a lady in waiting when she decided to end her 10 year relationship with her drum kit. Amanda decided it was time to have that hard sit-down with her drum kit when she realized she'd fallen in love with someone else. The Statue of Liberty. Naturally. I can see that. The bitch is large and in charge (beauty), not only can she afford a prominent New York City location but it's her own fucking island (wealth), she's famous (power), she's not going anywhere (stability) and she won't tell anyone about your weird sex stuff (trust). Amanda has what people are calling objectum sexuality. She's into objects. And she's not alone.I kind of wonder - are these people ever single or just dating around? Or are they more serial monogamists?
Posted by Havilah
 Dear Readers, I ran into a fellow singleton last night while I was out (not) partying. Anna Lamadrid hosts the brand spankin’ new podcast, “Love Bites The Big Apple” about relationships, dating and being single in New York City and, Readers, you need to listen to this shit. It’s a completely frank and honest discussion/conversation about love/romance and why the fuck so many “dope” girls “can’t get arrested by a guy to save her life.” If you don’t live in NYC, don’t worry – based on talking to singletons from the Midwest to the Middle East, this shit is uni-fucking-versal. Anna’s based in Brooklyn, but I promise you, Dear Reader from Bangladesh (yes, Google Analytics knows you’re reading), you’ll relate. Sounds like the goal is to chat with single people, non-single people, people in weird relationships that somehow work (or don’t), etc. and try to figure out how in the fuck it all works. All of it.
Her premiere interview is with “Stacy” the mega-hot puma. Okay, Readers, “puma” is a totally new term to me! How long have you slut-prostitutes been keeping this from me? Well, for those who don’t know (like me) a puma is basically a cougar but younger. They talk about sex, international men, not wasting “the pretty years”, sex, why men shouldn’t wear Axe, metrosexuality and sex. Among other things.
Anna’s a foul-mouthed lady with a candy-coated voice and you’re totally gonna want to hang out, drink Jameson and black cherry soda and talk about your shitty love life with her.
I have every intention of begging her to pick up some of the slack I get from these bitches around here and start writing for YIGTBAT.
You can find the podcast FOR FREE on iTunes
Posted by Havilah
Be Nasty!
 Today is International Women’s Day. Who cares? Because today is also National Be Nasty Day. Go for it, you filthy slut-prostitutes. You know you want to. Be nasty! Do it. Now. For your country. Posted by Havilah
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