Remember that one time when you were suddenly like, "Holy shit! I don't give a shit about my ex anymore! HOLY SHIT!" And then you ran into the middle of the nearest crowded and sunshiny park, threw all your things on the ground and spun around looking up at the sky while laughing and saying, "I'M ALIVE AND I'M HAPPY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!" Remember that time? I do. I do, Readers. I was there. And I saluted you.Sadly, I'm the type who hangs on to toxic relationships long past their expiration date. Like, I'll keep that shit in my fridge for like YEARS, Readers, until it's moldy and completely unrecognizable. So, when I'm walking under the overpass on a rainy day looking for my dealer and listening to India.Arie singing "The Heart of the Matter" in my headphones and of a sudden realize I've not only forgiven the dude I used to love, I've actually moved on from forgiving him to not even really giving a shit about him - it's a big fucking moment and yes, I said "Fucking eureka!" out loud.
Then I spotted my drugist and just in time to not get molested by the bum with the barrel-fire
.The moral of the story is this, Readers:Shit gets better. I ain't even gotta make a video because I know you know what I mean and you'll get there, Readers. You'll fucking get there. One day, you'll realize you gave away all your fucks and it's going to feel super awesome. So awesome, in fact, you might start using words like "eureka" even though you're not fully sure what they mean, they just feel so right.
Posted by Havilah
That's True Love
I've yet to find anything in life (including sexy naked men in my bed) that can wake me up with this kind of enthusiasm. Here's to you Gangnam Baby. Live long and prosper.
Posted by Havilah
I have just received news of a major success for YIGtBAT, Readers! A loyal Reader has just contacted us to let us know he can no longer read our blog at work because his computer now gives the message, "Management has deemed this site inappropriate due to pornographic and/or adult material."
Getting flagged by corporate online watchdog software is like the holy fucking grail for people like us!
RAISE A GLASS, READERS!!!!! We did it!
Richard Hess (one of my college professors) will be so fucking proud when I tell him this shit.
Posted by Havilah
No, that's the end of the post. <--
This is what I did last weekend.No, I'm fucking with you. I didn't do this piece because he was in Afghanistan, busy fighting for your fucking freedoms, you fucking lazy ass!!!!! Also, we're not that kind of friends. Which is unfair and unholy and unjust. But we aren't.Here's the point of this. I know you say you "support the troops", but I feel like you probably don't really, like fully, support them. Like you don't go out of your way. Is my point. And I understand that. You probably just hadn't realized yet how smokin' hot the troops are!
Well, guess what, Readers. They're hot. And they're putting on hot little outfits daily to make sure your sexy ass is covered. This particular soldier is particularly hot and particularly awesome and he makes me want to write an uncharacteristically supportive post about how you can get active about supporting our guys and girls who are working (and werqing) hard every day of the year for you. Yes, you personally. Here's how you can help make their lives a little easier:Wounded Warrior Project
- They offer a ton of (freeeee) programs to wounded soldiers helping them in mind, body, spirit and wallet
! There are a ton of fundraisers (that are actually fun)
you can participate in. Or you can just write a check. But that seems so yawn-worthy. Here are some runs you could sign up for
and my personal fave - the Tough Mudder mud runs
!Operation Gratitude- These folks work tirelessly putting together care packages for deployed soldiers so they're never without some comforts from home and knowing that we actually give a shit.
You can help them out in a ton of different (cool) ways. Your kids can donate their Halloween candy, you can send them arts/crafts you've made, write a letter or participate in a fundraiser. Again, my favorite is a mud run, the Merrell Down & Dirty
donates proceeds to Operation Gratitude (and it's a skosh less intense than Tough Mudder).Or go here and find the best way for you to lend a hand.
Okay, off you go. Stop taking your freedom and shit for granted. No matter how you feel about this or any war, these troops are busting their asses for you. Show a little respect, Reader, and help these sexy beasts out.
Posted by Havilah
There is an epi-fucking-demic of people asking my ass for money on Facebook (and everywhere else) right now. I mostly relegate those people to the "Unsubscribe from status updates from this person" list because I have no money and even if I did I most likely wouldn't be giving it to them to fund their fucking pet-project-slash-autobiographical-performance-art-project-based-on-life-and-mired-deeply-in-the-cultural-struggle-of-whoever-currently-has-the-most-newsworthy-cultural-struggle-slash-interpretive-dance-biopic. Which might make me selfish, but it's also the reason I have a fucking Louis Vuitton bag and not a producer credit for whatever is currently running in the basement of the Gene Frankel Theater
. BAM! (or BAM
). With that said, I recently went to "unsubscribe" from Joshua Pilote's status updates on Facebook 'cause his ass was asking me for fucking money for whatever-in-the-hell when upon closer inspection I realized...um...I think he's asking me to give him money so that he can strip for me. Ummm, yes please. Josh is a badass Broadway stage manager, not a dancer, who is planning to participate in this year's Broadway Bares by showing us all what he's working with (and I can tell you, he's working with some fucking AK-47's, ladies). Broadway Bares
is an annual performance raising money for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS
, a unique and very
special, industry-based organization helping in the fight against HIV/AIDS. Because Josh isn't a dancer and considers himself "average" (maybe average by Broadway-dancer-insane-body standards, but not by mine) this is a very big step for him and one he may only take once, therefore his fundraising goal is fucking lofty
, Readers. Josh plans to raise $10,000 for Broadway Cares (most people raise between $200 and $1000). What?! Yes, $10,000. Here's what: I, for one, hate AIDS and love gorgeous naked people dancing on stage for my enjoyment. I have a feeling you might share those likes and dislikes. So, go find that person in your life (we all have one) who has more money than they need, make them an offer they can't refuse (you know the one I mean) and get them to donate to Joshua Pilote so he can fight AIDS with his sexy abs and rock-hard...THIGHS! Thighs, you filthy slore. But also his cock. Go here to find out how you can get your donation to Joshua (and do it by June 16th or else). Here's how it works:
Joshua has been working his shit out at the Broadway fitness craze/cult Mark Fisher Fitness
in preparation for his participation in this year's Strip-a-thon prior to the actual Broadway Bares event (which is on June 17th). If Josh reaches his goal of $10,000 for the Strip-a-thon he will officially be boogy-oogy-oogying sans clothing on the Broadway Bares stage! MAKE IT HAPPEN, Readers! Do it for me (if not for Josh and if not the fight against AIDS). I want to see Josh's penical-formation through his teensy undies. There. I'm out there about that, now. It's been said. Donate.We salute you, Joshua!
Posted by Havilah
In Place Of Shaking The Baby
You know those moments in life when you really really REALLY want to shake a child? But then you remember you're not supposed to shake babies and we all sort of assume that goes for children also. Well, I feel this might be the next best option. The risk of injury is maybe-possibly slightly-a-little-bit lower than a good shaking and here's what: it's a win win! You get to relieve your frustration with the child for being so loud all the time and for destroying what used to be your nice life and the kid gets to feel the sensation of flying. If they're polite, like this kid, they'll even thank you for it.
We salute theBenJohnsonClan and are 100% behind the idea of chucking children across the room.
Posted by Havilah
Havilah & Donna
Today’s Daily Duo are my Sims, Havilah Awesome (it's a less unusual name than you probably think) and Donna Tutch. They are a lesbian couple who have been partners since the beginning of time (for them) and they recently moved in together (after an extensive app update). Here’s what, Readers: there’s no gay marriage in Simtown. Yeah, that’s right. And they can’t even adopt a fucking baby, Readers! I tried! Here’s what Sims Freeplay for iPad had to say when I tried to give them the love-baby they so desperately want, “Babies need a family to care for them! A married couple needs to live here to have a baby.” So since my two ladies are not allowed to get married because they’re gay, then the fucking government of Simtown (who Havilah Awesome fucking works for by the way) is basically saying that gays not only can’t get married but they can’t ever be a proper family and therefore will never be allowed to adopt a child. The fucking injustice here is fucking unjust. I want to start an Occupy Simtown Gayhaterville Movement in my Simtown. But guess what! They won’t fucking let me do that either! And even if I did they’d probably pepper spray me in the face and then steal my tent and hot plate the minute I turned my back to watch a performance art piece about why my vagina will one day eat the government and reign supreme.
And that's why they're today's Daily Duo.
Because life is not fucking easy for them!
And I salute them.
I need a fucking Vicodin.
Posted by Havilah
The gayting website Manhunt has recently unveiled its giant, hard cockERIMEAN billboard
in Sydney, Australia. The campaign will promote the website's new mobile app. Manhunt has 65,000 users in Australia (out of over 4 million worldwide…they walk among us, Readers). The Australian campaign comes, naturally, after the already launched US campaign (U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!GAY!) which most notably gifted all of New York for Christmas when it threw this shit
up on Times Square for all to enjoy (in his or her own way).
We salute you, Manhunt.
Posted by Havilah
Well, as a dating blogger (and, therefore, dating expert
) I was surprised to learn about this site from a non-professional (aka: married person). Cheek'd
is a dating site for which I sort of want to stand and slow clap. Here's how their shit is more interesting than other dating sites' shit (and interesting shit is the name of the game in the saturated world of dating sites) -- Cheek'd brings "online" dating into the offline world...and then back again. Oh yeah, they bring their shit full fucking circle, readers. Members get "decks" of cards resembling business cards. One side of the card might had a date suggestion or something interesting about yourself (for example, if it were my card, it'd say, "I'm pretty sure I'm cooler than most of the girls you've dated. Trust that shit."). The back of the card then directs the recipient to Cheek'd's website with a code that will lead them directly to the member who gave them the card. Does this make sense? I haven't blogged for weeks, readers, as I'm sure you noted, and my blogger is slightly in need of lube. Anyway, it's fucking brilliant is the point. Membership at Cheek'd is $9.95/month. You can get a "free" package (which, naturally, isn't at all free) for $5 towards the price of shipping and you only get 5 cards but you'll get one month of service with no monthly charge. Or you can join for $20 and receive 50 cards (among other things) and one month of service with no monthly charge (shipping is free with this package). Who dares me to try it? Seems awfully bold to hand out these damn things in person. Might actually involve engaging in person-to-person, human interaction. We'll see...Posted by Havilah
Waaah waaaaah. Mark this as the first day of the rest of your life, dear reader, because today is the day Kim Kardashian said "Fuck you (for now)," to marriage. It's true, y'all.
Kim Kardashian and That Guy She Married are getting unmarried. Kim tells E!, "After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."I would say it's a sad day for love and relationships, however! However. I have a strong sense we haven't seen the last of this bitch's lust for love. I predict Kim will go on to a life full of love, happiness and many, many marriages. Or at least that's what I'm hoping for.We salute you for keeping shit interesting, Kim. Something a bit more scandalous would've been appreciated, but you've got your whole life ahead of you for coming up with
bigger and better ways to get de-married. And I, for one, look quite forward to seeing that shit unfold.Posted by Havilah