The future is now, Readers. We are living in it. I mean, just two days ago Marty Mc-Damn-Fly showed up at some mall in the Midwest. So like, get used to it.
Aside from hovering skateboards, we also have entirely new social skills we have to make up, learn, be aware of, fuck up, etc. because of Mark Zuckerberg and his dream for a brighter, more connected tomorrow (in his pants). Facebook gives us a whole world of new things to freak out over when single, mingling, "in a relationship", fuck, even married folks have issues when it comes to Facebook.
For the daters among us, here are few things we are now forced to think about (or actively ignore). Like, how soon is too soon to post anything - anything at all - on the-person-you're-into's wall? How soon is too soon to tag them in a post? How soon is too soon to say you were "with" them somewhere in a status update? How soon, for god's sake, can we post photos TOGETHER (I mean, I'm getting the feeling that is like putting a damn ring on it. Or is it not?)? What does it mean to post a photo you took of them? Is that too serious? Are you now committed to something? What about photos of you and your whatever at some vacation-looking place? That seems like super serious, right? Or not? If you live together, can you post photos of your new couch? Or is that paramount to making an engagement announcement?
I can't and won't even get into the idea of changing your relationship status, because that's just...I mean...I...look at this...I had to take a Xanax just because I even wrote about it in one (now two!!!) line!
It just seems like so much pressure!!!
So, who has the answers? Someone among you must know what the answers are. And I want numbers!!! I don't want any of this "Meeehhhh, you do what feels right" bullshit. Don't fucking yank me around with your Oprah-isms. I don't need that. Suze Orman me, Readers. Give it to me straight up. Numbers. Facts. Algorithms. So on. And also, can I afford it?
Posted by Havilah
Dear Readers, are you looking to find love? Are you considering doing it online? Are you thinking Match.com might be a good place to try? THINK AGAIN! Okay to finding love and doing it online. But nay, I say nay to Match.com. I didn't like Match
almost immediately. It's too expensive, misleading, boring, too expensive, a pain to shut down and too expensive. However, I didn't hate it enough to completely rule them out for those of you who want to give it a go. That all changed this week. Match has started sending me emails - constant, unending, pointless, annoying emails - all day everyday. I have "unsubscribed" from these emails (3 days ago) but continue receiving them.
They claim it takes up to 7 days to stop the emails after unsubscribing. Why? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. When I unsubscribe from massive, government run email lists the change happens immediately. When I unsubscribe from small, non-profit lists the change happens immediately. When I unsubscribed from fucking Kanye West's list the fucking change happened immediately! Come on, Match! And thus, Match has been relegated to the "Tried and FAIL! Do not recommend
" section of our online dating sites list. I may try finding the email address for their leader and sending him/her (but you know it's a man) countless emails every day about how awesome my blog is and he should for sure read it.Match.com is the worst. We hate them. Print up the t-shirts.
Posted by Havilah
There's a new online dating site on the stroll, Readers! Strange Angels
entered the realm of hooking up total strangers last month. Just like every online dating site, Strange Angel is unlike any online dating site.Strange Angel's gimmick is providing personalized help to their members from their "matchmakers". Matchmakers are there to help with writing profiles, suggesting matches, dishing about other members and they'll write testimonials about you
. You can choose your own matchmaker or not use one at all. But here's what: the matchmakers are anyone who wants to be a matchmaker. Meaning, basically, me. Do you want to be a matchmaker, Reader? Then you can be a matchmaker, too! And you can be a matchmaker for totally free! You can even charge your "clients" (though Strange Angel does not facilitate these transactions). If you are using the site as a member it'll be free for a minute but after the initial roll-out it'll cost you $5/month. Not prohibitive, but also not free. Personally, I'm against non-free online dating sites.Has anyone tried this one? Does anyone want to?Posted by Havilah
Do you have single friends who tell you they think looks don't matter? I didn't think you did. Because those people are liars and I know you aren't friends with liars, Dear Reader. You're smarter than that.
The app developers Inertia, LLC have released a new dating app called Blind Fate. The app was launched at the beginning of this month and already boasts 2K users.
Here's how it works: it's a free app (only to the first 5K people, though, so get on on that!). Once you open the app you'll enter your name, age, gender, height, and some other shit. Then you use your finger to move a pink dot (if you're a girl) through a sea of blue dots (if you're into boys) and the app chooses one based on the way you interact with the user interface (I'm fairly convinced it's random and the "user interface" bullshit is just lies. Once your pink/blue dot has been selected you are given the option to chat with that dot (which now has a name) and/or give them a "gift" (they have clever little "gifts" you can pick out to send such as ice cream treats and soccer balls...they're stupid).
In case you're waiting for the part where you finally get to see the person behind the dot, you'll be waiting a while. Or at least until you decide that it's perfectly reasonable to go meet this dot in person. And you're smarter than that, Reader. You're better than that.
Verdict? This app sucks.
Posted by Havilah
According to a recent infographic created by Online University, some of us (me) have been doing the online dating thing entirely wrong. According to their (factually questionable) number crunching, I have a better chance of finding love by entering the realm (yes, realm) of World of Warcraft. WoW. No, but seriously, wow.
This infographic is super cool, though. So I kind of don't care if the number aren't entirely accurate. I don't even care if they're entirely inaccurate. It's fucking neat, Readers, just look! It moves!
Also, World of Warcraft is currently free to new users for the first 20 levels, so...I'm just saying....
Posted by Havilah
After recently receiving an informative and eye-opening email from This Fucking Guy
on OKCupid, I have come to realize that there are actually a lot of guys on there who have interesting ideas about how to get a date. Specifically, they imagine themselves in a position to be super fucking picky about from whom they’ll be accepting communications on their fucking ONLINE DATING PROFILE. These guys make lists of requirements potential date candidates must fulfill in order to send them a message. Here are some of my personal favorites from one fella: “If your favourite music sounds like a man who caught his arm in a closing and re-closing elevator door (R&B) you're probably not my kind of girl.”
– What about Little Richard? “If you drink bottled water every day you should try to spell EVIAN backwards.”
– N-A-I-V-E…Oh shit, well would ya’ look at that! “If you watch more than one reality TV shows a week you probably need better taste and a life.”
– Oh, I do. I do all of those things. But am I your kind of girl? “If you have architectural drawings of a hollowed out volcano…you’re probably not my kind of Girl.”
– Wait, what? “Architectural drawings of a hollowed out volcano”??? Is that a thing?!?! I want!!!
Seriously. Who in the fuck do these guys think they are? Have they noticed that they’re on an online dating site to find women? Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I’m just saying, let’s just try to fucking manage our expectations, yeah?
Posted by Havilah
After Part I, Part II and Part III I really thought I was done with this guy, but I just couldn’t get this one last bit of his profile out of my mind. So, one more thing and then I’ll leave this sad, lonely guy alone. Here are This Fucking Guy’s requirements listed under the “Contact Me If…” section on his OKCupid profile: "1. … You quit working soul sucking day jobs years ago for a life and career you are passionate about."
– What if I’m passionate about making you look a fool and that is
my soul sucking day job? "2. You're crazy enough to be interesting and well enough to never have been medicated for it."
– I lose. I’m on a daily helping of Prozac and if I didn’t have Vicodin my life would be so sad. I’m unwell. "3. You aren't involved with your exes. If this needs justification or explanation we probably aren't good for each other anyway."
– Fair enough. "4. You get over big arguments in minutes. No sulking, no grudges."
– Big arguments? Are we expecting big
arguments? Well, no, I lose. I’m a human being with a brain that produces chemicals and emotions are part of my life experience – in other words, if you have a big argument with me, you’re fucking paying for that shit for a while
. This Fucking Guy seriously loves the idea of absolutely zero accountability. "5. You have good credit."
– Is he having a laugh? He’s having a laugh. He has to be having a fucking laugh. "6. You are passionate about something, anything. Making stuff? Biking? Knitting? Gardening? Your career? Roller Derby? Training fleas? Fire eating? It doesn't matter what you care about, just care about something!"
In closing, I would like to thank This Fucking Guy for opening my eyes to my shortcomings, his shortcomings and your shortcomings and for giving me the idea to go trolling other guys’ profiles and finding that he's actually not alone in his fucking insane method of attracting women by thinking so highly of himself (who is on an online dating site) that he should have a fucking list of requirements that makes it nearly impossible to like him.
Posted by Havilah
Welcome to Part III, the final installation (maybe), of my series on This Fucking Guy. This guy hates my OKCupid photo and he hates your entire profile. See Part I
and Part II
to catch up on This Fucking Guy’s batshittery. Here’s just a little more of his “Profile Writing Workshop”. Again, these are all just hand-picked, highlighted moments of his genius. The Real deal is much more in depth and awesome. “Then there's spelling. The following are distinct words with different meanings. Hint: spellcheck can't help you here but your 2nd grade vocab test might.
there, they're, their
Also, things are *different from* each other NOT *different than*.”
– I have friends and relatives who take this shit real fucking serious and personal and it’s part of the reason I (sometimes on purpose, sometimes accidentally on purpose) use shitty grammar a lot. I love the idea that this might drive someone to the breaking point. I’m simply providing them with a wonderful opportunity to rise above it. If this paragraph didn't bother you, you are not one of those people. You're healthy. You're fine.
Fucking prepositions. Who fucking cares?
“Next, it's disingenuous to make your username ‘NYgirl326’ or ‘nyc_brat’ or ‘bkfreckles’ when you were actually born and raised in Las Vegas. Or worse, in New Jersey. Or worse, ‘outside of Boston’. ‘Outside of Boston’ has a name you know, it's called Massachusetts, and there are lots of nice little towns out there. Unless your mailing address was Boston, MA then that's not where you are from.”
– So, if you are not from Boston but live near there, simply say you live in Massachusetts, This Fucking Guy will know where you mean. You mean “outside Boston” (because that’s all there is in Massachusetts, Boston and Massachusetts). Also, if you’re from New Jersey, all snobbiness aside, but he wants nothing to do with your ass.
“Please don't write to me just to call me a jerk. I didn't write to you to say you spelled ‘you're’ wrong. Well, maybe I did, but either way, you should just quietly fix your profile and move along. Move along.” –
Is it really so much to ask that our provocative actions needn’t provoke any equal or opposite reaction? I’m with him here. I should absolutely be able to tell you that your photo makes me long for death, your interests are fucking boring and your grammar is that of a child and you should just keep your fucking mouth shut about it. Here here! Just quietly fix your shit and move along, bitches. Move along.Posted by Havilah
Welcome to Part II of my series on This Fucking Guy
on OKCupid. As you already know because you read my with religious fervor, This Fucking Guy does not like the photo I had
up of me with a baby because it made his boner go limp. Meanwhile, his photo ruined my boner
, like, for life
. One of our staff is calling it “the aquatically inclined serial killer/welder look” and I think that’s spot on.
Upon closer inspection of his profile (which is a gem in its entirety, truly) I found his “Profile Writing Workshop”. This is a section he’s added to his dating profile where he lets you know why and how your profile sucks and why and how he hates you for it. It’s way too long to post all of it here but I’ll give you the highlights. Just know that this is only a taste of This Fucking Guy’s hard core bitchery. “You should consider rewriting your profile if you have any variation of the phrase: ‘I'm just as comfortable going out for a night on the town as I am staying in watching movies.’ …You're so versatile [rolls eyes].”
– I’ll assume this means my aversion to nights on the town makes me interesting and I should include it on my profile.
“It's definitely rewrite time if you've used these inane phrases: laid back, down to earth, classy, I love to laugh, I enjoy trying new things, I'll try anything once
Hint #1: Trying a new kind of wine doesn't count.
Hint #2: Most guys would take that phrase very differently from how you probably mean it.
Hint #3: And even then what guy wants to do you *back there* only once?”
– Wow. I love that ass sex is immediately where he goes.
“You love to laugh? Give. Me. A. Break. Laughter, it seems, is the most popular pastime of girls with profiles on here.
Hint #1: Maybe take a break from laughing and get some hobbies.
Hint #2: You might be brain-dead.”
– Let it be known that This Fucking Guy hates laughing and hates women.
“The next most popular pastimes are red wine and reality TV. Sigh.”
– Because he’s a fucking statistician, he’s done his fucking research, he’s read all the profiles on OKCupid (PS: there’s no “pastime” section) and the results are fucking conclusive. So just back the fuck off.Wow. Stay tuned. There's more.Posted by Havilah
Ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod, Readers! I just got the greatest message on OKCupid I have ever received. As you’d expect, sometimes people write to me on OKCupid who are just the salt of the mother fucking earth
. I had a photo on my page of me with a friend’s baby wherein I’m pretending to eat said baby’s head. My hair looks dynamo in the picture, the kid is cute, it’s humorous and all around a great photo. Here’s the unedited version of what this guy thought of it: Just a bit of insight into male psychology for you. This may not apply to all men but my guess is that your photo with that baby will scare off men, good men even. It's a scary reminder to men to think that "that" could happen. What I mean is that the men on here are looking to date you and eventually sleep with you, right? The first thought of a guy who is looking at your profile pictures is "could I see myself sleeping with her?" When your photo has a baby in it and the guy is already thinking about sex the next thought you are putting in his mind is "oh shit, this girl wants a baby right now". That's a scary thought for a guy. Most guys are at least a little hesitant about having kids even with a long time lover or wife. So you, a girl he has never met, to be flaunting a baby in his face, can be a bit of a turn off. It's not that those guys don't eventually want babies, it's just very confrontational of you to shove a baby in a guy's face when he is thinking of dating you.
Anyway, take that however you will but my advice is to not post any photos of kids on a dating site. Just save them for Facebook or something. Good luck!
He has a fair point with regard to pictures of kids that aren’t your own on a dating site – so I did take it down. I felt kind of weird putting it up in the first place but my hair just looked so great!
But let’s talk about the important stuff:
A) Who the fuck asked him?
B) Really? “The first thought of a guy who is looking at your profile pictures is ‘Could I see myself sleeping with her?’ .“
Really?! Men, weigh in here, please – really
?! I’m the first to admit I base 80-90% of my opinion on photos when dating online, however, it has nothing to do with having sex with them. I’m looking for clean teeth, a total absence of Guys With iPhones
photos, at least one photo with less that 50% of the face obstructed or in shadow and zero photos of him kissing a pussy cat. In short, I'm looking for datability, not fuckability.
C) Who the fuck asked him?
D) Believe it or not (but it’s fucking true) I have
asked men on OKCupid what more/less they’d like to see from my photos. I did not ask this guy. So, who the fuck asked him?
E) How should I respond to this, Readers?!
And most importantly of anything in this entire post
F) Here is his photo
. I am not even fucking kidding, Readers. This is actually his profile pic and the rest of them do not get any better, I assure you. So, that speaks for itself. I'll let your boggled mind steep in that for a bit.
G) Is posting a link to his picture on my blog “response” enough?Posted by Havilah