Worst beginning to a story.
But anyway, I met a dude at a bar. He's from The Far Rockaways (if you're not from NYC, just let the name speak for itself...it has the word "Far" built into it), so already this isn't going to work. But whatever, I'm desperate, right? So we go out and it's like, whatever, it's fine. I'm not swooning, but I'm also not composing a scathing blog post in my head the whole time. Like it was just okay. He's getting a second date (give me a break, Readers, I've been single for 3 fucking years).
So I get some texts over the next few days and we make plans to see each other and I'm kind of "meh" about it, but I wouldn't mind a tongue in my mouth and he's not totally hideous, so I'm on board. Mind, Readers, at this point, we have been on one date, on which there was no kissing (or anything else of that nature).
A couple days before our date, I'm minding my bits-ness and "tweet" goes my phone and I see it's a text from him and I'm not fluttery about it (which is a clear sign I really am not into this dude, but whatever...I'm laser focused on getting a tongue in my mouth). Slide to view text. BAM! It is a full-on "Guys With iPhones" photo of him. Sans a shirt, sans a six pack and apparently sans Windex (ew). WHAT. THE. FUCK??
You guys, specifically straight guys, you might love getting nekkid photos of ladies sent to your phone after one date. Hear me when I tell you: this is totally a men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus situation. Straight girls are, for the most part, not into that shit. Particularly if A) you haven't even so much as kissed them yet and B) you ain't got the goods for that kind of bragadouchery.
In shock, I reply, "WTF?!" and receive a smiley face emoticon. End of exchange.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE END, READERS!!!!
This mother fucker has the balls (and I should know!) to send me ANOTHER photo the next day and this time: FULL. ON. COCK.
So that's the beginning, middle and end of that relationship. Straight men, take note. Don't fucking do that. No one wants to get that shit on their phone in the middle of the deep blue goddamn workday.
Dating is hard, you guys.