Here's some super good advice which my couple-type Readers should definitely follow:

Don't take advice from single people on your currently tumultuous relationship.

Here's why:
When my friends come to me being all, "Meh, my boyfriend is the pits, he never does whatever thing I like him to do. Meh." Or perhaps, "I feel like he just doesn't, like, KNOW me like he used to." Or like, "We haven't had sex in a decade. But I looove him." It could even be, "I wanted a Snickers the other day and he wouldn't get me one." My answer, 90% of the time, to any of your relationship issues, is going to be, "Get out. Get out now before there are joint assets and/or children or god forbid shared debt! Get out!" And if your relationshipal (it's a word) counterpart does/says/omits ANYTHING, I mean anything whatsoever, that hurts your feelings even a little bit, I'm definitely going to be like, "That's abusive. You have to leave. You're clearly not happy. Stop wasting your life, it's too short. Etc." This advice is TERRIBLE! And it comes from a person who has no fucking idea what it means to actually work to preserve harmony in a relationship instead of bailing at the first sign of choppy waters. Also, singletons want two things in this world, and two things only: A) to not be single and B) for everyone else to be single. They yearn for others to share in their misery, so of course their first (perfectly natural) reaction to your plight is, "JOIN ME! THE WATER IS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

So, Coupled Readers, you've been warned. Don't go to your single friends with your relationshipal (I'm sticking with it) problems because they're going to find a way to make you question the entire foundation of the existence of your relationship. It won't help you. Go talk to your happily married aunt and uncle. They'll know what to do. Plus, they always pay for dinner.

Posted by Havilah

Maybe I'm just bitter because I've been single for like my whole life. Maybe. Or maybe I'm a lady with a sense of occasion who knows how shit should go down and how it should absolutely never - under any circumstances - go down.

Here (below) we have a marriage proposal set-up for a local Huntsville, AL news anchor. She's reading a prompter telling her there is "breaking news" and you can guess the rest. Sounds super romantic. It isn't. It's so awkward and uncomfortable I want to cringe and die and then come back to life and slap this man for not thinking this through more thoroughly.

I'm sure this would all be very sweet seeming (to them) if they'd done it alone. And they'd tell the story and everyone would be all, "Aaaaawwww" and whatever. But now that'll never happen, because we all saw it and it was total shit.

If you insist on a public proposal (which, I'm not at all opposed to), you must remember you are, essentially, producing a bit of theater. Think that shit through!!! The quelle surprise moment is not the only thing you have to plan here! Your audience deserves more than a bang-up intro followed by a mediocre show and a fizzle of an ending (that sentence, by the way, can double as my review for Julie Taymor's The Lion King). Moreover, what does this say as far as a foreshadowing of your life together?!?! Not to mention you're clearly terrible at sexing.

So. No pressure, you guys. But don't fuck this shit up by going all gung-fucking-ho on a proposal surprise then muttering out a few cliches about waking up ever day together followed by weight-shifting-stand-aroundery where we're all expecting you (and, frankly, her) to say, "Dear God, IS IT OVER??"  You need to propose the house down! Or just do it privately so you can both tell everyone it was the most sweepingly romantic thing the universe has ever witnessed and we'll all believe you because what the fuck do we know?

Posted by Havilah

This dude who's whatever told me recently, "I can't give you 100% right now". This other dude who's also whatever told me, "I'm not in a position to be a full-time boyfriend to someone."

What.
The fuck.

First of all, what fucking pheromones am I emitting that are reading as, "I need to subsume you entirely like some kind of brain-eating amoeba"? Becauuuuuuse, I need to get that shit fixed.

But more to the point, why do these men seem to believe the only way to be truly "involved" with someone is to give "100%" (or "full time"...which I guess could really just mean 40 hours/week)? No one, including Sweet Brown, has time fadatt. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but ever since I stopped being a 19-year-old girl, I have had zero interest in giving 100% of myself to any-damn-one. That's not to say I've not been deeply in love, I have (shut up, YES I HAVE!!). I just don't understand or connect with the idea of giving everything to someone! It seems like that would just be wildly unhealthy. And shit, forget about you not wanting to be a "full-time" boyfriend - GURL! I don't want to be your full-time ANYthing. I mean, DAMN! FULL-TIME!??! That's a fucking lot of time! When would I write my blog about the other dudes I'm dating? When would I watch my stories or do my jigsaws?? When would I think up offensive pussy jokes to tell my mom?? OH MY GOD I'M FREAKING OUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

So, you guys, here's what:
I can't speak for the rest of singlepeoplekind, but as for me - I do not want to give you 100% of me or my time and I do not want the responsibility of being gifted with yours. I think 60/40 is fair. Maybe if we're going to talk about like sharing assets and credit reports or some crazy shit like that, we can maaaaybe get to like a little higher ratio. Until then, stop trying so hard to not be a 19-year-old girl!! Believe it or not, it's not actually expected of you. You stupid ho.

PS: To the women who potentially taught these men to think we're all crazy-demanding; Fuck you straight to your fucking face.

Posted by Havilah