Here's some super good advice which my couple-type Readers should definitely follow:
Don't take advice from single people on your currently tumultuous relationship.
When my friends come to me being all, "Meh, my boyfriend is the pits, he never does whatever thing I like him to do. Meh." Or perhaps, "I feel like he just doesn't, like, KNOW me like he used to." Or like, "We haven't had sex in a decade. But I looove him." It could even be, "I wanted a Snickers the other day and he wouldn't get me one." My answer, 90% of the time, to any of your relationship issues, is going to be, "Get out. Get out now before there are joint assets and/or children or god forbid shared debt! Get out!" And if your relationshipal (it's a word) counterpart does/says/omits ANYTHING, I mean anything whatsoever, that hurts your feelings even a little bit, I'm definitely going to be like, "That's abusive. You have to leave. You're clearly not happy. Stop wasting your life, it's too short. Etc." This advice is TERRIBLE! And it comes from a person who has no fucking idea what it means to actually work to preserve harmony in a relationship instead of bailing at the first sign of choppy waters. Also, singletons want two things in this world, and two things only: A) to not be single and B) for everyone else to be single. They yearn for others to share in their misery, so of course their first (perfectly natural) reaction to your plight is, "JOIN ME! THE WATER IS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"
So, Coupled Readers, you've been warned. Don't go to your single friends with your relationshipal (I'm sticking with it) problems because they're going to find a way to make you question the entire foundation of the existence of your relationship. It won't help you. Go talk to your happily married aunt and uncle. They'll know what to do. Plus, they always pay for dinner.
Posted by Havilah
Maybe I'm just bitter because I've been single for like my whole life. Maybe. Or maybe I'm a lady with a sense of occasion who knows how shit should go down and how it should absolutely never - under any circumstances - go down.
Here (below) we have a marriage proposal set-up for a local Huntsville, AL news anchor. She's reading a prompter telling her there is "breaking news" and you can guess the rest. Sounds super romantic. It isn't. It's so awkward and uncomfortable I want to cringe and die and then come back to life and slap this man for not thinking this through more thoroughly.
I'm sure this would all be very sweet seeming (to them) if they'd done it alone. And they'd tell the story and everyone would be all, "Aaaaawwww" and whatever. But now that'll never happen, because we all saw it and it was total shit.
If you insist on a public proposal (which, I'm not at all opposed to), you must remember you are, essentially, producing a bit of theater. Think that shit through!!! The quelle surprise moment is not the only thing you have to plan here! Your audience deserves more than a bang-up intro followed by a mediocre show and a fizzle of an ending (that sentence, by the way, can double as my review for Julie Taymor's The Lion King). Moreover, what does this say as far as a foreshadowing of your life together?!?! Not to mention you're clearly terrible at sexing.
So. No pressure, you guys. But don't fuck this shit up by going all gung-fucking-ho on a proposal surprise then muttering out a few cliches about waking up ever day together followed by weight-shifting-stand-aroundery where we're all expecting you (and, frankly, her) to say, "Dear God, IS IT OVER??" You need to propose the house down! Or just do it privately so you can both tell everyone it was the most sweepingly romantic thing the universe has ever witnessed and we'll all believe you because what the fuck do we know?
Posted by Havilah
This dude who's whatever told me recently, "I can't give you 100% right now". This other dude who's also whatever told me, "I'm not in a position to be a full-time boyfriend to someone."
First of all, what fucking pheromones am I emitting that are reading as, "I need to subsume you entirely like some kind of brain-eating amoeba"? Becauuuuuuse, I need to get that shit fixed.
But more to the point, why do these men seem to believe the only way to be truly "involved" with someone is to give "100%" (or "full time"...which I guess could really just mean 40 hours/week)? No one, including Sweet Brown, has time fadatt. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but ever since I stopped being a 19-year-old girl, I have had zero interest in giving 100% of myself to any-damn-one. That's not to say I've not been deeply in love, I have (shut up, YES I HAVE!!). I just don't understand or connect with the idea of giving everything to someone! It seems like that would just be wildly unhealthy. And shit, forget about you not wanting to be a "full-time" boyfriend - GURL! I don't want to be your full-time ANYthing. I mean, DAMN! FULL-TIME!??! That's a fucking lot of time! When would I write my blog about the other dudes I'm dating? When would I watch my stories or do my jigsaws?? When would I think up offensive pussy jokes to tell my mom?? OH MY GOD I'M FREAKING OUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
So, you guys, here's what:
I can't speak for the rest of singlepeoplekind, but as for me - I do not want to give you 100% of me or my time and I do not want the responsibility of being gifted with yours. I think 60/40 is fair. Maybe if we're going to talk about like sharing assets and credit reports or some crazy shit like that, we can maaaaybe get to like a little higher ratio. Until then, stop trying so hard to not be a 19-year-old girl!! Believe it or not, it's not actually expected of you. You stupid ho.
PS: To the women who potentially taught these men to think we're all crazy-demanding; Fuck you straight to your fucking face.
Posted by Havilah
Aaawwww, Kelsey Grammer super loves his 4th wife, Kayte Walsh. He's so in love and sure it's gonna be for life that he went under the needle for her ass. He got her name tattooed on his waistline because A) he loves her mucho, B) it's forever this time and C) he's apparently a 21 year old girl. The tattoos artist's gramma attended her grandson's very first celebrity tattooing (as any gramma should) and had this to say about the artwork, "I figured with his background he should just put a 'K' with a period to give him some flexibility." Damn, gramma! That bitch does not mince words. I like her. I wonder if she'd write for YIGtBAT. We need more of her around here.
Posted by Havilah
...and/or a pair of fucking shackles. Depending on if you're Britney Spears or not. And in all honesty, I'm really
hoping you are.
So, you know how Brit-Brit's dad is her conservator
(so basically her dad but if she were 14 years old) for the past several years? Shut up, you fucking know, don't pretend like you're so above celebrity gossip, Reader. I know you.Anyway, Brit-Brit's diddy
decided last Friday that it made perfect sense for her fiancé, Jason Trawick, to file a petition making him a co-conservator. Jason will be in charge of Brit-Brit's "well being" while Diddy will continue to man the whip at the golden gates to her bank account. In short, Jason asked Britney to marry him and sho
rtly thereafter asked for legal control over her.She said "yes". Not that it mattered.The happy and totally normal couple plans to have a ceremony. But it's really just for show since Jason has already decided it's in Brit's best interest to marry him, therefore she must. Legally.This seems to fall pretty much in line with Britney's fantasy of how love works. Posted by Havilah
Today is that day of days that comes but once every four years. It's Leap Day. And we all know what that means (no one knows what that means) -- today is the day a lady can propose to a fella! It is the ONLY DAY! Any other day of any other year this is entirely unacceptable behavior and strictly verboten. Obviously.
Scared your guy might not be super into the idea of being bound forever to your ass? No biggie, 'cause here's what: if his stupid face tells you "no", then he has to either give you money, buy you a gown or gift you with 12 (TWELVE) pair of gloves. Twelve. So, you're pretty much set either way.
This is a rare case of no downside, lady Readers. Just ask. You'll either get presents or you'll get laid on the reg. Get it!
Posted by Havilah
Michelle Duggar, mother of 19 and counting, is well known for her Quiverfull
ways and is openly the best wife a man could want (despite having a uterus who is constantly looking for a way out). Well, luckily for all of us everywhere (married, hoping to be married or don't know it yet but we want to be married, deep down), Michelle's knowledge
has hit the internet and is about to smack you in the mouth-hole with wisdom. What money she doesn't make exploiting her children and her own lifestyle, she makes up for in speaking engagements. Topic? How to be a good wife/mother/Quiverfull/etc. For your enjoyment and edification, here is the worksheet
Mrs. Duggar uses at said engagements. Read it. You're "manliness destroying" ass could use a lesson in wifery. As we all know, Michelle's most important role in our lives and the lives of everyone is how to get your hair looking toot sweet (she defies the laws of nature with her straight/rolled bangs and cascading crunchy-curls...it's a thing of beauty
). Well, that is not left out of her worksheet as a rule of being a good wife. I should've known...
A woman's hair style must reflect her husband's wishes (Ephesians 5:24).
Your Hairstyle Should Show Your -
a. Femininity vs. Masculinity
b. Contentment vs. Frustration
c. Neatness vs. Carelessness
d. Submission vs. Pride
e. Diligence vs. Weariness
f. Softness vs. Hardness
g. Self-acceptance vs. Self-rejection
h. Obedience vs. Defiance
i. Patience vs. Impatience
j. Personal organization vs. Disorganization
k. Personal discipline vs. Inconsistency
That is rich. Well, her hair
is a thing to behold, so I will assume that means she is the best wife in all the land and in all of history, forever and ever, amen. And when you're married to a man named Jim Bob, how can you help but be the best?NOTE: Far be it from me to question this paragon of wifeliness, godliness and Quiverfulliness - but, just as an FYI for my unholy Readers, Ephesians 5:24 actually reads:
"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Michelle has apparently interpreted "everything" to mean "hairstyles" and that stands to reason
.Posted by Havilah
Our friends over at Match.com
did a survey
and as it turns out, nobody wants to get married anymore. By "nobody" I mean 40% of singles over 21 and by not wanting to get married I mean they're unsure. Match's study showed almost 40% of singletons surveyed were unsure about getting married; overall, 34.5% say they do want to marry, but 27% decidedly do not
. Match also figured out this math: 21.3% of single folks say they "don't have time" (bitch, please - no one is that
busy) or prefer to stay unattached. Only 12.7% are actively seeking a relationship. Just under half (46.8%) are not actively looking for a relationship but say that if they met the right crazy they would consider it, and 16.9% are dating someone. Another 2.2% like to "play the field" (ew). There are a lot of numbers in this post, I need to go massage my brain folds. brb.Okay, I'm back. So, it sounds like people are a lot more comfortable being single than I would have guessed.
The marriage rate has been on the decline basically since it was invented, so that doesn't shock or awe me. It seems to me marriage is kind of a contract that makes it really really hard for you to leave someone. I don't know that I want to be in that kind of situation. However, the low percentage of people actively looking for a relationship does make my eyebrow involuntarily raise.Dear Readers, are you surprised by these results?
Posted by Havilah