The other day I was riding the subway and noticed an adorable looking older couple. I can't gauge age very well, but I'm gonna venture and say there were in the early or mid 60s.

Full disclosure: I have a soft spot for senior citizens. I don't know what it is, but my eyes start to tear if I look at an older person for more than 3 minutes.

So, here I was creating a Notebook-esque love story for this elderly couple when I noticed grandpa looking my way. At first I thought, "Aw, how sweet! I must totally remind him of his granddaughter or something. He's probably thinking he should give her a call and wish her a good day." And then it happened! The insidious thought entered my mind and before I knew it the voice in my head said, "OMAIGA! IS GRANDPA CHECKING ME OUT?!"

Now that I think about it, way older men dating/marrying way younger women is kind of a thing (hello!...the late Anna-Nicole Smith's Sugar Daddy...may they both rest in peace). But I just never imagined or even allowed myself to imagine those kind of relationships in a sexual manner (I blame my tenderness for the elderly for this incredible blind spot). I guess I imagined those kinds of relationships to be a kind of second chance to get the father/daughter dynamic right. You know...A LOT of hand holding, some kisses on the check and forehead and on special occasions or photo opportunities a little lip action.

So it got me to thinking..when, if ever, does your sexual attraction stop growing with you? Nature obviously puts some of these safety nets in place. For the most part, unless you are a pedophile, at some point in your life you stop finding a 12 year old attractive...in the "hey, I want to play 7 min in heaven with you" way.

Somewhere along the line though this kind of sexual attraction correlation slows down. A 25 year old will still want to bang a 19 year old. A 40 year old will marry at 22 year old. I guess scientifically it makes sense. You can say that aging men want to procreate and will look for a viable female with the best chances of popping out a baby.

But where are the safety nets for the aging population of women? Does Grandpa still find his elderly wife sexually attractive--even though she is past her childbearing years? Can Grandpa look at a younger female without thinking of his daughter? Or is he now pining for some twenty-something poonany?

Because I gotta say...if Grandpa is not thinking about banging Grandma on a regular basis...I'm gonna be hella pissed at Mother Nature. Way to look out for one of your own, "Mother" Nature!

Posted by Lisa Loveless

I recently returned from the Far East where I discovered something amazing: The Ex-Pat community. The internet defines “expat” as: a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing. Through interacting with this community I made a discovery: NY men are WHACK as HELL because they are lazy. There I said it.

I have never been interested in dating foreign men. I guess coming from a different country myself and being an “immigrant” in the US, American men were enough of an “other” for me. I have friends that collect rendez-vous with foreign men like stamps on their passports, but it just wasn’t my thing. I may have to reconsider this stance, though.

I met Philippe at a dance club in China. He is a 32 year old French business owner currently living in Hong Kong. Now, I know what you are thinking: “A bar isn’t a place to meet a man” and you are absolutely correct. But I was on vacation, so I wasn’t looking for a life partner, just somebody to flirt with and maybe have a little dance.

Difference number 1: This motherfucker can DANCE and I LOVE to dance. My number one pet peeve about NY men is their resistance to just letting loose and dancing (I feel like I have to sell a kidney to the black market to convince a guy to get on the dance floor with me.) Unless, of course, they are blackout drunk and THEN they want to live out some fantasy of being a contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance.” Newsflash: When you are drunk, you lose the ability to be coordinated….so you are actually flailing around like an idiot and possibly threatening to knock some helpless girl down with your brilliant drug/alcohol induced “dancing”. There are exceptions to this rule, but that usually involves me going to an urban dance club.

But Philippe was so fun on the dance floor and sober enough to still offer some charming conversation. I don’t think I have danced that much with someone in over 8 months. They literally turned on the lights and we were still hoping the DJ would play another song.
Ex-Pat 1 :: NY Men 0

Difference number 2: This man was a man of his word. My motto in life has always been: “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Period.

I don’t know how many times I have had a situation where a NY man will say something like: “Let’s catch a movie next Tuesday”...cut to next Tuesday and they are ghost—nowhere to be found. No follow up. No confirmation. Nothing.

Listen, you are not doing me any favors by asking me to do something you have no intention in actually doing. I have plenty of things to fill my schedule with. But when I carve time out of MY busy schedule and then you completely flake out on a plan YOU initiated…well that’s just plain disrespectful. But somehow, I now expect this to be the norm and not the exception. I actually overbook my schedule and plan backup events because I have stopped believing that men will show up when they say they will.

So when Philippe had to fly to Shanghai to visit one of his manufacturers and promised to return before I flew back to NY to take me on a “proper” date, I took with it a grain of salt and went about the business of enjoying my vacation. Don’t you know, that despite being held up in Shanghai longer than he planned and trying to book a flight on a sold out holiday weekend, Philippe waited at the airport to fly stand-by and managed to keep his word and take me on an awesome date on my last day. So if this man can jump on a two hour flight to keep his word, you can show up to a goddamned movie!
Ex-pat 2 :: NY Men 0

Difference number 3: This man was so comfortable in his own skin that it allowed me to be comfortable in mine. NY men (or maybe American men in general) are obsessed with what defines them as a “man.” So much so, that they are actually homophobic--deeming anything that doesn’t fall into their definition of a man as being “gay.” I dated a guy who would drop the phrase: “that’s gay” so much I felt like we couldn’t connect on any level with the things I enjoyed doing. So, watching a rom-com with your girlfriend: Gay!, going dancing: Gay!, watching a play: Gay! and on and on the list goes...I know he was an idiot. But how can you create intimacy with someone who dismisses things that he deems “feminine” because he’s afraid it is going to make him less “manly”. At the end of the day, I’m woman….what do you think I’m going to bring to the table?

When Philippe asked me one thing I wanted to do on my last day, I was scared to be honest with him. The truth was, I wanted to get a facial. It sounds silly but they are SO affordable in Asia that there was no way I was going to miss out on getting a $275 facial for $50. I tiptoed around the issue and then shyly confessed to my facial desire. I half expected him to say, “Ok, I will go to the bar for a beer and we can go to dinner after you get your facial...because getting a facial is gay!” Instead, he looked at me, smiled and said, “That’s a wonderful idea. I could probably use a facial myself.” We went together and had an awesome time at the spa.

That moment of acceptance set the tone for the rest of the date. He accepted me and the things that I wanted to do without judgment and it opened the door for some wonderfully honest conversations.

So, if I have to sit through a freaking soccer game and hear you yell (like you are on the field and they could actually hear you) at “your” team for not scoring a goal without judgment, you can come and get a damn facial with me.
Ex-Pat 3. NY Men 0

So, ok, I know I can’t make blanket statements and call all NY men WHACK. Frankly, it would be unfair to the NY men out there who want to be or even are “good guys”. All I know is this: the bar has been raised. Things with Philippe may not go anywhere and they don’t have to. What he did was present an alternative. An alternative that maybe I didn’t think was out there or I even deserved. That I am worthy of someone who shows up when they say they will and respects the things that I value. Wow. What a concept. Isn’t that Being a Descent Human Being 101?

Maybe my “international-loving” friends WERE onto something. I guess I have always been a late bloomer.

Bonjour.

Posted by Lisa Loveless

Tuesdays are normally my day off--from my day job. But yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long, I had absolutely NOTHING to do--no errands, no auditions, nothing! Seeing a blank page on my planner, usually throws me into a panic attack where I start to rethink my life.  When the weather is cold, I normally do as my mother says, "Hecha las patas arriba y descanse" (Put your feet up and rest). (Spanish translation is much funnier) But the weather was so nice, I thought, "Hey do something fun for yourself and get out of the house."

So I did. I planned a day of yoga and the afternoon at the High Line to drink in this beautiful city called NYC. Yoga kicked ass and then the High Line kicked my  self-esteem's ass. Nothing like a gorgeous Spring day to bring all the couples out to play. I tried focusing on the script I had brought along, but I was bombarded with the amount of couples holding hands, cuddling and kissing every where I turned. And that's when the bitterness kicked in..and let me tell you...she's a nasty nasty bitch! 

First thought: WHY THE FUCK AM I SITTING HERE ALONE?Second thought: What the fuck does she have that I don't have? What's her secret??!Third thought: Wait..I'm way cuter than her and she has a man...what the fuck is wrong with NYC? What's wrong with me?

And then it spiraled...to a really dark place. I was angry at myself for letting it all get to me. Moments like these make me feel like the only single girl in the universe and that's ridiculous. I wanted to punch all the couples in the face. I wanted to curse the heaven's for God being so cruel to me (a ridiculous and impotent gesture since I don't even go to church). I tried reaching out to friends, but all were busy with other plans. I was literally on the verge of tears at the High Line--so I packed my bags and did what any self-respecting single girl does in situations like these: ate the FUCK out of my feelings!

I found a restaurant and had a Po' Boy sandwich (the irony of the name is not lost on this girl) and the biggest piece of carrot cake imaginable--made with no nuts and cream cheese icing..that's like finding a unicorn!

Maybe it was the sugar high, but clarity started to set in half way through my dessert and I thought, "Why the fuck am I stuffing this whole piece of cake (that's clearly meant to be shared) in my mouth right now? Because I'm single? Why is that a bad thing?"

Because the truth is: I got a pretty fucking amazing life. I need to be grateful for everything that I get to do and experience. Somewhere along the way, I blame my immigrant upbringing, I was programmed to believe that if I didn't have a partner I haven't really accomplished anything...but that's bullshit. I am the one that gets to define and redefine what success and fulfillment means to me.

So I did the unimaginable, I turned off my phone and forced a day of being alone. Because sometimes all you gotta do is face your fucking fears and woman the fuck UP! and you know what..it didn't kill me. 

Changing thought patterns that have been there since birth is not easy..and I can't promise that I won't feel that way again. But I found a way to cope and put myself back on track...and yeah it fucking involves cake! The great Jay Z once said: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." And in this case...that's ME...and this girl loves some goddamned cake!

Yours truly,
Lisa Loveless

This is Lisa Loveless's first contribution to YIGtBAT. Lisa hosts a podcast about single life in New York City which we're obsessed with. We're hugely grateful to her for contributing and we hope we can make her a regular fixture on YIGtBAT. Tell us what you think by leaving a comment on this post or emailing us!