This is the greatest YouTube video ever made of three grammas watching KiKi's sex tape. That's not just me saying that, either. That's a fucking fact. My gramma is not in this video. She's way too classy for this kind of shit. No, I'm joking. She's dead. Otherwise, she'd have been there. Enjoy!

Posted by Havilah

I just discovered this site, But You're Like Really Pretty, and I'm kind of obsessed with it. They have a hatred for KiKi and a love for Jon Hamm which is ludicrous, unjustified, misguided and out and out wrong, but otherwise I'm seriously into their shit. Basically they make pretty fantastic comics using images of celebrities and other pop-culturally significant types (IE: Abbey Lee Miller, awesome). They run heavy on quotes from "Mean Girls" which is one of my all time favorite movies as far as awesome displays of bitchery go, so I fully salute them for that shit. That movie can never be appreciated and/or quoted enough for my taste.

Posted by Havilah

If you follow celebrity gossip (and you fucking know you do, don't lie), you know that Jon Hamm and Kim Kardashian have been in a bit of a word battle (via Twitter and interviews, natch) and, believe it or not, Kim has come out actually looking like the smarter and all around better person (and I'm not just saying that because of my personal love for her). I take pretty massive issue with actors (fucking actors) who feel the need to make negative, disparaging and disgusting statements about reality TV stars (since when is it cool to call someone "a fucking idiot"? Unless you're me, of course). Here's why: what the fuck do these actors think they're doing that makes them so much fucking better than KiKi (that's what Mason and I call Kim K.)? They fucking play pretend and some of them (the ones you hear about) get grossly overpaid for it. Do they really fucking believe that KiKi just fucks around all day doing "stupid" shit and getting her nails done and is able to maintain what's quickly becoming a fucking empire? Um, I doubt it, bitches. And is what these actors do really so fucking beneficial to society? My main point is that fucking actors have egos the size of the fucking universe and it makes me want to do violence against them when they A) consider themselves in a position to talk shit about pretty much anyone (again, my job) and B) think so highly of what they do (again, they play fucking pretend) that they never stop to think, "Oh yeah, I guess I'm pretty much not doing anything real and/or impactful and it's pretty badass that I'm getting paid to do it. I should be cool with that and be nice to my peers." Yes, KiKi is your peer, Jon Hamm, fucking deal with that.

And that is a really long winded introduction to this video which made me cry. You may already know (if you are a regular Reader, you do) that I am obsessed with Hillary Clinton (as well as KiKi - the irony, I know). This video of Meryl Streep introducing Hillary at the Women In The World Conference is pretty fucking stunning. I don't want to name any favorite parts, because I kind of love it all equally. But I do particularly dig the fact that Meryl humbly recognizes that she is an actor and Hillary is "the real deal". This is exactly what I'm talking about! Meryl is awesome. I salute her (and KiKi).

Posted by Havilah

Former Olympian, plastic surgery junky and all around awesome guy Bruce Jenner married manager/mom hotty Kris née Houghton; formerly Kardashian in 1991. That marked the beginning of their long and winding journey to today. The day of days. The day when they become - THE DAILY DUO!

Kris carried four kids into the marriage, as did Bruce, and the couple had two daughters together. Some of their kids are famous. Some are less so. Some are not at all.

Basically, I just like them as a couple. And so it is.

Editor's note: Kris did take Bruce's last name when they got married 21 fucking years ago. Her name has been Kris Jenner for 21 YEARS!!! STOP CALLING HER KRIS KARDASHIAN!

Carry on.

Posted by Havilah

This just in!  Several publications are suddenly covering the story that people in China are working under harsh conditions.  The Huffington Post (among others) is even listing it as "Breaking News".  Um, you guys?  I don't know fuck all about world politics or the alleged "economy" but...that's kind of old news.  I'm glad, I guess, that people are suddenly deciding to once again talk about it (for whatever it's worth), but...for my money?  Breaking News, it is not.  Everyone's covering it as though Apple is the devil behind it all.  Which, of course, isn't true.  They are one among fucking MANY American companies running roughshod all over what American's consider humane working conditions in order to get their shit made fast and cheap.  Alas, the giants are always the easiest targets, though.  Which is why they tried to bring down the Kardashians with this bullshit, but failed!  Mwaaahahahahah!  You couldn't bring down THAT giant assER-I-MEAN company, now could you?  NOW COULD YOUUUU?!?!

Posted by Havilah

In a truly sad-and-pouty-kid-who-gets-picked-on move, Daniel Craig lashed out at the Kardashians using fodder from his Cannon of Things That Don't Make Much Sense But Make Me Sound Smug Slash Better Than You.  In an interview with GQ, this fool said, in reference to the Kardashians, "It is a career; I'm not being cynical. And why wouldn't you? Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. Millions! I don't think they were that badly off to begin with, but now look at them. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a f*cking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?"  Nice talk, you filthy, limey (shut up, I love British people, just not this one), angry little man.  And by the way, yes, duh, that's exactly what we think.  What's so wrong with that?  What do you do that's so special you should make millions doing it?  Hm?  What's that?  Oh, you're an actor?  Case.  Fucking.  Closed.  Mr. Grumpy Shorts then said, and this is where it gets good (stupid), "You can't buy your privacy back. 'Ooh, I want to be alone.'  F*ck you. We've been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta, and now you want some privacy?"  Well, I would love for Dan Dan the Pissed Off Man to show me when and where the Kardashians ever asked for privacy.  You're making shit up at this point, Bond, James Bond.  You're just chucking bullshit around and hoping someone'll eat it 'cause you're so fancy-looking.  Nobody wants it.  Shaken or stirred.

In more important news, YES!  Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant! 

Posted by Havilah

I choose to adore Kim Kardashian as opposed to tearing her apart (in a very fucking rare turn of events, I take the road less mean), I therefore choose to completely believe Us Weekly when they tell us, their captive audience, that Kris Humphries was "the husband from hell".  I also choose to write about it.  Again.

So what I heard from someone who heard it from a very fucking reliable source who heard it from someone who was there is that Kris is basically a giant meany pants and treated Kim as such.  He called her "stupid" in front of people, told her she was a talentless famewhore whose fame wasn't long for this world.  Watch the show and you too can see him being a bitter bottom and telling Kim that after she has babies no one will care about her.  Who can forget the romantic pre-wedding moment when Kris whispered these sweet nothings to Kim, "Four years ago you were selling clothes at a boutique in the Valley and now you think you're Miss Princess?"  What a mench.  Oh, and he also called her a fat ass.  So, basically, Kim married most of my friends and everyone else who likes to aim at an easy target (shut up, I am not referring to her ass, you are so awful, Readers!).

Well, guess what, Kris.  Her fat ass who used to sell clothes in the Valley isn't so stupid after all, eh?  'Cause I'm pretty sure you won't be seeing a ma-fuckin' dime of her gozillion dollar fortune, which she built from the bottom up (I had to!  It was right there). 

Posted by Havilah

So this bitch, Cyndy Snider, has decided to take everything that is good and wholesome in the world (the Kardashians, obviously) and piss all over it (with a golden stream of 56,000 signatures).  Cyndy, who misspells her own name, has collected over 56K signatures for a petition to E! to remove all Kardashian shows from their network.

Well who died and made you the fucking Grinch, Cyndy?!  Just because you don't get it doesn't mean you have to ruin a perfectly good time for the rest of us.

Cyndy has this to say about her crusade to destroy happiness, "It is a sad truth that many young people are looking up to this family and are modeling their appearance and behavior after them. I'll remind you here that the Kardashian family fame largely started with a 'leaked' sex tape."

Needn't remind me, Cyndy.  I am well aware of that fact, which makes me love these bitches all the more.  Kim made a sex tape.  It was "leaked".  Kim and all her family are now multigozillionaires.  Perhaps instead of occupying Wall Street and starting stupid petitions to TV stations, we should all be making sex tapes and stimulation our economies!  Kim did what was right for America.  What have you done for us lately, Cyndy?  Beside getting signatures that amount to less than a fraction of the number of people who watch these Kardashian hookers work the stroll every week.  I bet you haven't even seen the tape, Cyndy.  You giant prude.  I hate you.

CALL TO ACTION: Readers, someone among you needs to start a 10million Strong for Publicly Bitch Slapping Cyndy Facebook campaign.  K?

Posted by Havilah

Waaah waaaaah.  Mark this as the first day of the rest of your life, dear reader, because today is the day Kim Kardashian said "Fuck you (for now)," to marriage.  It's true, y'all.  Kim Kardashian and That Guy She Married are getting unmarried.  Kim tells E!, "After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage.  I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."

I would say it's a sad day for love and relationships, however!  However.  I have a strong sense we haven't seen the last of this bitch's lust for love.  I predict Kim will go on to a life full of love, happiness and many, many marriages.  Or at least that's what I'm hoping for.

We salute you for keeping shit interesting, Kim.  Something a bit more scandalous would've been appreciated, but you've got your whole life ahead of you for coming up with bigger and better ways to get de-married.  And I, for one, look quite forward to seeing that shit unfold.

Posted by Havilah