 I think it's important to recognize, Readers, that not all moments in a blossoming fuck-buddyship should be all romance and rosè. Sometimes it's nice to whisper sweet whatevers into each other's sex parts, but other times it's nice to just curse at each other and leave bite marks. (!! A POEM!)
I was reminded of this last week when, at the end of a date, I coyly leaned in to my "friend" and sighed, "I really like you," and he responded by looking down my shirt and saying (mimicking my tone), "Titties!"
For a moment I thought I should be offended, then I remembered what my mama used to say, "You can lead a horse to water but a lot of dudes can get super distracted by tits." And so it is.
Posted by Havilah
 Maybe I'm just bitter because I've been single for like my whole life. Maybe. Or maybe I'm a lady with a sense of occasion who knows how shit should go down and how it should absolutely never - under any circumstances - go down.
Here (below) we have a marriage proposal set-up for a local Huntsville, AL news anchor. She's reading a prompter telling her there is "breaking news" and you can guess the rest. Sounds super romantic. It isn't. It's so awkward and uncomfortable I want to cringe and die and then come back to life and slap this man for not thinking this through more thoroughly.
I'm sure this would all be very sweet seeming (to them) if they'd done it alone. And they'd tell the story and everyone would be all, "Aaaaawwww" and whatever. But now that'll never happen, because we all saw it and it was total shit.
If you insist on a public proposal (which, I'm not at all opposed to), you must remember you are, essentially, producing a bit of theater. Think that shit through!!! The quelle surprise moment is not the only thing you have to plan here! Your audience deserves more than a bang-up intro followed by a mediocre show and a fizzle of an ending (that sentence, by the way, can double as my review for Julie Taymor's The Lion King). Moreover, what does this say as far as a foreshadowing of your life together?!?! Not to mention you're clearly terrible at sexing.
So. No pressure, you guys. But don't fuck this shit up by going all gung-fucking-ho on a proposal surprise then muttering out a few cliches about waking up ever day together followed by weight-shifting-stand-aroundery where we're all expecting you (and, frankly, her) to say, "Dear God, IS IT OVER??" You need to propose the house down! Or just do it privately so you can both tell everyone it was the most sweepingly romantic thing the universe has ever witnessed and we'll all believe you because what the fuck do we know?
Posted by Havilah
 Went on a date with this guy who's conveniently located, age appropriate, unattached, not a lunatic, good looking, has his shit together and dresses like a J. Crew catalog. All was going well. We were chatting about all kinds of nothingness and laughing and there were knees being touched, etc.Long story short:He got the hiccups and sounded spot-on, EXACTLY like Michael Jackson (think the first verse of "Man In The Mirror" for example). And that was it for me. Sometimes deal breakers can creep up on you in the strangest of ways.So, adding this to the list of deal breakers:If you remind me of the late, great King of Pop in pretty much any way - that's a deal breaker.Weird. True.
Posted by Havilah
 Hey, guhr.
Did that one guy who's whatever just say something that hurt your feelings?
I know, baby. It hurts doesn't it. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry it happened.
Here. I got you this.
You're a fucking badass betch.
I adore you.
Now get over it, hunty. That body is way too bangin' to be walking around in a burlap sad-sack.
You're welcome.
Posted by Havilah
 Met a dude at a bar. Worst beginning to a story.But anyway, I met a dude at a bar. He's from The Far Rockaways (if you're not from NYC, just let the name speak for itself...it has the word "Far" built into it), so already this isn't going to work. But whatever, I'm desperate, right? So we go out and it's like, whatever, it's fine. I'm not swooning, but I'm also not composing a scathing blog post in my head the whole time. Like it was just okay. He's getting a second date (give me a break, Readers, I've been single for 3 fucking years). So I get some texts over the next few days and we make plans to see each other and I'm kind of "meh" about it, but I wouldn't mind a tongue in my mouth and he's not totally hideous, so I'm on board. Mind, Readers, at this point, we have been on one date, on which there was no kissing (or anything else of that nature). A couple days before our date, I'm minding my bits-ness and "tweet" goes my phone and I see it's a text from him and I'm not fluttery about it (which is a clear sign I really am not into this dude, but whatever...I'm laser focused on getting a tongue in my mouth). Slide to view text. BAM! It is a full-on "Guys With iPhones" photo of him. Sans a shirt, sans a six pack and apparently sans Windex (ew). WHAT. THE. FUCK?? You guys, specifically straight guys, you might love getting nekkid photos of ladies sent to your phone after one date. Hear me when I tell you: this is totally a men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus situation. Straight girls are, for the most part, not into that shit. Particularly if A) you haven't even so much as kissed them yet and B) you ain't got the goods for that kind of bragadouchery. In shock, I reply, "WTF?!" and receive a smiley face emoticon. End of exchange.BUT THAT'S NOT THE END, READERS!!!!This mother fucker has the balls (and I should know!) to send me ANOTHER photo the next day and this time: FULL. ON. COCK.I.FUCKING.DIED.So that's the beginning, middle and end of that relationship. Straight men, take note. Don't fucking do that. No one wants to get that shit on their phone in the middle of the deep blue goddamn workday. Dating is hard, you guys.
Posted by Havilah
 All of us love to keep our little list of deal breakers when we're single and mingling. Things like, men who wear floor length fur, girls who smoke, anyone who doesn't know the earth revolves around the sun and not vice versa. Things like that.
Well here are a few things to add to the list:
A tattoo of Florida = deal breaker. I don't care what your relationship to Florida is. I don't care if you were born and abandoned at a truckstop in Florida and later found and adopted by the Floridians who would become your amazing parents and/or benefactors. I do not care. I'm the one who has to look at that shit. Deal breaker.
Bringing up the possibility you might be related within the first several minutes after meeting = deal breaker. That shit ain't cute. And it's an idea that can't be unheard. Once that's on my mind, it's going nowhere. We're cousins and this is gross.
Men with cats - bordering on deal breaker. Cats are gross. Stop it, yes they are. They don't potty outside, they potty in your home. And not in a toilet. In a box that smells like amonia. They shed on everything (including my Chanel blazer...ugh). They are nocturnal. THEY ARE NOCTURNAL! Ain't no bitch alive wants to sleep over with you while your fucking cat bolts around the apartment and kneeds your head. Cats don't love you back. They just use you for food and a warm place to stay. They make you their bitch. No woman wants to get involved with someone who's already allowed himself to be made the bitch of a fucking feline. Also, imagine the horror of doing sex to each other and the cat is either watching or attempting to participate. No ::shudder:: cats are deal breakers. GROSS.
Posted by Havilah
 First of all, Dear Readers, thank you for the standing ovation. I am happy to be back. Please be seated.
I'll wait.
Now to the point:
Dudes, if you're into a bitch, you need to woo that bitch. We live in the year two thousand and thirteen, yes. And women have the vote, yes. And gays are getting divorced and the President is mostly black. But some things do not change, Readers! A bitch needs WOOED!
I am not down with this new thing of being "cool" about shit like this. Be a man! If you're into someone - and I don't care if your married for 77 years or just met at an opium den last night (fucking weirdo) - you need to send some fucking flowers. Or a note. Or a text that says something stupid and genuine. Take that bitch out on a goddamn date. WHAT HAPPENED TO DATES?!?! Like, "Hi, we met an an opium den and did sex to each other an hour later. Okaybye." NO! Take that bitch on a mother fucking date you worthless slore! Leave a damn note in her handbag that says, "I think you're great", (but not money, because that's for hookers and sends the REALLY wrong message).
Point being, stop trying to be cool by being aloof and detached. Be cool by being confident and a little bit forward and doing things that make the object of your affection feel like the fucking object of your affection. Otherwise, I'm assuming you're not into me. As for me, there is no faster or easier way to make me hit the road in a fast car than to make me think you're not into me.
Send flowers, guys. Send a note. It's only right.
Don't be a fucking asshole.
Posted by Havilah
 Dear Readers, are you looking to find love? Are you considering doing it online? Are you thinking Match.com might be a good place to try? THINK AGAIN! Okay to finding love and doing it online. But nay, I say nay to Match.com. I didn't like Match almost immediately. It's too expensive, misleading, boring, too expensive, a pain to shut down and too expensive. However, I didn't hate it enough to completely rule them out for those of you who want to give it a go. That all changed this week. Match has started sending me emails - constant, unending, pointless, annoying emails - all day everyday. I have "unsubscribed" from these emails (3 days ago) but continue receiving them. They claim it takes up to 7 days to stop the emails after unsubscribing. Why? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. When I unsubscribe from massive, government run email lists the change happens immediately. When I unsubscribe from small, non-profit lists the change happens immediately. When I unsubscribed from fucking Kanye West's list the fucking change happened immediately! Come on, Match! And thus, Match has been relegated to the " Tried and FAIL! Do not recommend" section of our online dating sites list. I may try finding the email address for their leader and sending him/her (but you know it's a man) countless emails every day about how awesome my blog is and he should for sure read it. Match.com is the worst. We hate them. Print up the t-shirts.
Posted by Havilah
 As you know, Dear Dedicated Readers, while I have turned my back on online dating, I continue to keep my accounts active for you, only for you. Well, I got an attractive email a few weeks ago and decided to give it a shot.
We met for drinks and had a nice enough time. By "nice enough", I mean I agreed to see him again even though there were no sparks. We met again and had another lovely date (still no sparks) until he exposed himself to me. No, he didn't show me his penis. He showed me his insecurities, possible homophobia and made me question whether he actually does have a penis to expose.
Because you are completely obsessed with my blog and everything I say is burned onto your subconscious mind like a brand, you already know I like to call people (men and women) "gurl" or "bitch". It's a thing. It's just how I talk. I like it. So, when he told me some story about how he doesn't floss (READERS, YOU SHOULD FLOSS AT LEAST ONCE A DAY!) I replied with, "Girl, you should floss!" He responded with, "I'm a man and don't ever call me that again." Which could have been funny if he wasn't aggressively serious about it. Thus ended what could've been a perfectly nice non-relationship.
Guys, I have to be able to call you "girl". If you're not okay with that - dealbreaker.
Posted by Havilah
 After recently receiving an informative and eye-opening email from This Fucking Guy on OKCupid, I have come to realize that there are actually a lot of guys on there who have interesting ideas about how to get a date. Specifically, they imagine themselves in a position to be super fucking picky about from whom they’ll be accepting communications on their fucking ONLINE DATING PROFILE. These guys make lists of requirements potential date candidates must fulfill in order to send them a message. Here are some of my personal favorites from one fella: “If your favourite music sounds like a man who caught his arm in a closing and re-closing elevator door (R&B) you're probably not my kind of girl.”– What about Little Richard? “If you drink bottled water every day you should try to spell EVIAN backwards.”– N-A-I-V-E…Oh shit, well would ya’ look at that! “If you watch more than one reality TV shows a week you probably need better taste and a life.” – Oh, I do. I do all of those things. But am I your kind of girl? “If you have architectural drawings of a hollowed out volcano…you’re probably not my kind of Girl.”– Wait, what? “Architectural drawings of a hollowed out volcano”??? Is that a thing?!?! I want!!! Seriously. Who in the fuck do these guys think they are? Have they noticed that they’re on an online dating site to find women? Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I’m just saying, let’s just try to fucking manage our expectations, yeah? Posted by Havilah
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