Our Lady of Everything, Hillary Rodham Clinton, made her "No I Won't 2016" campaign slogan official today when she told an Indian town hall meeting she would not be running for president in 2016. Or ever.

Men and women dropped to their needs pleading for a change of heart, the elderly were seen beating their chests and pulling their hair, children were weeping in the streets crying out, "It can't be true!"

No, none of that happened, but it should have!

Hillary said, "I feel like it’s time for me to step off the high wire. I’ve been involved at the highest level of American politics for 20 years now. I’d like to come back to India and just wander around without having the streets be closed and a lot of security around." I think it's cute that Hillary thinks that's how her life will be when she leaves politics. Dream the impossible dream, Hillary. Dream the shit out of it.

Just so I'm on record, I want you to be my president. That's my impossible dream, Hillary. Maybe someday I'll stop dreaming it. But today is not that day.

Posted by Havilah

I was going to write about how Popchips asked Ashton Kutcher to be their mouthpiece for racism and he accepted whole heartedly, but Popchips has since issued an apology and I have accepted it so I won't write about that.

Instead, let's delve into the mind of a total fucklord. Rev. Sean Harris, senior pastor at Berean Baptist Church in Fayetteville, North Carolina, delivered a no doubt rousing sermon last Sunday when he told his little sheep  to punch their kids if they start acting all gayish. Truth.

Sticking with his theme of North Carolina's proposed Amendment 1 (what gay doesn't love a theme?), this "man of god" told the diddies in his congregation they should "crack that wrist" if they see their sons "dropping the limp wrist." He said, "Man up. Give them a good punch. (Tell them), 'You're not going to act like that'." If your baby gay is acting all drag queeny, Rev. Harris says you need to be "squashing that like a cockroach". He's no sexist, though. He also takes issue with girls "acting too butch." According to the Rev., girls should "smell like a girl...be beautiful, be attractive and dress yourself up." Well!

The Rev. says he was just doing what Jesus would do by being all hyperbolic and shit and that if he had to do it again he'd use different words (to make the same point). "The Bible makes no compromise on effeminate behavior," he said. "God created you a male, God created you a female. If you were created a male, you are to act like a man." Here's what, though. The Bible actually does make some compromises on effeminate behavior, y'all! Maia, a member of our staff and also (weirdly) a Bible scholar (truth) tells us that while the Bible is pretty clear on gender roles, some of it's key characters indulge in a little gender-fuck on more than one occasion. Paul refers to himself as a mother, as nursing people and as having given birth (among other things) and Jesus (THE Jesus) even has boobies in Revelations! God, I love the Bible.

Dear Readers, please weigh in! What do girls smell like, exactly?

Also: North Carolina Readers, the vote on Amendment One will be next Tuesday. Educate thyself. Cock erimeanrock the vote!

Posted by Havilah with help from Maia

No, I'm kidding. Jesus is dead. As is Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. And contrary to reports that would have you believe otherwise, TLC will not be pulling a Dr. Dre with their most awesome and most dead member, Left Eye. The remaining members of the group, T-Boz and Chilli, will be doing a tour. The tour will include (as their previous shows have) past footage and vocals by Left Eye. The performance, however, should not be compared to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg's (mis)use of Tupac's image in a way meant to make him "come to life" on the stage. The images have been and will continue to be simply projected on a large screen in a pretty cool and tasteful manner. TLC, like the rest of the world, must have come to the conclusion that animating dead people's images and making them prance onstage and perform "with" you is fucking creepy, disrespectful and gross. So they're not doing it.  The real shocking news here is that TMZ reported misleading information and lied about their source and a bunch of people took that story and ran with it. Oh wait...

Posted by Havilah

Remember a couple years ago when Mad Mel Gibson went mad and we got to hear new, fresh, brilliant material from him on a daily basis for like a week? And then his friends like Jodie Foster said things like, "He's so incredibly loving and sensitive," and we were all, "Oh, maybe we're only hearing one, totally crazy side of the story."

Well, obviously Jodie was being held at gunpoint while Mel screamed in her ear that if she didn't say nice shit he was going to bury her in the fucking rose garden, because after the latest Mel rant it's pretty clear this bitch is out of his fucking mind and should not be trusted among the public. Or at all. Ever.

I never have and probably (god willing) never will meet Mel Gibson and yet I'm completely terrified of him

Posted by Havilah

Yes, Dear Readers, you read that right - people DIED on the Titanic.

This just in: a pair of boots, possibly human, were found laying side by side in the mud of the Titanic's wreckage, suggesting that, yes, people may have in fact died there. Whether or not there is any actual DNA evidence of human remains in or around the boots and coat is yet to be confirmed. But archaeologists feel confident the boots and coat are human and that not only did people drown on the Titanic, but some of them may have been wearing boots. More details on this breaking story as it unfolds.

Posted by Havilah

Yes, Dear Readers, you read that headline right. Tupac Shakur and Nate Dogg, both deceased, are apparently going to make an appearance with former Death Row collaborators Snoop and Dre at this year's Coachella (or as I like to call it, "That Music Festival Where Celebrities Congregate En Mass Wearing Their Most Of-The-People Looking Outfits").

Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre plan to use holographic technology (with the help of Musion) to reanimate these otherwise totally dead performers as part of their show which promises to be packed with tons of guests (including both dead and not-at-all-dead rap artists) like Eminem and Wiz Khalifa.

So far no one is commenting on whether Whitney Houston will make an appearance. Since there are usually a lot of drugs at the festival, she'll probably politely decline. She tries not to put herself into situations like that. You know. Ever since "the incident".

UPDATE: Here's the video. So. Fucking. Creepy.

Posted by Havilah

In scouring the internet for some news items (I didn't find any, but it doesn't fucking matter) I went to one of my usual spots to steal from, Gawker. They don't have anything I feel compelled to blog about today by way of actual news but here's what, Readers: Their commenters are fucking serious about their shit. I mean, have you read them?! Like, that "viral" video (which really just means a video that was well-branded, marketed and whored out inclusive of blow jobs and or monetary gifts) with the guy pretending to be famous, Gawker's headline is, Pranksters Prank Nobodies Into Believing Some Nobody Is Somebody and the article is in line with that same sense of humor. However, their readers are apparently not laughing. Like, ever. Their comments include things like, "...meeting someone famous just so you can say you met someone famous is unforgivably mundane," really?! I mean, unforgivably so?!?!?!? "It's such a limp, trite social criticism," you lost me at limp. "...we literally evolved to act in concert with people in a knee-jerk way because we are a social species," fuck, really? Evolution and shit? Damn, girl. "...if your entire rhino pack started heading for the hills, you might be well-served to join them, even if you didn't understand why?" bitch, who you calling a rhino?! (But really, Readers, no one in any of the comments ever mentioned rhinos). "I'm not defending credulity, rather proportionality," I think I just got an internet BS in Commentary from reading that.

The point is why in the fuck are you all so damn lazy?!?!??! My posts get like one comment a month and it's usually my mom saying she's proud of me (she thinks since I write about famous people I probably know them). Come on!

Posted by Havilah

Full disclosure: When I was 9 years old I saw my very first Wynonna Judd concert and my cousin and I spent the next 16 years of our lives following Wynonna, Naomi and Ashley around whenever I possibly could (yes, it was creepy, but I accept that about myself...I was in love). I turned in my Judd Head Belt around the time I graduated college (and became frustrated that Wynonna wasn't using her talent in what I considered the best way possible...bitch can fucking sang, Readers, but most of you have probably not heard her for years - and that ain't right) but that doesn't mean I didn't for sure accost Naomi in a restaurant just last month and stood on line to see Wynonna at a book signing last year just so I could touch her soft hands and tell her how much I love her.

With that knowledge about me, you are presented by me with the now WORLD FAMOUS response from Ashley Judd to all her haters, et al. I'm posting it here, in its entirety (instead of as a link), because many of the comments at The Daily Beast are fucking disheartening and written by leotards. Since you never post comments on my blogs (WHYYYY?!?!?!), her words are safer here and you can, therefore, read them without getting sucker punched in your puffy face directly afterward (it's a little puffy, Reader. NOT THAT IT MATTERS, but it is a little bit. Just, next time you're examining all your faults in the mirror, I"m just saying, maybe take a second look at the puffiness factor. That's all. DOESN'T MATTER, just saying).

Ashley's sentiment receives an A++ from YIGtBAT (congratulations, Ashley, and you're welcome). Yes, I may find the writing a tiddly-bit overwrought and I can't cosign all of her sub-points, but the overall idea is one I'm 100% behind. Women take a lot of shit - from men and from women. Ease the fuck off. We're so fucking hard on each other. All of us. And most of us are hard enough on ourselves, we really don't need anyone else's help.

Ease. The fuck. Off.

In all it's glory (after the jump, click "Read More" below):