Well, Readers, as it turns out, that pot you smoked last night (this morning? currently?) actually could turn you into a naked, face-eating, nightmare zombie from hell. Fuck. Not good news for you (or any of us, let's just be honest).

They did the toxicology report - which, considering I can test my blood-alcohol, blood pressure, heart rate and level of desire for Starbucks in literally the blink of an eye using my phone while walking down Fifth Avenue, took an absurdly long time - on Rudy "Miami Zombie" Eugene (now deceased...or so we think). Despite the Miami Police swiftly, unapologetically and unquestioningly blaming bath salts for the entire grizzly scene, Rudy was high on nothing but life, face and weed. Not new, trendy weed. Just regular weed. And that is all.

The next time you get stoned and start feeling a wave of the munchies coming on, just remember this cautionary tale and get some Cheetos stat, before it's too late for the hobo who hangs out on your stoop.

I feel like there was some kind of injustice done here to the reputation of bath salts. I know a really good civil rights attorney - Joshua Brewster, Esquire - I'm gonna ask him what the implications of this are for the Miami Police Department. I mean, they made some pretty bold accusations that turned out to be completely unfounded! LIBEL! Maybe bath salts aren't so bad! Maybe at the end of the day bath salts are just a drug, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Posted by Havilah

The news today (and the past few days) is like...insanely scary and upsetting. Like I've actually sat on my couch and honestly considered the questions,"Am I prepared for the zombie apocalypse? Do I have what it takes to fight and/or befriend vampires? Am I emotionally ready for a Bravo reality show featuring actual human monsters trying to live a normal life and the merry mixups that ensue?" In light of this, I have been scouring the newspapers (the internet) in search of any story, any story at all that seems even remotely happy. Here's what I found (and wait for it, it's not entirely happy) --

After what seems like a decade (since January 2011) Utah County, Utah has finally dropped their investigation against Kody Brown and his four wives. The polygamists are officially no longer being investigated for being polygamists (though, let the record show, they are still polygamists). As you know, because you are an avid follower of TLC's Sister Wives, Kody, his four wives and their 16 children (16?! Yes, 16) all moved to Las Vegas last season when their beloved home of Lehi, Utah launched a bigamy investigation against them. The Browns countered with a law suit against the county claiming Utah's bigamy statute violated their constitutional rights to due process, equal protection, free exercise of religion, free speech and freedom of association. Utah is now kinda like "meh" about their whole bigamy law and is saying, basically, "As long as no one's getting hurt, we're cool with it. Would you please stop suing us now?"

Happy news for the Browns. But bittersweet news for the rest of us. I'm glad for them, I guess. But this clearly means we won't be getting the courtroom drama on Sister Wives that we were expecting. I kind of felt like I was owed that since it's the only reason I was watching. That show is, let's just admit it, so fucking boring I'd rather watch a financial news ticker for an hour once a week. This just put the nail in the coffin of Sister Wives. Sorry. But watch. It's true.

Posted by Havilah

I don't read the news (unless it's about gays) and I abstain from political fuckery (unless it's about gays), but when this came across my desk (couch) today from a loyal Reader I couldn't resist educating myself (and you) on a little bit of what's happenin' in New York Guv.Apparently our beloved Mayor Bloomberg ("Bloomies") has proposed a ban on sugary sodas in any size larger than 16 oz. being sold anywhere in NYC other than the supermarkets or convenience stores (keeping the Big Gulp safe, phew). The ban does not include diet sodas (because they have the word "diet" in them), fruit juices (because they have the word "fruit" in them), dairy-based drinks like milkshakes (because they have the word "milk" in them), or alcoholic beverages (because they are awesome).

It all seems a bit Communist-China to me. What say you, Readers?

Posted by Havilah

I know, Readers, you've missed me. Sometimes I take these sabbaticals (Vicodin binges) and only something jaw-droppingly awesome can yank me back to my duties here at YIGtBAT. This morning I was trolling the internet for just such a story and WHAM! Here it is. And yes, my jaw literally dropped when I read it.

Yesterday morning Kathie Lee Gifford - known for her journalistic integrity, abrasive demeanor and morning drunkenness (hint: one of those things is not a truth) - interviewed Martin Short and made a giant fucking asshole of herself. For clarity, she made MORE of a giant fucking asshole of herself than she usually does. As though they were the best of friends and spent weekends weekending together, Kathie started asking Martin about his wife (because "he has one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business") - things like, "How many years now for you guys?" and "But you're still, like, in love?" and "You make each other laugh, right?" among other things. Which seems sweet enough, right, for a drunk who's drunk? Right. Well, here's what: Martin's wife died 2 years ago of ovarian cancer. So. There's that to consider. And WHAM! I'm back on the job!

Posted by Havilah

Josef Miles - student, badass and short lister for coolest kid of 2012 - stumbled upon the dark cloud of hate that is the Westboro Baptist Church last Saturday. Naturally, predictably and uncreatively they were holding their yawn-worthy "God Hates Gays" type signs. Josef asked his mama if he could make a sign and stage a quiet protest-protest. She is an awesome mom, so she said yes. He made a sign on his notebook reading, "GOD HATES NO ONE" and proceeded to quietly and peacefully send his message to the hate group (while his mother took photos with her cell phone, natch). Of the signs I've seen in this vein (don't go there, Reader, you purve, I know which vein you're picturing and you're sick!), Josef's is my favorite. Ach, his or "God loves his silky smooth legs". It's a toss up.

Posted by Havilah

George Lucas has a fucking giant house on a fucking giant plot of land in a fucking expensive neighborhood in the Bay Area. For several years George has been working on plans to transform his land into a massive (300,000 sq. feet), state-of-the-art movie studio (complete with day care center, restaurant, gym and a 200-car garage) which would have the potential to bring in $300 million in economic activity to the area.

George lives in one of those neighborhoods where there are like rules and shit and if the neighbors don't like the statue in your front yard then they will destroy you in order to get rid of it. So when the neighborhood watch-out-for-shit-we-hate committee told George they hated the idea of a big eyesore of a movie studio in their neighborhood, he should've known it was over. It took him 25 years and lots of money, etc., but he finally threw his hands up and said, "Uncle!" to these bitches.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART! (Duh.)

Here's the best part:

In place of a movie studio in their backyard, George is going to build a low-income housing development in it. That. Is. Awesome! That's the kind of awesome that Star Wars is made of. GO GEORGE LUCAS!

His statement to the Itty-Bitty-Haters Committee finishes with, "If everyone feels that housing is less impactful on the land, then we are hoping that people who need it the most will benefit."

In your FACE, rich people! Muahahahhahaaha! George Lucas was also quoted as saying, "I AM YOUR FATHER, BITCHES!"

Posted by Havilah

The cast members of Desperate Housewives are now officially considered the cheapest bitches in television history by a bunch of fucking greedy crew members.
When a long running, successful television show ends, apparently the crew is treated to some lavish-ass gifts from the super wealthy cast members - a tradition of which I was heretofore (it's a word, use it) unaware. Friends cast members bought their crew PT Cruisers, as a point of reference. So when Desperate Housewives came to an end the crew was, naturally, expecting some diamonds or cars or yachts or something. They had not managed their expectations well. What they got was luggage. Yes, luggage. And not super high end luggage. Regular luggage. Oh, also, Terri Hatcher was notably not down with giving any gifts of any kind (you'll note her name is not on the card). So the crew is all abitch over their cheap ass gifts. What a bunch of ungrateful assholes.

Posted by Havilah

Obama (The Barackness Monster) has been, up to this point, pretty fucking wishy-washy about his "stance" (he doesn't have one) on same-sex marriage. In this photo we see The Barackness saying, "I'm a 'Christian' but I'm also a human being with a heart. But I'm also running for President. But at the same time I have to poo kind of. What to do? What. To. Do?"

Well, rumor mill has it (my friend's friend texted her and she posted it to Facebook = rumor mill) that he is going to come correct about his super-love for gays and that he feels they should be allowed to straight-up get murried. Or something like that. He's doing an interview to air on tomorrow's Good Morning, America but allegedly clips may be released sometime today.

You guys, if My-Bama comes out as a gay lover I will...what should I do? Tell me. I feel like I should make some pledge, like, "If Obama says he loves gays, I will climb Mt. Everest." Or something. What should I do?!

PS: Yes, I realize today's news isn't entirely "unrelated", but whatever, I was up until 4:30am. My life can't function properly today.

UPDATE: Oh yes he did!
"Over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors, when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or Marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that 'don't ask, don't tell' is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married."
-- Your President. (Not you, Bangladesh. I'm not looking at you.)

Posted by Havilah

The Great and Powerful Oprah is learning the hard way that sometimes shit just does not work out. By "the hard way" I mean the Oprah Winfrey Network has reportedly lost $330 million since it was launched. The network has been hemorrhaging money and mistakes since 2008. While Oprah may feel slightly embarrassed (she doesn't), she definitely isn't giving even a portion of a Louis Vuitton fuck about it really because she's not personally financially invested in her very OWN network. So for her, it's been a lovely romp through the amber ego fields and it was fun for her to watch Rosie fail. All in all, she's cool with whatever. Every day is fucking Louboutons, diamonds and chocolate cake for this bitch.

Posted by Havilah