Jodie Foster is sick and tired of being sick and tired! She is also a taaaayyyy inna weeeeeeeennn. Also, Agent Starling has had it up to her eyeballs with you vultures and your cruel, heartless treatment of her former co-star, Kristen "Slore" Stewart. In a rare turn of events, Jodie went public with her rant, via the Daily Beast (the LiveJournal for celebs). This happened a couple days ago and I have been unable to stop laughing since I first read it.

It's mostly an open letter (poem??) about Jodie Foster and how she's really fucking good at being private and being Jodie Foster. And also, she once made a movie with Kristen Stewart. And has had weird flashbacks/dreams/nightmares/visions ever since. Here's my favorite part of the whole overwrought mess:

"There’s this image I have of a perfect moment. It comes to me as a square format 8mm home movie with ’70s oversaturated reds and blues, no sound, just a scratchy loop … there’s a little white-haired girl twirling in the surf... The camera shakes a little. Perhaps her mom’s laughing behind the lens. Could a child be more loved than in this moment? She’s perfect. She is absolutely perfect."

Bad timing, Jodie. 'Cause guess what! IT'S SHARK WEEK, BITCHES!!!

Also, Jodie, ever since you stuck up for Mel Gibson - you're basically like a PR leper. No one really wants you on their side, Jodie.

Posted by Havilah

Justin fucking Bieber is a little fucking dick. While doing a phone interview for Detroit's "Mojo In The Morning" JB behaved like a child who's been told by one too many people that he's a fucking genius, the 2nd coming of Michael Jackson and that he's changing the face of everything with his unique brand of everything. Oh wait, he is a child who's been told all those things by pretty much everyone. But here's what, JB, you have a pretty singing voice, pretty hair and a pretty mouth (his mouth is really pretty, though) but you've cut no edges, son. You are not a ground breaker. You are not a unique snowflake. Your voice sounds like Justin Timberlake's and that'sa  fucking compliment you little prick. You just (barely) got your HS diploma. You're a child. Now show a little fucking respect.

I hate you. Also.

And here we witness JB make the smartest move of the day by hanging the fuck up...

Posted by Havilah

Dear Readers, I met my very first, in-person, Bravo-lebrities last week! I just got off an elevator with Ira Glass. One time I had lunch with Winona Rider, Sally Field and the entire cast of Freaks and Geeks (no, no I didn’t). The point is: I’m basically famous. My newest obsession, though, is the idea of building local celebrities. Like, I mean, you have to own a bank and shit in order to make a nobody a celeb. But I feel with the right friends and a couple well-place rumors you could really make a small-town celebrity totally from scratch.

This week I attempt to prove this by using my many and sundry connections in Indiana (I have no connections in Indiana) to put Laura Cardwell right in the fame whore seat of Kokomo, Indiana. I’m choosing Laura A) because she’s a badass, B) because everyone in that town knows her, C) she’s a badass and D) she paid me to (she didn’t pay me to). I'm kind of in love with the idea of creating local-lebrities. Like a whole sub-culture existing within each an every town across these great United States wherein there are Lebrities and their adoring fans and no one outside that town need know about it. But I don't mean, like the local radio DJ (no one fucking cares about you Allan James). I mean, like people who are just awesome so should be famous.

I think the first step should be starting like some kind of Facebook campaign, right? Like 1,000 Strong For Putting Laura Cardwell On The Front Page (remember: small town) or whatever. Next, yard signs and posters a la KONY 2012 but in a good way. T-shirts maybe. Definitely bracelets that’re like purple and say, “What Would Laura Do?” or “Live Laura” or “Whatever I Do Will Never Be As Awesome As Whatever Laura’s Doing Right Now And That Includes Sleeping”. Finally we’ll make the promotional tours of local radio stations, newspapers and other media outlets. Get a pap picture of her panties showing and we’re basically done.

Further suggestions? Please let me know. In the meantime, do your part to promote my latest endeavor – Laura Cardwell: Local-lebrity. Werq!

Posted by Havilah

I know, Readers, you've missed me. Sometimes I take these sabbaticals (Vicodin binges) and only something jaw-droppingly awesome can yank me back to my duties here at YIGtBAT. This morning I was trolling the internet for just such a story and WHAM! Here it is. And yes, my jaw literally dropped when I read it.

Yesterday morning Kathie Lee Gifford - known for her journalistic integrity, abrasive demeanor and morning drunkenness (hint: one of those things is not a truth) - interviewed Martin Short and made a giant fucking asshole of herself. For clarity, she made MORE of a giant fucking asshole of herself than she usually does. As though they were the best of friends and spent weekends weekending together, Kathie started asking Martin about his wife (because "he has one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business") - things like, "How many years now for you guys?" and "But you're still, like, in love?" and "You make each other laugh, right?" among other things. Which seems sweet enough, right, for a drunk who's drunk? Right. Well, here's what: Martin's wife died 2 years ago of ovarian cancer. So. There's that to consider. And WHAM! I'm back on the job!

Posted by Havilah

If the New York Times were a publication anyone gave a fuck about and/or if it were even remotely worthwhile, this would be it's cover story today. Since the New York Times is a waste of all our lives, just stick to using YIGtBAT as your source for stories of miracles here on Earth.

This morning I decided to make today special by imbibing in sugary sweet beverages and recreational Vicodin usage. Since making that decision the day has done nothing but get better and better. That being said, I really hope this story is not a hallucination.

The band Here We Go Magic (who I had not heard of until this morning) was driving along the interstate in their van (as bands you've never heard of are wont to do) and passed up a hitchhiker with a sign reading "End of West 70". As they passed him one guy said, "John Waters". Then the band's front man, Luke Temple, agreed saying, "Yep. Definitely John Waters." They stopped and picked him up and yes, it was John Waters. He's hitchhiking across the United States because he wants an adventure. Well, of course he does. They drove him as far as Indianapolis.

Wait.
So...
Wait, what?!?!?

John Fucking Pencil Thin Mustache Waters (that's his middle name) is just casually hitching across the country?!?!?! And this band (who sound awesome, by the way, I got some stuff on iTunes) just happened to stumble upon him?!?! And now he is (or was) just wandering west on I-70 in my homeland of Indiana?!?!? This is the kind of story I want to read about every fucking day!

Dear Readers, if you have a car and are anywhere west of Indianapolis near I-70, please - if not for yourself, for me - go and drive on I-70! Just fucking drive! Drive and hope for the miracle. The miracle that is John Fucking Waters hitchhiking. Go, Readers! While there's yet time!

Today is the best day in the news.

Posted by Havilah

George Lucas has a fucking giant house on a fucking giant plot of land in a fucking expensive neighborhood in the Bay Area. For several years George has been working on plans to transform his land into a massive (300,000 sq. feet), state-of-the-art movie studio (complete with day care center, restaurant, gym and a 200-car garage) which would have the potential to bring in $300 million in economic activity to the area.

George lives in one of those neighborhoods where there are like rules and shit and if the neighbors don't like the statue in your front yard then they will destroy you in order to get rid of it. So when the neighborhood watch-out-for-shit-we-hate committee told George they hated the idea of a big eyesore of a movie studio in their neighborhood, he should've known it was over. It took him 25 years and lots of money, etc., but he finally threw his hands up and said, "Uncle!" to these bitches.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART! (Duh.)

Here's the best part:

In place of a movie studio in their backyard, George is going to build a low-income housing development in it. That. Is. Awesome! That's the kind of awesome that Star Wars is made of. GO GEORGE LUCAS!

His statement to the Itty-Bitty-Haters Committee finishes with, "If everyone feels that housing is less impactful on the land, then we are hoping that people who need it the most will benefit."

In your FACE, rich people! Muahahahhahaaha! George Lucas was also quoted as saying, "I AM YOUR FATHER, BITCHES!"

Posted by Havilah

The cast members of Desperate Housewives are now officially considered the cheapest bitches in television history by a bunch of fucking greedy crew members.
When a long running, successful television show ends, apparently the crew is treated to some lavish-ass gifts from the super wealthy cast members - a tradition of which I was heretofore (it's a word, use it) unaware. Friends cast members bought their crew PT Cruisers, as a point of reference. So when Desperate Housewives came to an end the crew was, naturally, expecting some diamonds or cars or yachts or something. They had not managed their expectations well. What they got was luggage. Yes, luggage. And not super high end luggage. Regular luggage. Oh, also, Terri Hatcher was notably not down with giving any gifts of any kind (you'll note her name is not on the card). So the crew is all abitch over their cheap ass gifts. What a bunch of ungrateful assholes.

Posted by Havilah

The Great and Powerful Oprah is learning the hard way that sometimes shit just does not work out. By "the hard way" I mean the Oprah Winfrey Network has reportedly lost $330 million since it was launched. The network has been hemorrhaging money and mistakes since 2008. While Oprah may feel slightly embarrassed (she doesn't), she definitely isn't giving even a portion of a Louis Vuitton fuck about it really because she's not personally financially invested in her very OWN network. So for her, it's been a lovely romp through the amber ego fields and it was fun for her to watch Rosie fail. All in all, she's cool with whatever. Every day is fucking Louboutons, diamonds and chocolate cake for this bitch.

Posted by Havilah

No, I'm kidding. Jesus is dead. As is Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. And contrary to reports that would have you believe otherwise, TLC will not be pulling a Dr. Dre with their most awesome and most dead member, Left Eye. The remaining members of the group, T-Boz and Chilli, will be doing a tour. The tour will include (as their previous shows have) past footage and vocals by Left Eye. The performance, however, should not be compared to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg's (mis)use of Tupac's image in a way meant to make him "come to life" on the stage. The images have been and will continue to be simply projected on a large screen in a pretty cool and tasteful manner. TLC, like the rest of the world, must have come to the conclusion that animating dead people's images and making them prance onstage and perform "with" you is fucking creepy, disrespectful and gross. So they're not doing it.  The real shocking news here is that TMZ reported misleading information and lied about their source and a bunch of people took that story and ran with it. Oh wait...

Posted by Havilah

Remember a couple years ago when Mad Mel Gibson went mad and we got to hear new, fresh, brilliant material from him on a daily basis for like a week? And then his friends like Jodie Foster said things like, "He's so incredibly loving and sensitive," and we were all, "Oh, maybe we're only hearing one, totally crazy side of the story."

Well, obviously Jodie was being held at gunpoint while Mel screamed in her ear that if she didn't say nice shit he was going to bury her in the fucking rose garden, because after the latest Mel rant it's pretty clear this bitch is out of his fucking mind and should not be trusted among the public. Or at all. Ever.

I never have and probably (god willing) never will meet Mel Gibson and yet I'm completely terrified of him

Posted by Havilah