 As a wise person once said in a song, "Breaking up is hard to do." I think. Right? That is a song, right? Whatever, if it's not, it should be. A ballad in a minor key.
Anywhatever, breaking up sucks for about 8 million reasons and that's not including all the emotional ramifications that come from no more leg on the reg. Most of the reasons why breaking up sucks are, let's be honest, completely made-up lies we tell ourselves, one of which is this:
No one will ever love me like you did.
That's made up. That's a fear, not a reality. I know you're savvy enough to understand the difference between fear and reality, Reader, so I'll assume intelligence and shan't explain further. This is just one of a quadrillion lies of this nature we tell ourselves during/after a breakup. A quadrillion fears which are only fears and not reality.
The truth is, Reader, someone will love you like that. Someone will love you better than that. And you will love someone else. And you will find someone who's interesting and cool. You will, Reader. You won't be alone forever. Your ovaries will not implode. You will not die from suffocating inside your own sad sack. So buck up. Recognize that fear is not reality but a state of mind. Don't let it become your state of being. You're gonna make it, after all.
And anyway, no one wants to fuck a Sad Saddington from Sadville.
Posted by Havilah
 Remember that one time when you were suddenly like, "Holy shit! I don't give a shit about my ex anymore! HOLY SHIT!" And then you ran into the middle of the nearest crowded and sunshiny park, threw all your things on the ground and spun around looking up at the sky while laughing and saying, "I'M ALIVE AND I'M HAPPY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!" Remember that time? I do. I do, Readers. I was there. And I saluted you.Sadly, I'm the type who hangs on to toxic relationships long past their expiration date. Like, I'll keep that shit in my fridge for like YEARS, Readers, until it's moldy and completely unrecognizable. So, when I'm walking under the overpass on a rainy day looking for my dealer and listening to India.Arie singing "The Heart of the Matter" in my headphones and of a sudden realize I've not only forgiven the dude I used to love, I've actually moved on from forgiving him to not even really giving a shit about him - it's a big fucking moment and yes, I said "Fucking eureka!" out loud. Then I spotted my drugist and just in time to not get molested by the bum with the barrel-fire. The moral of the story is this, Readers:Shit gets better. I ain't even gotta make a video because I know you know what I mean and you'll get there, Readers. You'll fucking get there. One day, you'll realize you gave away all your fucks and it's going to feel super awesome. So awesome, in fact, you might start using words like "eureka" even though you're not fully sure what they mean, they just feel so right.
Posted by Havilah
 First, I'd like to start by saying that LinkedIn is not happening. Stop trying to make it happen, Corporate America. It's stupid. No one likes it. Same goes for you, Korean BBQ. No one really likes you! They're all just pretending. And another thing, if you don't live in the actual City of New York, then stop talking about giant sodas like you were at risk of losing them! This is not 9/11! You don't get to be part of this because you are an American and watched it on TV. This is our thing, goddamn it! This is our megalomaniac mayor! GET YOUR FUCKING OWN! Now to something entirely unrelated:Drunk dials from exes. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I'll admit, it's slightly flattering that I still pop into your mind, but outside of that slight flattery it's really just embarrassing for both of us (and your current wife/girlfriend/sometime-lover). Receiving a text saying something to the effect of, "I miss you" or "I was so wrong..." or "I still love you and I can't stand it" or fucking etcetera is not something that makes the heart pitter fucking patter when the person on the receiving end has spent weeks/months/years getting over your shitty dismissal of them and has finally moved on. So - taking a page out of Lisa Loveless's book - lose my fucking number. Please! I beg of you. And if you truly have a moment, with a sober mind, when you realize you really made a mistake by brushing me aside, then pick up the phone and call your fucking therapist 'cause I don't want to hear about your fucking bullshit regrets. And that's the truth, Ruth.
Posted by Havilah
 Dearest Readers, we've all experienced a crushing breakup. If you haven't, this blog probably isn't for you. Also, go fuck yourself. How many times have we fantasized of that shining, glorious, epic moment of reckoning when we finally face our ex, stare them right in the eyes, sit their ass down and sing "Not Big" to them in a kereoke bar?? HOW MANY TIMES, Readers!??! (I also dream of singing " Blue Sky" and having tears, but like, angry tears...rage tears). How often do we script and choreograph entire scenes wherein we play the role of Put-Together Fucking-Reasonable-Bitch and the ex plays the role of Asshole-Shitface Stupid-Talker and we meet, unexpectedly of course, in a public place (where you are with your extremely handsome gay friend who agrees to pretend you're dating for the moment because he hates that fucker as much as you do) and through a series of events (which are both unexplainable and completely sound) that end in either a glass of liquid or an open hand slap to his face, you are at long last vindicated? The hours I've spent daydreaming about what kind of havoc I would wreak on my ex's life (if only I were completely unhinged in the brain and was a borderline sociopath) are hours I'll never get back, nor would I want them back. They were hours well fucking spent. And that motherfucker deserved everything he got in the movie of my mind. Here's what:Has anyone in life ever really done this?? Readers? Have any of you ever truly fulfilled the ultimate fantasy of emoting at your ex in a way that's wildly inappropriate but also completely called for and justified? Do tell!!!
Posted by Havilah
 I broke up with my now former boyfriend almost a year and a half ago. I don't pine after him (anymore), I don't have an empty space in my heart where his love used to be (anymore), I don't cry myself to sleep at night (anymore) and I don't have trouble knowing how to deal with life each day without him (anymore). I broke up with him because it was an uhealthy relationship and I accept and appreciate it being over.
All that having been said, am I the only one who still has a desire to stalk my past loves? Is there something wrong with me that I have a curiosity about what they look like now and who they're fucking and if they're happy and especially if they're not happy? Is it a sickness that when I recently found out my ex would be in NYC on May 30th my immediate thought was, How can I sneak up on him and/or lurk nearby and observe his actions? I'm a curious gal! I want to know! I haven't lost a ton of weight since our break up and I don't have an awesome boyfriend to flaunt (unless a good looking Man Reader would like to volunteer to play that role for the night), I kinda just want to say "Hello, remember me?".
Here's what, though: While I find the idea thrilling, I also have a very real (and probably justified) fear that in doing this I may discover that he actually does have the super power of turning me into a puddle on the floor. Like, I might learn that wasn't a one time fluke.
Am I the only one who is a creepy wannabe stalker of exes? Should I go say "Hello, I'm the one from before" to him? TELL ME!
Aaaaand I'm cc'ing my fucking therapist on this one. Eesh. The things I share with you, Reader. You're basically my best friend.
Posted by Havilah
 In sad news, Chris Harrison has officially not given a rose to his wife of 19 years, meaning they are splitsville. Damn.
If you don't know who THE Chris Harrison is, why are you reading my blog? I mean, really.
But in potentially happy news, does this mean we are in for the greatest season of The Bachelor ever in the history of god and/or television??!?!? LET IT BE SO!
Could you imagine Chris being the bachelor? I'd die. I would DIE!
Posted by Havilah
 Break ups can be hard (and they can kill you slowly), but it's always a little bit easier if you have someone in the wings ready to swoop in and ease your troubled heart. Thankfully, Amanda Whittaker of Leeds had a lady in waiting when she decided to end her 10 year relationship with her drum kit. Amanda decided it was time to have that hard sit-down with her drum kit when she realized she'd fallen in love with someone else. The Statue of Liberty. Naturally. I can see that. The bitch is large and in charge (beauty), not only can she afford a prominent New York City location but it's her own fucking island (wealth), she's famous (power), she's not going anywhere (stability) and she won't tell anyone about your weird sex stuff (trust). Amanda has what people are calling objectum sexuality. She's into objects. And she's not alone.I kind of wonder - are these people ever single or just dating around? Or are they more serial monogamists?
Posted by Havilah
Sammi & Ronnie
 Congratulations are in order for Jersey Shore cast members Sammi and Ronnie. These two were sexting each other from their respective wombs but broke up just before being birthed. They got back together shortly thereafter and it was clear to anyone who saw them it was a match made in heaven. Until they broke up when Sammi found out Ronnie had been touching some other bitch's diapers. But then they got back together for the sake of their parents. Then they broke up. And so on and so on until they finally broke up for good. But not for good. 'Cause they might be gonna get back together soon. For all of this, we salute you, Sammi and Ronnie. Readers, please rise for the honorable Daily Duo!
Posted by Havilah
 My Xmas gift to my own self this year includes you, Readers. My gift is that I get to fully rage out publicly about and against all those who have scorned me. By name. Just kidding, not by name. But the rest is accurate and The Team has agreed to let me have this moment. Enjoy.
You little piece of corn stuck in a pile of shit - who in the fuck do you think you are? Fucking Obama or some shit? Fuck you. I'm Obama! Well, not really, but fuck you anyway! You know that time when I was all, "Meehhhh, I love you sooo much" and whatnot? Well guess what! I was talking to the person behind you!!! Yeah. What now? And remember how I told your mom how she raised "such a great guy"? Well, later, when you weren't in the room, I took it back and was all, "No, but he's awful! What happened?" and she goes, "I know. I don't know." and I could see the regret in her eyes. She hates you. You should know that. Oh, and when I gave you that $375 Jack Spade bag for Christmas then you gave me a vibrator and I was all, "OOh, sexy! I love it! We'll have so much fun with this...etc.", what I was saying on the inside was, "Are you fucking kidding me with this you selfish pile of mistakery??!?! I gave you a $400 bag! This was $50. I know that because I already own one which you don't know about because why in the fuck would I want to use this with you around?!?" The last time we saw each other you said, "I love you and let's please not say 'goodbye'? Let's never say 'goodbye' to each other." Yep. You guessed it. I for sure said, "Goodbye" right before we hung. HA! Ya' dig? I fucking hate you. You're the worst kind of person and I have literally, actually vomited up bile made of nothing more than my loathing of you. Will you please take me back?
I love you.
Just kidding.
Unless...
Posted by Havilah
 In very sad relationship news, the blissful coupledom of Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard ran into a mountain and blew the fuck up.
....two years ago.
::Record scratch:: Two years ago?! Yes, Readers, two years ago. And we're just now finding out. Those fucking sneaks.
As usual, the two kept their shit as private and zipped up as a priest's penis (oh, bad example) so no one knew about the split for two years. They had been sexing each other up and loving it for 30 years and they made two babies together. And my friend met them, you guys. So, this is particularly devastating for me on a personal level.
Well, I'll just say what we're all thinking (as usual) -- Thanks for ruining Christmas, Jessica and Sam. Thanks a lot.
Posted by Havilah
|
