My Xmas gift to my own self this year includes you, Readers. My gift is that I get to fully rage out publicly about and against all those who have scorned me. By name. Just kidding, not by name. But the rest is accurate and The Team has agreed to let me have this moment. Enjoy.
You little piece of corn stuck in a pile of shit - who in the fuck do you think you are? Fucking Obama or some shit? Fuck you. I'm Obama! Well, not really, but fuck you anyway! You know that time when I was all, "Meehhhh, I love you sooo much" and whatnot? Well guess what! I was talking to the person behind you!!! Yeah. What now? And remember how I told your mom how she raised "such a great guy"? Well, later, when you weren't in the room, I took it back and was all, "No, but he's awful! What happened?" and she goes, "I know. I don't know." and I could see the regret in her eyes. She hates you. You should know that. Oh, and when I gave you that $375 Jack Spade bag for Christmas then you gave me a vibrator and I was all, "OOh, sexy! I love it! We'll have so much fun with this...etc.", what I was saying on the inside was, "Are you fucking kidding me with this you selfish pile of mistakery??!?! I gave you a $400 bag! This was $50. I know that because I already own one which you don't know about because why in the fuck would I want to use this with you around?!?" The last time we saw each other you said, "I love you and let's please not say 'goodbye'? Let's never say 'goodbye' to each other." Yep. You guessed it. I for sure said, "Goodbye" right before we hung. HA! Ya' dig? I fucking hate you. You're the worst kind of person and I have literally, actually vomited up bile made of nothing more than my loathing of you. Will you please take me back?
I love you.
Posted by Havilah
Cheer! It's Here!!!
The day you've all be waiting for (shut up, you know you have - it's okay, there are no secrets here, we're all friends) has fucking finally arrived! JWoww's bikini line has, at long last, been released and it is a fucking thing to behold. Oh, and guess what! As expected, it's magical! As you'll note in the photo to my left (your left), JWoww has used her magical powers of class, elegance and sophistication to create tata covers that basically just hover over your knockers. No need for uncomfortable strings and/or straps, and say goodbye to those unsightly tan lines. All by herself, JWoww dreamed up a silicon based (wonder where she got that idea) adhesive for the "Perfect Tan Bikini
" line, so you can just stick those puppies right on your puppies and hit the shore! Treat yourselves, Readers! Work that shit out.Posted by Havilah
Constance & Travis
In honor of the Season Finale of American Horror Story
, today's Daily Duo is Constance Langdon and her boy-love, Travis Wanderley. This age-is-only-a-number couple was together for at least like 3 episodes of uncomfortable romance before Travis was landed his big role in The House as "The Boy Dahlia
". Though their relationship was full of tumult and awkwardness (Constance at least once accused Travis of having impure thoughts about her adult daughter, Addy
, who has Down's Syndrome) but the fact remains they were obviously a match made in some kind of twisted, hellish writer's imagination. Raise a glass of egg nog to the Daily Duo!Oh, and for you AHS fans, don't be looking for these two to show up next season. You may be real fucking disappointed.Posted by Havilah
In very sad relationship news, the blissful coupledom of Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard ran into a mountain and blew the fuck up.
....two years ago.
::Record scratch:: Two years ago?! Yes, Readers, two years ago. And we're just now finding out. Those fucking sneaks.
As usual, the two kept their shit as private and zipped up as a priest's penis (oh, bad example) so no one knew about the split for two years. They had been sexing each other up and loving it for 30 years and they made two babies together. And my friend met them, you guys. So, this is particularly devastating for me on a personal level.
Well, I'll just say what we're all thinking (as usual) -- Thanks for ruining Christmas, Jessica and Sam. Thanks a lot.
Posted by Havilah
Marissa & Citlalic
These bitches...Well, it's a very special time for the Navy, the Gays and Americans the world 'round (yes, Americans THE WORLD 'ROUND)
, and not just because Santa's birthday is coming up. On Monday, Marissa and Citlalic (really? Citlalic?) became the very first same-sex couple to make lip love (easy does it, readers - I'm referring to kissing with mouths) as the Naval first homecoming kiss upon docking after a mission. The couple has been making lip love (now you may go there) to each other
for 2 years. Marissa won the raffle aboard the Oak Hill which made her the lucky sealady who got the honor of the first homecoming kiss. Well, due to the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell she was able to shove her winnings right down her lovely GF's mouth-hole in front of God (the Navy) and everyone. So there, Obama! You suck!!! Oh wait...are you the one who repealed that? Ooooh. See, because my friends on Facebook all think you're worthless, so, I just figured...Ooooh. So...you're not? Oooooh. Well, anyway, but what would Rick Perry
have to say about this?
Posted by Havilah
Reasons for Murder, #168
Dear Readers, this is old news. I grant you. However, my Facebook friends have only today posted about it, so it's completely fresh to me. The fact is, it's not really "news" at all. But it seriously enraged my ass so I'm writing about it. Apparently sometime in February of this year, Rush "The Picture of Health" Limbaugh had this (among other things) to say about The First Lady of these United States:"The problem is, and dare I say this, it doesn't look like Michelle Obama follows her own nutritionary, dietary advice. ...I'm trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue or of a woman Alex Rodriguez might date every six months or what have you."
Well fuck you very much, Mr. FattyPants, for that illuminating and completely absurd observation. The models on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue are absolutely the body image we (women) should all strive towards. Same goes for the women Alex Rodriguez dates. It's completely realistic goal, Rush-hashanah, and shame on women who don't
look like this. The hypocrisy of a woman as grotesquely obese as you - I MEAN Michelle Obama
- to encourage us Americans to eat and live healthier is completely offensive. As a woman, I, for one, am grateful to have healthy, smart, well-mannered men like you who will guide me in the right direction as to what healthy looks like
. The idea Mrs. Obama touts of, "we're supposed to go out and eat nothing...we're supposed to eat roots and berries and tree bark," is clearly impossible - and that's exactly what she's asking us all to do. What a cunt. I don't feel enough pressure, as a woman, to be painfully thin to the point I disappear - so thank you, Rush Limbaugh, for giving me an image I can now strive towards
You fucking fuck. I hate you.
Posted by Havilah
Callista & Newt
In the spirit of Christmas, America, Fig Newtons and aquatic amphibians, today's Daily Duo is none other than Callista and Newt Gingrich! Yay for them. In a serious, political way.Callista is Newt's (ugh, that name!) third Head Bitch In Charge and is 23 years his junior. Newt was taken in by that come-hither gaze of Callista's in 1994 and they were married in the year 2000. Both of these lovebirds are involved (in one way or t'other) in
politics so I know for a fact their sex life is kinky as fuck. Just saying, Readers. I'm just. Saying. Please welcome in the spirit of this glorious season by breathing in the Gringrich's special Christmas message (below) to all of American everywhere.
Newt approves of Christmas. And so do I.
Posted by Havilah
Let us rejoice, Readers. 'Cause guess what. YEP! R. Kelly - the man, the machine - has apparently written 32 new chapters to our beloved "hip-hopera", "Trapped In The Closet" from 2005. Since the last episode (#22), we have all been waiting, watching and praying from inside our closets of shame for the next glorious revelations from Mr. Kelly. Well, our time could be nigh, Readers!! Does anyone have any money, though? Because he can't film that shit until he has some investors. Natch. Come on. Someone among you, my loyal and completely obsessed Readers, must be wealthy enough to fund this project. Don't wait to change the world, Readers! The world won't wait for you!
Posted by Havilah
Well, as a dating blogger (and, therefore, dating expert
) I was surprised to learn about this site from a non-professional (aka: married person). Cheek'd
is a dating site for which I sort of want to stand and slow clap. Here's how their shit is more interesting than other dating sites' shit (and interesting shit is the name of the game in the saturated world of dating sites) -- Cheek'd brings "online" dating into the offline world...and then back again. Oh yeah, they bring their shit full fucking circle, readers. Members get "decks" of cards resembling business cards. One side of the card might had a date suggestion or something interesting about yourself (for example, if it were my card, it'd say, "I'm pretty sure I'm cooler than most of the girls you've dated. Trust that shit."). The back of the card then directs the recipient to Cheek'd's website with a code that will lead them directly to the member who gave them the card. Does this make sense? I haven't blogged for weeks, readers, as I'm sure you noted, and my blogger is slightly in need of lube. Anyway, it's fucking brilliant is the point. Membership at Cheek'd is $9.95/month. You can get a "free" package (which, naturally, isn't at all free) for $5 towards the price of shipping and you only get 5 cards but you'll get one month of service with no monthly charge. Or you can join for $20 and receive 50 cards (among other things) and one month of service with no monthly charge (shipping is free with this package). Who dares me to try it? Seems awfully bold to hand out these damn things in person. Might actually involve engaging in person-to-person, human interaction. We'll see...Posted by Havilah
In the UK (the online dating crazies
of the world), the popular comedy brand Jongleurs
(responsible for launching the careers of Eddie Izzard, Harry Enfield, Al Murray, Jack Dee and Graham Norton) has teamed up with WhiteLabelDating.com
to create a dating site based on a common interest in comedy. From what I understand, Jongleurs essentially wants to get people to find a date to bring to their comedy club. Fucking smart! Why sell one ticket when you can sell two?! I can't decide if this is something I would be into. The Brits tend to want to be pretty specific with their dating sites and I just don't think I want to be that limited.
However, having a predefined common interest could cut out some of the "getting to know you" time so you can shoot straight for the guts of the conversation - "How do you feel about OWS?"What do you think, Dear Readers? Do you love or despise (and you have to choose one, no in betweening) the idea of a narrowed down/common interest style dating site like this?Posted by Havilah