Waaah waaaaah.  Mark this as the first day of the rest of your life, dear reader, because today is the day Kim Kardashian said "Fuck you (for now)," to marriage.  It's true, y'all.  Kim Kardashian and That Guy She Married are getting unmarried.  Kim tells E!, "After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage.  I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."

I would say it's a sad day for love and relationships, however!  However.  I have a strong sense we haven't seen the last of this bitch's lust for love.  I predict Kim will go on to a life full of love, happiness and many, many marriages.  Or at least that's what I'm hoping for.

We salute you for keeping shit interesting, Kim.  Something a bit more scandalous would've been appreciated, but you've got your whole life ahead of you for coming up with bigger and better ways to get de-married.  And I, for one, look quite forward to seeing that shit unfold.

Posted by Havilah

The "non-violent" protesters (a term apparently thrown around with a definition as loose as my slutty 2nd cousin, Martha) at Occupy Wall Street have been just singing "Kumbaya" and planting flowers and "non-violently" protesting...something?...for several weeks now.  There was a very unfortunate incident in Oakland, CA earlier this week where police in riot gear responded to skirmishes by throwing tear gas canisters, bean bags, etc. into the crowd and critically injuring one young man.  Well, the NYPD's Sergeants' Union says they'll sue your ass if you start shit with them.  The protesters - who have never hurled any insults, made any threats, instigated any bullshit/unnecessary run-ins with law enforcement - just stood there blinking back tears when they said that.  "Why'd you want to do such a thing to little ol' us?"  In many ways, these protesters remind me of Gahndi, MLKJ, and Rosa Parks (hold on, my tongue is stuck in my cheek).  So, I say shame on the NYPD for taking any kind of stand for their own safety here.  Shame.
Posted by Havilah

It is my great honor and privilege to announce today's Daily Duo is none other than the most American of all couples and also the most badass.  She is the Madame President of my world, she's forgotten more about everything than anyone else in the world has ever known, and she's married to the most bizarrely-sexy former Leader of the Free World - Hillary Rodham and Bill Clinton are today's Daily Duo, readers!  Go ahead and cheer.  I'll wait.

These two lovebirds were married on October 11, 1975 in Arkansas (where Hillary moved to be with her cheatin'-ass beau).  They had their one and only daughter, Chelsea, in 1980.  She would grow into the most unfortunate-looking adolescent ever to grace The World's Stage (but later a super-smart, successful and gorgeous woman who's wedding was more talked about [in the US] than that of the Royals).  Billary's relationship faced the chopping block in 1998 when Bill dared to throw shade and disrespect to the Leader of the Everything (Hillary) by doing nasty things with an intern and a cigar.  But Hillary stared adversity in the face and said, "You shall not pass!!!!"

Hillary has been, among other things, the First Lady of Arkansas, the First Lady of The United States and the First Lady of My Life.  Bill has been along for that ride and has been a very debonair, sexy and (most of the time) supportive silver fox of a partner to her. 

I fucking salute you both (but Hillary more) every day I wake up and every night before I go to bed I say my prayers:
Dear Hillary (and sometimes Bill),  Please keep me safe and protect me from evil (including my own awful self).  Guide me in my journey through this wretched life and please tell Chelsea I would totally be her best friend if she wanted that.  Amen.

SPECIAL SALUTE/PRIZE!!!  Today's Daily Duo is winning a brand new salute/award from YIGTBAT!!  They are the forever Ultimate Most Powerful Duo Ever!!!  Congratulations to them.  Send them fruit baskets and flowers, readers.

Posted by Havilah

Well, the deed is done, readers.  I feel less anxiety but otherwise no better.  I'm questioning my decision, y'all.  I am.  I went into it with such a long list of reasons why this just wasn't right.  But once I was actually facing him and saying the words, "I don't see a future here," I was only seeing all the good things and perfectly wonderful reasons to stick it out.  And he said, "Well, I'm really bummed."  He may as well have cried!!!  Oh, dearest readers, did I make a mistake?   And what's more, if I did make a mistake, what do I do about it now?!  Is it too late to say, "Just kidding!"?  Or to say, "How about a trial period of like one more cup of coffee?"  Or do I just stick with the decision and move on?  Please tell me.  Please?

PS: He did pay for lunch, readers!  He paid for lunch!!!!

Posted by Havilah

Oh shit., readers  I have to "end things" today (as in under an hour from now) with The Aged.  I want to vomit.  I hate doing shit like this.  What if he cries?  Even worse, what if he doesn't give a shit at all?!  I realize these are the extremes, but of course that's naturally what I expect to happen!  Duh, readers!  It's a rule!  It's like if you watch a scary movie by yourself, you're going to be murdered in your apartment that night.  That's just a fucking law of nature!

Oh the horror of this.  I'm a fucking wreck, per usual.  I'm nervous and have anxiety and want to throw up and just let the chunks just drip down my chin because I'm frozen with fear.  This is the fucking worst, reader!  It's the worst!

Here is the plan:
I am hoping to get away with just saying something along these line, "This just isn't right for me," or "I just don't see a future here" or something cliche like that.  However, I have a bad feeling (of course) that I'm not going to get away without giving some better explanation than that.  If "why?" is asked repeatedly or insistently I'm going to go with, "It's not really anything specific, I just don't feel a real connection here."  I am hoping against all hope this suffices.  If not, then I'm just going to tell him the truth:  "You're kind of shady and a lot of the stuff you've told me seems to be turning out to be untrue or questionable at best.  You are a name dropper and a bit of a liar and those are, in my world (in which you are living), the two most egregious and heinous of crimes.  I have come to find you to be false and more than a little bit fishy and dammit if you don't have an apartment in TriBeCa but instead live with your parents in Queens, then just say so!  No, I would not have pursued you if that were the case, but at least you wouldn't have been such a filthy, lying liar!"  And then I shall grab my Prada bag (I don't have a Prada bag) and storm out, flipping my hair behind my shoulders on the way (my hair is in a bun).

Please, dear BlogGod, please let this end with me saying, "I'm just not that into you," and him responding, "Well, that's too bad.  Guess we'll both just move on, then."  And then he pays for my lunch (JUUUST KIDDING!...sort of).

Posted by Havilah

As I continue the Greatest and Most Awful Adventure (dating) I find myself doubting my stamina.  I've been seeing someone regularly for a bit now and I like him, I do.  That being said, I wonder sometimes if I really like him or if I'm just sick of looking and want to settle on someone so I picked the closest, most reasonable option and clung on.  Does that make sense?  I'm not sure I've ever done this, so it's a new idea to me.  I think that may be what I'm doing, though.  Dating (aka: searching and destroying/hunting and gathering/dividing and conquering) is fucking exhausting, as I'm sure I've said before.  So I think I'm just throwing in the towel but keeping a memento and some of my pride by holding on to one of these guys so save face and say, "See?  I don't need to date!  I have this thing!" 

Dear Readers, how do you find the energy or motivation to continue looking?  Please!!  Tell me!!!  Let me know by Commenting (above) or emailing me directly.

Posted by Havilah

Congratulations to Virginia "Ginni" Rommety for being named I.B.M.'s next CEO.  Making her the very first ever lady CEO in I.B.M.'s 100 year history!  Apparently this will make her "one of the most prominent women executives in corporate America".  I'll take their word for that, so YAY, GINNIGinni got it because she deserved it!!  The He-Man Woman-Hater who named Gin-Gin as CEO says this had nada to do with the fact that she's a woman, "Ginni got it because she deserved it."  Well, hear hear!

Gasp!  What if the next Steve Jobs is a lady?! Sit with it, readers.  Sit with it.
Posted by Havilah

Escandalo, readers.  Bette Midler is as slutty and jabber mouthy as the rest of us!  But she's Bette Midler, so don't you go thinking she's somehow you're equal now.  You filthy trollop. 

Anyway, Bette has admitted to having sex with Geraldo (IEW!) back in the day when he was kind of cute and she was less married.  She was told by her bestie (the also divine) Joy Behar that Gerarldo followed every "Guy Rule" in the book by writing about their sexual encounter in his autobiography (soon to be made into a telenovela).  Bette responded by following an important Divine Goddess Rule and said, "Ew!  I had sex with Geraldo but I don't think I would write about it. It was nothing to write home about!"  God, I love her.  I can't wait to grow up and be like her.

I salute you, Bette Midler.  Not for having sex with Geraldo, but for telling the world he sucks at it.


Posted by Havilah

Love is the same as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  Let that sink in.

Okay, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.  Anthropologist Helen Fisher PhD of Rutgers University has figured out that the state of being "in love" is chemically very similar to the brain state found in people with OCD and/or depression.  How long have I been saying that this shit ain't healthy, readers?!?!  My main bitch Dr. Helen discovered similar low serotonin levels (the "happy hormone", y'all) can be found in patients with OCD and patients who are "in love".  Innnnteresting, Helen.  She took 3 groups of people: The OCD's, The LoveSicks and The Normals, and she found the only people with healthy, normal serotonin levels were The Norms!  She even discovered some of these sad LoveSick folks thought about their loved one 95% of the day!  95%, READERS!!  All that's left after that is like, going to the bathroom!  So, again, an important similarity to our sisters and brothers with OCD. 

To be honest, this kind of makes me feel better about the way I behave when I'm interested in someone.  I mean, at least there's a diagnosis for that shit.  I'm not in love, I have OCD!!!

Posted by Havilah

Sandy Duncan has been making me wish I had one of her in my shirt pocket for years.  It's finally my opportunity to give her a public shout out by making her today's Daily Duo (along with her constant companion, Everything Good).  Sandy Duncan has had many counterparts in her life, including Preciousness (not based on the novel "Push" by Saphire), Tininess, Friendliness, Perkiness, Sweetness and Adorable Faceness.  But the one we always see her with, no matter what, is Everything Good (In The World).  Sandy is the most.  End of story. 





Posted by Havilah