Emma Koenig wrote, co-directed and starred in the video below. It pretty much sums up what I've taken multiple hundreds of posts to say. So. Thanks folks! And thanks, Emma. For putting me out of a job.

Awesome.

Fuck my life.

Posted by Havilah

Posted by Havilah

Would that every child who cut their own hair or that of their friend/sibling had a dad around who was a reporter for NPR. Jeff Cohen is, in fact, a reporter for NPR and when his 5 year old daughter Sadie cut her little sister Eva's hair (which ended in "the worst haircut ever") he did what any investigative reporter would do - a hard-hitting interview with the two people at the heart of the scandal.

There's nothing really remarkable about the interview other than just the fact that sometimes kids are fucking remarkably adorable. Particularly when they say "tush".

Sadie's life lesson: "That was really, really, really terrible. But everyone does that kind of stuff sometimes."

We salute you, Sadie! And Eva. (Kids hate it when you single one out over the other. I learned that in my travels).

Posted by Havilah

SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY!!!!! IT WAS A BIG DEAL!!! I HAVE NO IDEA EXACTLY WHAT THE IMPLICATIONS ARE BUT EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO AND ARE HAPPY SO I'M HAPPY TOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK YESSSSSSSSS! GO OBAMA! RAAWWWWWK!

HEALTHCAAAAAAAAAAAAARE! OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!! CHAMPAGNE!! VICODIN (for free???)!!!!!!!! CELEBRAAAAAAAAAAATIOOOOOOOOOON! YEAAAAH!

ROB YAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNG! Hm?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENNIIIIINNNNG!

Posted by Havilah

Well, Readers, as it turns out, that pot you smoked last night (this morning? currently?) actually could turn you into a naked, face-eating, nightmare zombie from hell. Fuck. Not good news for you (or any of us, let's just be honest).

They did the toxicology report - which, considering I can test my blood-alcohol, blood pressure, heart rate and level of desire for Starbucks in literally the blink of an eye using my phone while walking down Fifth Avenue, took an absurdly long time - on Rudy "Miami Zombie" Eugene (now deceased...or so we think). Despite the Miami Police swiftly, unapologetically and unquestioningly blaming bath salts for the entire grizzly scene, Rudy was high on nothing but life, face and weed. Not new, trendy weed. Just regular weed. And that is all.

The next time you get stoned and start feeling a wave of the munchies coming on, just remember this cautionary tale and get some Cheetos stat, before it's too late for the hobo who hangs out on your stoop.

I feel like there was some kind of injustice done here to the reputation of bath salts. I know a really good civil rights attorney - Joshua Brewster, Esquire - I'm gonna ask him what the implications of this are for the Miami Police Department. I mean, they made some pretty bold accusations that turned out to be completely unfounded! LIBEL! Maybe bath salts aren't so bad! Maybe at the end of the day bath salts are just a drug, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Posted by Havilah

I have just received news of a major success for YIGtBAT, Readers! A loyal Reader has just contacted us to let us know he can no longer read our blog at work because his computer now gives the message, "Management has deemed this site inappropriate due to pornographic and/or adult material."

Getting flagged by corporate online watchdog software is like the holy fucking grail for people like us!

RAISE A GLASS, READERS!!!!! We did it!


Richard Hess (one of my college professors) will be so fucking proud when I tell him this shit.

Posted by Havilah

This shit will make you laugh. I promise. It will probably also make you think, "Um. Is this racist? It feels super racist. But I'm laughing. So...fuck. Am I racist?!?" And the answer, as always, is yes to all of it. You are and always have been a huge racist. You know who isn't a racist?? Ben Pitts. But you don't give a fuck 'cause you're too busy being racist and laughing your ass off at this video.

Posted by Havilah

Today is today. It is also Wednesday. It is also the very first ever annual CASUAL PRIDE DAY!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to it, Readers! And congratulations.

Today is a day to celebrate your casual pride. You can be introspective (outwardly) about the pride you have in your own casualness or the casualness of those you love and/or support. It can also be a day to commemorate anything at all of which you are just casually proud.

This day of days can be (but doesn't have to be) consecrated by the wearing of the jeans (or sweat pants if you're super dedicated to the cause. A Forever Lazy would make you some kind of Casual Pride Santa Clause). Throughout the day be sure to do pretty much everything casually. Show up to work casually late. Have casual sex (if you're into that). Casually dress someone down for being anti-casual. Casually bump into that hot guy at work and give him a thumbs up while casually saying, "Fuck me Thursday, hotness." When waiting in line, always keep your weight sitting casually over one hip or the other while having casual sexting sessions with strangers who are checked in at the same 5 Guys as you. Just whatever you do, do it casually and proudly.

Here's what: if you didn't have time to prepare for the holiday today, don't worry. We're pretty casual about the date. The holiday falls near the end of June, beginning of July, but we're not really married to that date. You can celebrate it in November if you want. Whatever. We're casual about it.

And if you work in a place where casual just isn't done (I'm looking at you Jamie), then just take the day the fuck off. Casually call in sick.

Posted by Havilah

Dear Readers, I met my very first, in-person, Bravo-lebrities last week! I just got off an elevator with Ira Glass. One time I had lunch with Winona Rider, Sally Field and the entire cast of Freaks and Geeks (no, no I didn’t). The point is: I’m basically famous. My newest obsession, though, is the idea of building local celebrities. Like, I mean, you have to own a bank and shit in order to make a nobody a celeb. But I feel with the right friends and a couple well-place rumors you could really make a small-town celebrity totally from scratch.

This week I attempt to prove this by using my many and sundry connections in Indiana (I have no connections in Indiana) to put Laura Cardwell right in the fame whore seat of Kokomo, Indiana. I’m choosing Laura A) because she’s a badass, B) because everyone in that town knows her, C) she’s a badass and D) she paid me to (she didn’t pay me to). I'm kind of in love with the idea of creating local-lebrities. Like a whole sub-culture existing within each an every town across these great United States wherein there are Lebrities and their adoring fans and no one outside that town need know about it. But I don't mean, like the local radio DJ (no one fucking cares about you Allan James). I mean, like people who are just awesome so should be famous.

I think the first step should be starting like some kind of Facebook campaign, right? Like 1,000 Strong For Putting Laura Cardwell On The Front Page (remember: small town) or whatever. Next, yard signs and posters a la KONY 2012 but in a good way. T-shirts maybe. Definitely bracelets that’re like purple and say, “What Would Laura Do?” or “Live Laura” or “Whatever I Do Will Never Be As Awesome As Whatever Laura’s Doing Right Now And That Includes Sleeping”. Finally we’ll make the promotional tours of local radio stations, newspapers and other media outlets. Get a pap picture of her panties showing and we’re basically done.

Further suggestions? Please let me know. In the meantime, do your part to promote my latest endeavor – Laura Cardwell: Local-lebrity. Werq!

Posted by Havilah

It’s Pride Day, Readers!!! In honor of Pride, this post is dedicated to The American Stage (the theater). I like to call it “The American Stage” because that makes the stage sound almost as important as the people who act on it think it is.  Today we celebrate The American Stage for it’s rich history of supporting, promoting and throwing gay-ass dance parties for it’s queer brothers and sisters. The Flea Theater, in TriBeCa, has been no stranger to this grand, gay, theatrical tradition. Last year they were nominated for a GLADD Award for a play they produced about a lesbian teen finding her way in the cruel world through the magical realm of Dungeons and Dragons (as most young lesbians do). And I mean, they’ve never come out and told me, but I’m pretty sure the Flea Theater might actually be a little bit gay. But I mean, come on, who isn’t a little bit gay? Whatever, you’ve thought about it.

The Flea is currently enjoying its second run of “These Seven Sicknesses” and guess what, fatty, they serve dinner during the show. Get thee to The Flea, Readers!!! The Flea Theater celebrates Gay Pride year-round and so should you. Go see a show there. Become a member. Send them fan mail. Support The American Staaaaage! DRAMA! 

Posted by Havilah