ca. 2009 -- I don't know how I never heard this story (probably because I had a real job in 2009) but I'm glad I finally did.

You know how the moon doesn't actually emit its own light but instead reflects the light of the sun? Just say you know that, even if you don't, and from now on pretend you've known that since like 5th grade science class when the rest of us learned it but you were too busy trying to figure out in your head what tongue kissing might feel like. Well, anyway, Bill Nye was explaining this concept to some folks in Waco, TX where he was speaking as part of a lecture series. Nye pointed out that contrary to Genesis 1:16, which reads: "God made two great lights -- the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night," the "lesser light" isn't actually a light but a reflection of the "greater light". Well, that audience NEVER! Several of them walked the fuck out on his ass and one mother of three (with kids in tow) screamed out, "We believe in God!" Ummmm. What the fuck, Waco?

Waco has never really been exactly known for the awesome thinking skills of its citizens. So, I suppose this is sort of like a normal day at school for them. But still, what the fuck, Waco. Bill Nye, while I'll admit he's heavy handed on the puns, only brings the facts to the party, y'all!

Do y'all have any "Old News" items to share? Tell me!

Posted by Havilah

Two best friends in Madrid are finally going to realize their dream of becoming daddies together! Rayas and Inca are two male penguins who have been inseparable from the moment they first met. They have built a nest every spring for six years and waited for an egg to appear in it. Every year they've seemed quite heartbroken when no egg ever comes.

Then the miracle occurred! Zookeepers decided to give the couple an egg after another same-sex penguin couple (Adam and Steve, natch) proved successful parents last year in Communist China. Inca is currently fulfilling the role typically played by the female penguin by incubating the egg while Rayas is filling up on food to feed the chick which is set to hatch in June. According to the zookeepers the pair are both very happy and Rayas in particular is, "like a new penguin."

Damn it that is fucking sweet.

Posted by Havilah

I don't read the news (unless it's about gays) and I abstain from political fuckery (unless it's about gays), but when this came across my desk (couch) today from a loyal Reader I couldn't resist educating myself (and you) on a little bit of what's happenin' in New York Guv.Apparently our beloved Mayor Bloomberg ("Bloomies") has proposed a ban on sugary sodas in any size larger than 16 oz. being sold anywhere in NYC other than the supermarkets or convenience stores (keeping the Big Gulp safe, phew). The ban does not include diet sodas (because they have the word "diet" in them), fruit juices (because they have the word "fruit" in them), dairy-based drinks like milkshakes (because they have the word "milk" in them), or alcoholic beverages (because they are awesome).

It all seems a bit Communist-China to me. What say you, Readers?

Posted by Havilah

I know, Readers, you've missed me. Sometimes I take these sabbaticals (Vicodin binges) and only something jaw-droppingly awesome can yank me back to my duties here at YIGtBAT. This morning I was trolling the internet for just such a story and WHAM! Here it is. And yes, my jaw literally dropped when I read it.

Yesterday morning Kathie Lee Gifford - known for her journalistic integrity, abrasive demeanor and morning drunkenness (hint: one of those things is not a truth) - interviewed Martin Short and made a giant fucking asshole of herself. For clarity, she made MORE of a giant fucking asshole of herself than she usually does. As though they were the best of friends and spent weekends weekending together, Kathie started asking Martin about his wife (because "he has one of the greatest marriages of anybody in show business") - things like, "How many years now for you guys?" and "But you're still, like, in love?" and "You make each other laugh, right?" among other things. Which seems sweet enough, right, for a drunk who's drunk? Right. Well, here's what: Martin's wife died 2 years ago of ovarian cancer. So. There's that to consider. And WHAM! I'm back on the job!

Posted by Havilah

This video of a couple youthful, carefree Ruskies is pants shittingly scary slash awesome. If you are easy to pants-shit, do not watch. These two and their photographer comrade scaled a 240-meter-high bridge in Vladivostok with absolutely no safety gear. This, as you may know oh Learned Reader, is a bit of a trend among the Russian youth. I can't decide if I support it. But the videos make me feel things, which is a feat.

Posted by Havilah

Josef Miles - student, badass and short lister for coolest kid of 2012 - stumbled upon the dark cloud of hate that is the Westboro Baptist Church last Saturday. Naturally, predictably and uncreatively they were holding their yawn-worthy "God Hates Gays" type signs. Josef asked his mama if he could make a sign and stage a quiet protest-protest. She is an awesome mom, so she said yes. He made a sign on his notebook reading, "GOD HATES NO ONE" and proceeded to quietly and peacefully send his message to the hate group (while his mother took photos with her cell phone, natch). Of the signs I've seen in this vein (don't go there, Reader, you purve, I know which vein you're picturing and you're sick!), Josef's is my favorite. Ach, his or "God loves his silky smooth legs". It's a toss up.

Posted by Havilah

If the New York Times were a publication anyone gave a fuck about and/or if it were even remotely worthwhile, this would be it's cover story today. Since the New York Times is a waste of all our lives, just stick to using YIGtBAT as your source for stories of miracles here on Earth.

This morning I decided to make today special by imbibing in sugary sweet beverages and recreational Vicodin usage. Since making that decision the day has done nothing but get better and better. That being said, I really hope this story is not a hallucination.

The band Here We Go Magic (who I had not heard of until this morning) was driving along the interstate in their van (as bands you've never heard of are wont to do) and passed up a hitchhiker with a sign reading "End of West 70". As they passed him one guy said, "John Waters". Then the band's front man, Luke Temple, agreed saying, "Yep. Definitely John Waters." They stopped and picked him up and yes, it was John Waters. He's hitchhiking across the United States because he wants an adventure. Well, of course he does. They drove him as far as Indianapolis.

Wait.
So...
Wait, what?!?!?

John Fucking Pencil Thin Mustache Waters (that's his middle name) is just casually hitching across the country?!?!?! And this band (who sound awesome, by the way, I got some stuff on iTunes) just happened to stumble upon him?!?! And now he is (or was) just wandering west on I-70 in my homeland of Indiana?!?!? This is the kind of story I want to read about every fucking day!

Dear Readers, if you have a car and are anywhere west of Indianapolis near I-70, please - if not for yourself, for me - go and drive on I-70! Just fucking drive! Drive and hope for the miracle. The miracle that is John Fucking Waters hitchhiking. Go, Readers! While there's yet time!

Today is the best day in the news.

Posted by Havilah

I broke up with my now former boyfriend almost a year and a half ago. I don't pine after  him (anymore), I don't have an empty space in my heart where his love used to be (anymore), I don't cry myself to sleep at night (anymore) and I don't have trouble knowing how to deal with life each day without him (anymore). I broke up with him because it was an uhealthy relationship and I accept and appreciate it being over.

All that having been said, am I the only one who still has a desire to stalk my past loves? Is there something wrong with me that I have a curiosity about what they look like now and who they're fucking and if they're happy and especially if they're not happy? Is it a sickness that when I recently found out my ex would be in NYC on May 30th my immediate thought was, How can I sneak up on him and/or lurk nearby and observe his actions? I'm a curious gal! I want to know! I haven't lost a ton of weight since our break up and I don't have an awesome boyfriend to flaunt (unless a good looking Man Reader would like to volunteer to play that role for the night), I kinda just want to say "Hello, remember me?".

Here's what, though: While I find the idea thrilling, I also have a very real (and probably justified) fear that in doing this I may discover that he actually does have the super power of turning me into a puddle on the floor. Like, I might learn that wasn't a one time fluke.

Am I the only one who is a creepy wannabe stalker of exes? Should I go say "Hello, I'm the one from before" to him? TELL ME!

Aaaaand I'm cc'ing my fucking therapist on this one. Eesh. The things I share with you, Reader. You're basically my best friend.

Posted by Havilah

Dear Readers, are you looking to find love? Are you considering doing it online? Are you thinking Match.com might be a good place to try? THINK AGAIN! Okay to finding love and doing it online. But nay, I say nay to Match.com. I didn't like Match almost immediately. It's too expensive, misleading, boring, too expensive, a pain to shut down and too expensive. However, I didn't hate it enough to completely rule them out for those of you who want to give it a go.

That all changed this week.

Match has started sending me emails - constant, unending, pointless, annoying emails - all day everyday. I have "unsubscribed" from these emails (3 days ago) but continue receiving them. They claim it takes up to 7 days to stop the emails after unsubscribing. Why? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard. When I unsubscribe from massive, government run email lists the change happens immediately. When I unsubscribe from small, non-profit  lists the change happens immediately. When I unsubscribed from fucking Kanye West's list the fucking change happened immediately! Come on, Match! And thus, Match has been relegated to the "Tried and FAIL! Do not recommend" section of our online dating sites list. I may try finding the email address for their leader and sending him/her (but you know it's a man) countless emails every day about how awesome my blog is and he should for sure read it.

Match.com is the worst.
We hate them.
Print up the t-shirts.

Posted by Havilah

As you know, Dear Dedicated Readers, while I have turned my back on online dating, I continue to keep my accounts active for you, only for you. Well, I got an attractive email a few weeks ago and decided to give it a shot.

We met for drinks and had a nice enough time. By "nice enough", I mean I agreed to see him again even though there were no sparks. We met again and had another lovely date (still no sparks) until he exposed himself to me. No, he didn't show me his penis. He showed me his insecurities, possible homophobia and made me question whether he actually does have a penis to expose.

Because you are completely obsessed with my blog and everything I say is burned onto your subconscious mind like a brand, you already know I like to call people (men and women) "gurl" or "bitch". It's a thing. It's just how I talk. I like it. So, when he told me some story about how he doesn't floss (READERS, YOU SHOULD FLOSS AT LEAST ONCE A DAY!) I replied with, "Girl, you should floss!" He responded with, "I'm a man and don't ever call me that again." Which could have been funny if he wasn't aggressively serious about it. Thus ended what could've been a perfectly nice non-relationship.

Guys, I have to be able to call you "girl". If you're not okay with that - dealbreaker.

Posted by Havilah