Recently the Vatican decided (after a 3 year investigation) that the women religious (aka "nuns") in these damned United States are getting a little big for their britches (yes, a lot of them even actually wear britches). In light of the fact that these women simply refuse to stop fighting for social justice, feeding the poor and wanting to become priests the Vatican is taking the only reasonable recourse - they're appointing a babysitter. A male babysitter, specifically. Being a man, obviously he'll know what's best for these wayward women.
Thank god someone is taking control of these fucking crazy bitches. Apparently, they have been NOT speaking out against homosexuality, which doesn't make the Pope mad, just disappointed (no, I'm kidding, it totally makes him mad). There've also been a few of them who are actually writing letters (LETTERS!) in favor of women's ordination, which is just disgusting to even think about! Next thing you know this group of wild prostisluts will be wanting to start calling hymnals, "hermnals". Sickos.
Anyway, the Vatican has (finally) taken control of their wild child, American women religious, by assigning a group of male overlords. Rumor has it the nuns will not go gentle into that good night. I'm hoping for a battle of wits to determine the winner. I know who'll win that one. But I'm not saying.
Otherwise a battle using quarterstaffs would also be kind of awesome.
Posted by Havilah
Being Dead Can Be Hilarious
Posted without comment because this guy and his swan clearly do not need my fucking input.
Posted by Havilah Brewster
Yay, Ray Ban! Yay, gay! Ray Ban's most recent ad campaign, "Never Hide", produced by Paris ad agency Marcel, is an homage to, "people from various eras who have flouted conventions in plain sight." Including (but not limited to) this fabulous couple here who is clearly going against the grain by dating outside of their height range. I fully salute them because if the mister on the left wanted to wear heels one night he's really going to tower over his beau and they are just saying, "Fuck it" to that. I have a lot of friends who would not be so brave. GO RAY BAN!
You BETTA werk!
Posted by Havilah
Hillary Doesn't Need Your Reasons But Appreciates Them
"45 Totally Superficial Reasons Why Hillary Clinton Should Run For President In 2016
" is my favorite thing of the day. And that's even over this little gem
. These reasons may be hilarious and superficial, but they are also awesome and I would totally vote for her based on only them and the fact that she is the best of anything or anyone ever. LONG LIVE HILLARY, QUEEN OF THE WORLD!Posted by Havilah
Egypt is apparently about to create a law, the "Farewell Intercourse" law, allowing husbands to do sex to the corpse of their wives for up to six hours after her death. I'll let you reread that sentence to make sure you got it all.Take a moment.I like jokes, I do. But this is not my kind of joke, so I definitely did not make this up. Actual news sources are reporting this shit, so I guess it's for real. I'm unable to process it as a reality, though.
Like. I mean, no. It's just. No.As you can imagine, Egyptians (both alive and dead) are protesting the shit out of this insanity. Listen, I am an equal rights provider. I will probably ask, but you don't have to tell me who you do sex with and when and why and how (again, I most likely will ask, though). You like girls, guys, both, neither, drum kits, statues of Liberty? Whatever! However you like it, you like it. But, girl, I cannot cosign this loan.
This is fucked up. Rejected!PS: Kaikaiing with Sharon Needles does not count as sex with a dead woman. I fully condone sex with Sharon Needles.Posted by Havilah
"Oh Jesus." Yes, He'll Be There Too.
No, I'm kidding. Jesus is dead. As is Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. And contrary to reports that would have you believe otherwise
, TLC will not be pulling a Dr. Dre with their most awesome and most dead member, Left Eye. The remaining members of the group, T-Boz and Chilli, will be doing a tour. The tour will include (as their previous shows have) past footage and vocals by Left Eye. The performance, however, should not be compared to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg's (mis)use
of Tupac's image in a way meant to make him "come to life" on the stage. The images have been and will continue to be simply projected on a large screen in a pretty cool and tasteful manner. TLC, like the rest of the world, must have come to the conclusion that animating dead people's images and making them prance onstage and perform "with" you is fucking creepy, disrespectful and gross. So they're not doing it. The real shocking news here is that TMZ reported misleading information and lied about their source and a bunch of people took that story and ran with it. Oh wait...Posted by Havilah
Friends Of Mel Gibson Are Full Of Shit
Remember a couple years ago when Mad Mel Gibson went mad and we got to hear new, fresh, brilliant material from him on a daily basis for like a week? And then his friends like Jodie Foster said things like, "He's so incredibly loving and sensitive," and we were all, "Oh, maybe we're only hearing one, totally crazy side of the story."
Well, obviously Jodie was being held at gunpoint while Mel screamed in her ear that if she didn't say nice shit he was going to bury her in the fucking rose garden, because after the latest Mel rant it's pretty clear this bitch is out of his fucking mind and should not be trusted among the public. Or at all. Ever.
I never have and probably (god willing) never will meet Mel Gibson and yet I'm completely terrified of him
Posted by Havilah
Coffee With Queens (Not THAT Queen, Though)
Y'all, I'm sorry my ass had to take off the past few days. I promise you'll be happy when I tell you why. Oh, I'm not telling you why anytime soon.But anyway, in the meantime I have discovered this podcast, "Coffee With Queens" and LOVE-ING-IT! If you know me at all, Readers, you know I love Kiki Kardashian, Hillary Clinton and drag queens. Well, I have just found all three in one! No, I'm fucking with you, I didn't. I will create my own separate blog dedicated to that if I ever find it. No, but I did find this podcast and this shit is hilarious. Kittin Whithawhip (one of my fave lady-boys) and Frostie Flakes basically sit around drinking "coffee" and
dishing on headlines (the kind of headlines we
read, Readers, not like, "serious" headlines). I love these two! If I wasn't scared of losing my job, I'd say they should definitely get these bitches to write for YIGtBAT. No, but we should totally get them to write for us.The show is a delightful hour of tea (T, y'all), celebrities, death,
trash, fucks, shits, tits, asses and awesomeness with a couple crazy funny queens.I am encouraging them to watch "Sybil", though. They'll get it. And you will too, if you listen!Check it out here or on iTunes.Posted by Havilah
Dear Readers, brace yourselves. Dr. Dre, the awesome rap artist turned dark-sided
creep master and his side kick Snoop Dee-oh-double-gee are in talks to launch a fucking tour
with their new friend, Holo-Pac.So. Gross.I was a freshman in high school when Tupac was killed and I was for sure in the crazy camp that believed he was alive and hiding somewhere peaceful and quiet. I am a huge fan and the thought of him not being around to whip out more insight
ful social commentary veiled in badass rhymes was (and still is) heart breakingly sad. But, Readers (and Dr. Dre)! When I say I wish Pac wasn't dead, this is not what I mean! Let the man rest in peace (either in death or in Switzerland).On a serious level, I actually did find this particular use of projection to be interesting as a technical feature for a show, but because of whose image they were projecting, I was left deeply sad after watching it. It just felt like a harsh reminder that, while it may have looked like it on that stage, 2Pac's not around anymore. There are wonderful rap artists today who I really like and admire, but there's never been anyone who could touch 2Pac.
I'm glad he was around as long as he was and that we all got to hear him, but I'm sad that he's gone. For me, personally, animating a projected image of him and interacting with it as though he's really there feels offensive and assaulting. Okay, I swear that's as serious as I'll get for like at least a fucking month.Sidebar: Interesting little tidbit - we all keep calling this a hologram (including me) and it actually isn't. It's a 2D image. Worth noting. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!Posted by Havilah
Cabin In The Woods
The Team is letting me do a review. They said I could try one and if it gets a good response I could maybe do more. How very fucking altruistic of them. Ugh. Anyway!
I saw 'Cabin In The Woods' this weekend with my vegan friend. The fact that he's vegan is unrelated to this review, I just think it's weird and therefore worth mentioning under any circumstances.
The movie sucks. From beginning to end there are only a few moments that made me think, "Oh, okay. Maybe this could get good at some future point." But it never did get good. It sucked the whole time. Don't go see it.
Verdict: This movie is stupid and you should not see it.
Posted by Havilah