Suri Cruise has been playing "The Floor Is Lava" since birth (possibly even in utero). Suri is now 5 years old (going on 80) and her love for the floor being lava and her equal and opposite hatred of said lava on the floor is still going strong and I see no end in sight for this flourishing love affair.

Suri started her very own blog/burn book last year and The Floor Is Lava is hugely supportive of it, since she gets to write it either sitting on a chair (with both feet tucked under her, natch) or from high atop her preferred throne (Katie) using her iPhone 7.

It is now perfectly clear to all of us who love (or once loved) The Floor Is Lava that our love is nothing (nothing) compared to Suri's.

We salute today's Daily Duo (from way down here).

Posted by Havilah

"...may you ever live in our hearts.
You were the grace that placed yourself
Where lives were torn apart (by Kayte Walsh)."

Let us all bow our heads for a moment of silent reflection over the loss of a (sort of) Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. I mean, she's not dead! Oh my god, I'm just realizing it totally sounds like she's dead. No, she's totally still alive. But she's dead to Bravo who recently announced they have cut her from the RHBH roster for next season. Not cool, Bravo. I still love you, but this is not something our relationship is going to just bounce back from.

During her two season tour de force on the show, Camille Grammer held our hands through her initial blitzkrieg in season 1 right into her Zen Master Flash performance of season 2. Camille will always be remembered in my heart for all her many and sundry shenanigans, but mostly for 1. bringing the cunk upon, have fun upon, up in this dancery, 2. her apparent disconnect from the fiscal reality of the rest of the world and (most importantly) 3. her generosity in introducing the world to this.

Rumor has it Bravo ousted our elegant flower because she wasn't serving enough cray cray. Bravo and Camille are saying they couldn't come to an understanding but Camille says she did not want to leave and if given the chance she would do another season. So...

"And your footsteps will always fall here
Along [Beverly Hills]'s greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend ever will..."

Posted by Havilah

This video is taken from Shane Dawson's "13 And Pregnant" video and is otherwise presented without comment.

Posted by Havilah

Royce Reed and Marilyn Hoggatt are today's (and every day's, really) Daily Duo. These two are besties who live in an old hotel on downtown LA's Skid Row. These two are sort of a Yin and Yang situation, except...not. Marilyn is a delicious little (big) morsel who's pretty positive about shit, considering she lives in a "shit hole". Royce is a fucking bitch on wheels (in a good/scary way). Royce knows eleganza and even RuPaul wouldn't stand a chance if they went peep-toe to peep-toe in an Elegance-Off. Royce says shit like, "God on a wheel!" and means it, making her one of my favorite people, officially. She also hates pretty much everything, so we're kind of like soul mates. But alas, Royce has already found her soulmate and she is Marilyn (no one's sure why, including both of them). I love these bitches. Long live The Daily Duo!!

Posted by Havilah

Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School in Cliffwood, New Jersey (ew, New Jersey) has made a cold, hard, iron-clad rule which strictly prohibits hugging. What? Yes, hugging. Principal Tyler Blackmore made an announcement proclaiming the school would henceforth be a hug-free zone (hopefully he said it over the loud speaker, god I fucking loathed the loud speaker...probably why I'm not into the whole "God" thing...I fucking knew God in school and he was not fucking friendly to me and his voice crackled and he never ever had good news). The parents are all totally cool with this because they're pretty sure their slutty kids were probably groping each other over their clothes while trying to make it look like a hug (that's what I do when I hug). The Superintendent of the school, David Healy, then scolded me personally with, "It is unfortunate that there are those who find purpose and humor in sensationalizing such a routine school-related issue at the expense and inconvenience of our children and our school community." He knows me. And he hates me.

Posted by Havilah

If you follow celebrity gossip (and you fucking know you do, don't lie), you know that Jon Hamm and Kim Kardashian have been in a bit of a word battle (via Twitter and interviews, natch) and, believe it or not, Kim has come out actually looking like the smarter and all around better person (and I'm not just saying that because of my personal love for her). I take pretty massive issue with actors (fucking actors) who feel the need to make negative, disparaging and disgusting statements about reality TV stars (since when is it cool to call someone "a fucking idiot"? Unless you're me, of course). Here's why: what the fuck do these actors think they're doing that makes them so much fucking better than KiKi (that's what Mason and I call Kim K.)? They fucking play pretend and some of them (the ones you hear about) get grossly overpaid for it. Do they really fucking believe that KiKi just fucks around all day doing "stupid" shit and getting her nails done and is able to maintain what's quickly becoming a fucking empire? Um, I doubt it, bitches. And is what these actors do really so fucking beneficial to society? My main point is that fucking actors have egos the size of the fucking universe and it makes me want to do violence against them when they A) consider themselves in a position to talk shit about pretty much anyone (again, my job) and B) think so highly of what they do (again, they play fucking pretend) that they never stop to think, "Oh yeah, I guess I'm pretty much not doing anything real and/or impactful and it's pretty badass that I'm getting paid to do it. I should be cool with that and be nice to my peers." Yes, KiKi is your peer, Jon Hamm, fucking deal with that.

And that is a really long winded introduction to this video which made me cry. You may already know (if you are a regular Reader, you do) that I am obsessed with Hillary Clinton (as well as KiKi - the irony, I know). This video of Meryl Streep introducing Hillary at the Women In The World Conference is pretty fucking stunning. I don't want to name any favorite parts, because I kind of love it all equally. But I do particularly dig the fact that Meryl humbly recognizes that she is an actor and Hillary is "the real deal". This is exactly what I'm talking about! Meryl is awesome. I salute her (and KiKi).

Posted by Havilah

Nikki K., our most favorite quitter in the world, has now nearly survived her 5 day sensory deprivation and is ready to begin shooting the first episode. Before she can leave her hotel room (where she’s no doubt made good friends with the paintings, the sink and the wallpaper pattern) production members stop by to hear what her big intro line is. Nikki K. had decided to go casual/organic/normal and simply introduce herself to The Bachelor and see where that goes. Well, “normal” is one thing The Bachelor does not do well. So, naturally, the producers said, “That’s cute, but no, here’s what you’re going to say,” and proceeded to hand her a prop specific to her hometown (they’d obviously come prepared for her to come up with some normal introduction) and told her that what she’d do was go ahead and shove that in his mouth with her finger (not making this up) and then deliver a more-than-a-little-bit-suggestive line about how he should find her later so she could also shove her tongue in his mouth (truth). Wow.

So, Nikki K. was then (finally) released from her chamber to go to hair and makeup in preparation for the big first shoot that evening (the season premiere episode) and to film her I’m-just-a-regular-girl background video. Readers, remember how in the first episode you see select girls in their hometowns talking about their lives and how ready they are to find “true love”? Well, surprise of all surprises they’re all in SoCal, in the back parking lot of a hotel, in front of a backdrop. So low rent, Readers. So low rent.

It was during the filming of her “I’m just a girl, standing in front a boy, asking him to love her,” background video that our girl Nikki K. took the final straw they delivered and used it to snort a line of “fuck you, I’m going home”. She started telling her story when the production crew said, once again, “That’s cute, but no, here’s what you’re going to say,” and then proceeded to fill her in on how she was actually brought up, by whom, where and when; how she feels about it all; and they also let her know what kind of “character” she’d be playing in this season. Most of that didn’t seem terrifically out of the norm to her (I mean, she’d just been in a sensory deprivation tank for 5 days, so she was pretty much just happy to see the sun and have someone talk to her). What struck her as odd (and eventually unacceptable) was that they actually did have certain aspects of her life correct. Extremely personal and private aspects of her life. Aspects of her life which had happened when she was a baby and which she, in fact, had never once even mentioned to anyone (not even the shrink conducting her phsych exam) involved with the show. The information was not readily available without doing some CIA style probing into someone’s life (and Nikki K. was born outside the US, so finding this information took some fucking effort). It was at this point that Nikki K. blinked at them a lot, slapped her own face and woke up from the daze they’d had her under (which was probably drug induced, wouldn’t surprise me) and said, “No, seriously, fuck you I’m going home, get me a fucking car and a flight.”

The producers begged her to stay on the show by making promises (yes, promises) she’d be in the top 5 contestants (among other things). Sooo…that show’s not rigged at all. They got to looking like really sad, desperate boys who’ve just been broken up with by the super hot girl who never really liked them that much to begin with. She totally flipped her hair in their face and said, “Seriously, you look really stupid. Also, I hate you. And please stop texting me, it's creepy.”

Posted by Havilah

Lady Readers, are there (straight) men in your life (friends, brothers, etc.) who say things to you like, “I don’t know why girls wear peep-toe shoes, guys don’t like them,” or, “Why do women wear tapered jeans? Most dudes do not think they’re cute,” and so on? I have heard this from more than one source in my life and even if you haven’t heard it, I can assure you you know men who are thinking it. I was buying a pair of desert boots once from J. Crew and the elfin salesman told me, “Those are cute, I think most guys think they’re kind of masculine on girls, though. Like I don’t like seeing them on girls.” 1) Terrible sales tactic, 2) here was my response, “You may find this hard to believe, but I actually don’t give a fuck.” And he fucking deserved it.

In this day and age, why do men still seem to think that women are getting dressed with them in mind, like, at all? “Guys don’t like peep-toe shoes”? Well, that’s a good fucking thing, because you aren’t expected to wear them (no offense, RuPaul – there’s an exception to every rule and all that). Where is the mountaintop I can scream from to say, “I don’t get dressed for your ass!” or, “I am not actually living my life with the intent of having a man fall in love with me based on my shoes!” or, “I validate myself and, therefore, do not need you to do that for me and, therefore, do not give a fuck if you think my clothing makes me sexually appealing.”

And by the way, most of the shit “most dudes” do seem to like are 1) uncomfortable (I’m looking at you high heeled shoes), 2) something they saw in a porn (still looking at high heeled shoes, but focusing on boots), 3) something they imagine their mother would’ve worn when she was young and sexy (gross) or 4) whatever the hot girl behind you is wearing (romance).

By the way, beards are fucking nasty. Most women find them to be fucking nasty. I don’t know why boys wear them.

Posted by Havilah

These two have been a couple (in my mind) since this morning when I read about them allegedly spending the night together (in a sexy way). I feel this rumor needs to be true and it needs to move to the next level of being a fact (meaning they should be photographed in an airport together with scarves over their faces). A of all, I did not know The Depp hung out in my city, I need to start my starvation diet and stop washing hair (it's like always wearing clean panties in case of a wreck, you just never know). B of all, the idea of these two bumping pretties just feels really right, to me. In a "so wrong it's right" kind of way. I need this to be real, Readers. Just imagine the merry mixups that could ensue when Mary Kate and Ashley try to fool Johnny so that Ashley can go to the grand opening of a new Hot Topic during Johnny's big red carpet premiere. It's like parent trap but for lovas. Lova' Trap. T-fucking-M. The potential for foolery is endless. I need it!

Posted by Havilah

Kraft Foods Inc. - makers of lots of stuff but most importantly the greatest macaroni and cheese that has ever been - has decided to change their name to Mondelēz International, Inc.. Well that makes perfect fucking sense.

In case you're feeling uneducated, Dear Reader, Mondelēz is not a word. In any language. It's entirely a made up nonsense word. So, yes, this makes perfect fucking sense.

Don't worry, they won't give you the blue box blues by changing the name on the box (or any product names), they're just changing their corporate name. Which makes perfect fucking sense.

Mondelēz. What in the fuck?

Posted by Havilah