Congratulations are in order for Jersey Shore cast members Sammi and Ronnie. These two were sexting each other from their respective wombs but broke up just before being birthed. They got back together shortly thereafter and it was clear to anyone who saw them it was a match made in heaven. Until they broke up when Sammi found out Ronnie had been touching some other bitch's diapers. But then they got back together for the sake of their parents. Then they broke up. And so on and so on until they finally broke up for good. But not for good. 'Cause they might be gonna get back together soon. For all of this, we salute you, Sammi and Ronnie. Readers, please rise for the honorable Daily Duo!

Posted by Havilah

You guys. YOU GUYS! There is an asteroid that may hit the Earth! It also might not. Either way it's not going to happen or not happen until 2040. But still, you guys!!!!!! Known as Asteroid 2011 AG5, nicknamed The Queen Bitch (by me and David Bowie), this giant piece of space rock, "is the object which currently has the highest chance of impacting the Earth … in 2040," according to Detlef Koschny of the European Space Agency’s Solar System Missions Division (that's a fucking mouthful). Of course, in the same breath he also said, "...the confidence in these calculations is still not very high." But still!!! I hope this gives my Readers suffering from displaced paranoia something to focus on for the next few years. It's out there, Readers. It's out there and it is (or is not) going to possibly land on your ass. Unless Bruce Willis is still alive.

Posted by Havilah

The group calling themselves "One Million Moms" (which currently boasts just over 44K "Likes" on Facebook...oh wait...what?) are hating haters who hate gays, specifically. They recently tried to get Ellen (America's favorite lady and lesbian) fired from her very glamorous JCPenney campaign for being gay. Naturally, Ellen publicly and quite charmingly dressed them down and the world applauded her ass for it. Nobody keeps Ellen from her sansabelt pants! So, they accidentally started a nationwide pro-gay rally cry (when Bill O'Reilly is whistling a slightly gay tune in response to your right-wingery, then you're officially doing it wrong).

Don't think for a even one millionth of a second that this little hiccup would put a dent in the massive ego. Nay. They are now publicly condemning Geoffrey the Giraffe. Oh, come on you mother fuckers. Seriously? Yes, Seriously.

The One MILLION Moms are descending upon Toys "R" Us with their furious vengeance and shit because Toys "R" Us is selling the gay friendly Archie comics. Archie recently featured its openly gay character Kevin Keller getting married to his beau (who I'm assuming is also gay...but I mean, who ever knows). The Moms vomited up this pea soup on the subject: "[Toys "R" Us] is the last place a parent would expect to be confronted with questions from their children on topics that are too complicated for them to understand." In other words: we don't want to have to actually talk to our kids and you're putting us in a position where we might have to. Oh and we hate giraffes, also.

I'm not an expert on being a parent. However, I spent well over 10,000 hours being a kid so according to Malcolm Gladwell I'm an expert on the subject and I'll tell you something, One Millllliiioooonn Moms: If your kid is old enough to be curious about a subject, they're old enough for you to talk to them about it. Since I'm pretty sure your child is not asking you about the political ramifications of the Archie comic or the level of hate he or she should feel towards homosexuals, the topic of homosexuality is, in fact, pretty fucking straight forward. You'r understanding of it is clearly too complicated for me to understand and probably for your child to understand. The topic itself is not complicated and if your child asks its your fucking responsibility to talk with them about it. No one - not Ellen or Toys "R" Us or even the United States government - are obliged to protect you from this responsibility. Shame on you. Slap yourself in the face, One Trillion Moms.

The more I've had time to think about this -- perhaps it would be better if you have me talk to your kids about homosexuality. Yes, there. That solves it. Send their loud asses my way.

Posted by Havilah

Today is that day of days that comes but once every four years. It's Leap Day. And we all know what that means (no one knows what that means) -- today is the day a lady can propose to a fella! It is the ONLY DAY! Any other day of any other year this is entirely unacceptable behavior and strictly verboten. Obviously.

Scared your guy might not be super into the idea of being bound forever to your ass? No biggie, 'cause here's what: if his stupid face tells you "no", then he has to either give you money, buy you a gown or gift you with 12 (TWELVE) pair of gloves. Twelve. So, you're pretty much set either way.

This is a rare case of no downside, lady Readers. Just ask. You'll either get presents or you'll get laid on the reg. Get it!

Posted by Havilah

It's here, Readers! It's here! That special moment that comes but once or twice a year: The DANCING WITH THE "STARS" LIST OF "STARS" HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This round we have:

• William Levy
• Sherri Shepherd
• Urkel ("Jaleel White")
• Martina Navratilova
• Jack Wagner
• Donald Driver
• Maria Menounos
• Roshon Fegan
• Gavin DeGraw
• Glady Knight
• Katherine Jenkins
• Melissa Gilbert

I literally only know who five of these people are.

Posted by Havilah

This week Ben and his three remaining girls, Possible, Maybe and Cunt-Word, all traveled to Switzerland like a happy little Robinson family for some heavy inter-lockin' (do you get it, Reader? Do you get it?).

First Ben took out Maybe (Nikki) they did a bunch of stupid stuff which of course included a helicopter before Nikki of course agreed to an "overnight" date in the "fantasy suite" where she most likely didn't do sex to him as I'm pretty sure his lazy ass wouldn't have mustered the energy for her (is he not one of the most boring of all or what? Do not like).

Possible (aka: Lindzi with a "z") was next. They did a bunch of stupid stuff which of course included dangling off a cliff before she of course also agreed to do sex to his floppy haired duh-face. He may have risen to that occasion. The world may never know. I am still wiping blood off my neck this morning from where my ears started hemorrhaging from hearing Lindzi with a "z" say the word "vulnerable" about 13 times too many.

The C-Word was Ben's final date of the season. They did a bunch of stupid stuff and of course she fucked him without a second thought about it because she's horrible. Ben told her she shouldn't have been so mean to those poor girls and she said, "Yeah, I guess not," and he was like, "Cool, I'm cool with that response. All set." And that was that book closed. I'm certain Ben did nasty shit with her in the "fantasy suite" because she's pretty. Period.

The Bachelor(/ette) wouldn't be complete without a surprise re-entrance of a dismissed lady. This week it was poor, sad Kacie B. with the scary laugh (though that laugh was nowhere in sight). Her sad ass came (to fucking Switzerland) to ask Ben to explain himself. He was like, "Meehhhhh, it's because I couldn't give you what you want," which is bullshit. Anyway, then Kacie B. says, "Fine. PS: that cunt-trash you chose over me (The C-Word), yeah, she's a conniving bitch and I'd watch yourself around her." To which Ben replied, "Get the fuck out. She's super pretty! What do you know?" Kacie B. then fainted.

Ben said that the C-Word was prettier and talked a better baby-talk so would Nikki please take her ass back to Texas where it belongs? And she said, "Damn. Okay." And just before the the cameras faded to black Lindzi with a "z" could be heard whispering "vulnerable" and I did this.

Posted by Havilah

Exhibit A: Dr. Phil says so. Making it an official fact (FACT!).

Exhibit B: He compares himself to Hitler. Then turns that into something...good?

Exhibit C: Yahoo answers says it's so. Again, fact (FACT!).

Exhibit D: This. All of this.

Exhibit E: This. All of this.

Posted by Havilah

I curled my hair on Saturday. I went with a friend to the MoMA (seriously recommending the Cindy Sherman exhibit - that bitch is right up my alley - if you like my shit, you'll like hers). I had tickets to see the hilarious "Heart of Darkness" show at Union Hall later that night. Staying true to form, the MTA said "fuck you" to my plans (I like comedy, not enough to be on a train for 3 hours in one night). So there I was with perfect tresses and no place to go. One of my smart friends suggested I (once again) sign up for an online dating site and get a date for that night saying, "Do not let those curls go to waste!". Despite my vowing against it, she had a point - it was the right thing to do. So I did.

So, I am (once again) on OK Cupid and I have things to say:

• OK Cupid is, without question, the best online dating experience being offered for straight girls. More on that to follow.
• I am not into online dating. Dot fucking com.
• If you're carrying on a "conversation" of more than 6 messages with someone on an online dating site, you should never under any circumstances ask them for more pictures. Speaking from experience, it makes a girl feel repulsed by you and shitty about her pictures and herself.
• As a wise man once said, "I wish the MTA had a face. So I could casually walk up to that face. And punch it."

I didn't end up going out (even despite using the "Locals" feature and suggesting a date) because everyone who contacted me had several strikes against them. My curls were wasted on my ward (dog) and a jigsaw puzzle.

Readers! Please find me a date!

Seriously.

Fuckmylife.

Posted by Havilah

The vote came in for this couple and I actually stood and did a slow clap. Thank you, Reader (you know who you are). Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are famously divorced and disallowed from being friends because Brad is a cheating cheater and because Angelina (his new lady and mother to his brood) won't allow that shit. But here's what: I don't give a fuck. You know why? Because I loved these two as a couple. I loved them hard. I'd never have admitted it at the time. But it's a lot like when Whitney Houston died - your (my) shameful ass never would've said you sing "One Moment In Time" whenever showering before a date or that you have "The Bodyguard" memorized, but once she's gone you realize you should've told her you loved her every single day 'cause you can't get that time back, Readers! Well, I loved Jennifer & Brad. And I'm still pretty sad they're not a married thing anymore. And I regret that I was too ashamed of my love to tell them while I had the chance. And just like with MJ and Whit-Whit - I remember exactly where I was when I heard that Jennifer and Brad's marriage died (truth). And IIIIIIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu...

Posted by Havilah

SANTA CLARA -- You've probably deleted at least one email from Google over the past several weeks letting you know about the changes to their privacy policy. Well, that was them knocking before they barge in on you while you're on the toilet, Dear Readers.

Here's the big diff:

Google is going to combine the data collected from logged in users across (almost) all their platforms. This includes (but is not limited to) YouTube, YouPorn, Gmail, most of the functionality of your Android smartphone and Google's search engine (one of those is a lie - but I fucking scared you didn't I, you filthy trollop). To be clear, they'll not be collecting any more or less information from you than they (and every other site you use) already have been. They're just going to combine the information from all their sites so they can get a "bigger picture" about you in order to tailor their ads more succinctly to each user, therefore, selling more shit.

The new policy is catching a lot of flack for two main reason: because there is no opt-out option and some feel it will open a wider door for hacking/identity theft. If you're feeling super violated by this, here's one small step you can take - the Electronic Frontier Foundation will fill you in on how to delete your shit on YouTube and Google search before the policy takes over your life on March 1st.

Chime in, Readers. Are you going to delete you Gmail account even if it means having to use Skype for your long distance video-phone sex?  Comment or email me and let me know!

PS: Just thought, why does Google not have an online dating site? They probably do.

Posted by Havilah