The future is now, Readers. We are living in it. I mean, just two days ago Marty Mc-Damn-Fly showed up at some mall in the Midwest. So like, get used to it.

Aside from hovering skateboards, we also have entirely new social skills we have to make up, learn, be aware of, fuck up, etc. because of Mark Zuckerberg and his dream for a brighter, more connected tomorrow (in his pants). Facebook gives us a whole world of new things to freak out over when single, mingling, "in a relationship", fuck, even married folks have issues when it comes to Facebook.

For the daters among us, here are  few things we are now forced to think about (or actively ignore). Like, how soon is too soon to post anything - anything at all - on the-person-you're-into's wall? How soon is too soon to tag them in a post? How soon is too soon to say you were "with" them somewhere in a status update? How soon, for god's sake, can we post photos TOGETHER (I mean, I'm getting the feeling that is like putting a damn ring on it. Or is it not?)? What does it mean to post a photo you took of them? Is that too serious? Are you now committed to something? What about photos of you and your whatever at some vacation-looking place? That seems like super serious, right? Or not? If you live together, can you post photos of your new couch? Or is that paramount to making an engagement announcement?

I can't and won't even get into the idea of changing your relationship status, because that's just...I mean...I...look at this...I had to take a Xanax just because I even wrote about it in one (now two!!!) line!

It just seems like so much pressure!!!

So, who has the answers? Someone among you must know what the answers are. And I want numbers!!! I don't want any of this "Meeehhhh, you do what feels right" bullshit. Don't fucking yank me around with your Oprah-isms. I don't need that. Suze Orman me, Readers. Give it to me straight up. Numbers. Facts. Algorithms. So on. And also, can I afford it?

Posted by Havilah

Well, Readers, if this doesn't make you feel something, then I give up.

Lennon (12) and Maisy (8) Stella (currently not old enough to be reading my smut) are basically the secret to a long and happy life.

Here they are performing a cover of Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up". This is one of my personal favorites of their YouTube hits, but they're all pretty special.

The sisters currently star (and sometimes sing) on ABC's "Nashville".

Get into them, Readers.

Posted by Havilah

First of all, let me just say how royally fucking peeved I am that I can no longer use the number (or "pound") sign to mean what the fuck it's supposed to mean! Now it's a fucking hashtag and nothing more. No matter how you use it, it's a goddamn hashtag. Man, FUCK that!

That being said, I bring you another lesson in wooing (having absolutely nothing to do with the number sign or hashtags, pre-digressive intros are a style I'm trying out).

Ladies and Gentlereaders, I bring you - BOTH of these texts (above and below). Both are from real life, both made my knees weak and both are shining, glittering, gleaming, sweet-smelling examples of BAM! WOOING!

Make note of them. Steal them. Use them as your own.

You have my permission.

Go forth and woo. Woo mightily, Readers!!! And with gusto!

Posted by Havilah

As a wise person once said in a song, "Breaking up is hard to do." I think. Right? That  is a song, right? Whatever, if it's not, it should be. A ballad in a minor key.

Anywhatever, breaking up sucks for about 8 million reasons and that's not including all the emotional ramifications that come from no more leg on the reg. Most of the reasons why breaking up sucks are, let's be honest, completely made-up lies we tell ourselves, one of which is this:

No one will ever love me like you did.

That's made up. That's a fear, not a reality. I know you're savvy enough to understand the difference between fear and reality, Reader, so I'll assume intelligence and shan't explain further. This is just one of a quadrillion lies of this nature we tell ourselves during/after a breakup. A quadrillion fears which are only fears and not reality.

The truth is, Reader, someone will love you like that. Someone will love you better than that. And you will love someone else. And you will find someone who's interesting and cool. You will, Reader. You won't be alone forever. Your ovaries will not implode. You will not die from suffocating inside your own sad sack. So buck up. Recognize that fear is not reality but a state of mind. Don't let it become your state of being. You're gonna make it, after all.

And anyway, no one wants to fuck a Sad Saddington from Sadville.

Posted by Havilah

Here's a new (somewhat) regular segment wherein we'll feature a song we like and think you might also like.

Today it's P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason" featuring Nate Ruess (from fun). It's basically the reason we decided to do this segment about a month ago, so while it's pretty well played-out at this point, we still love it and it still deserves the first slot.

We love P!nk. She's a real betch's betch.

Posted by Havilah

Here's some super good advice which my couple-type Readers should definitely follow:

Don't take advice from single people on your currently tumultuous relationship.

Here's why:
When my friends come to me being all, "Meh, my boyfriend is the pits, he never does whatever thing I like him to do. Meh." Or perhaps, "I feel like he just doesn't, like, KNOW me like he used to." Or like, "We haven't had sex in a decade. But I looove him." It could even be, "I wanted a Snickers the other day and he wouldn't get me one." My answer, 90% of the time, to any of your relationship issues, is going to be, "Get out. Get out now before there are joint assets and/or children or god forbid shared debt! Get out!" And if your relationshipal (it's a word) counterpart does/says/omits ANYTHING, I mean anything whatsoever, that hurts your feelings even a little bit, I'm definitely going to be like, "That's abusive. You have to leave. You're clearly not happy. Stop wasting your life, it's too short. Etc." This advice is TERRIBLE! And it comes from a person who has no fucking idea what it means to actually work to preserve harmony in a relationship instead of bailing at the first sign of choppy waters. Also, singletons want two things in this world, and two things only: A) to not be single and B) for everyone else to be single. They yearn for others to share in their misery, so of course their first (perfectly natural) reaction to your plight is, "JOIN ME! THE WATER IS FIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

So, Coupled Readers, you've been warned. Don't go to your single friends with your relationshipal (I'm sticking with it) problems because they're going to find a way to make you question the entire foundation of the existence of your relationship. It won't help you. Go talk to your happily married aunt and uncle. They'll know what to do. Plus, they always pay for dinner.

Posted by Havilah

Remember that one time when you were suddenly like, "Holy shit! I don't give a shit about my ex anymore! HOLY SHIT!" And then you ran into the middle of the nearest crowded and sunshiny park, threw all your things on the ground and spun around looking up at the sky while laughing and saying, "I'M ALIVE AND I'M HAPPY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!" Remember that time? I do. I do, Readers. I was there. And I saluted you.

Sadly, I'm the type who hangs on to toxic relationships long past their expiration date. Like, I'll keep that shit in my fridge for like YEARS, Readers, until it's moldy and completely unrecognizable. So, when I'm walking under the overpass on a rainy day looking for my dealer and listening to India.Arie singing "The Heart of the Matter" in my headphones and of a sudden realize I've not only forgiven the dude I used to love, I've actually moved on from forgiving him to not even really giving a shit about him - it's a big fucking moment and yes, I said "Fucking eureka!" out loud. Then I spotted my drugist and just in time to not get molested by the bum with the barrel-fire.

The moral of the story is this, Readers:
Shit gets better. I ain't even gotta make a video because I know you know what I mean and you'll get there, Readers. You'll fucking get there. One day, you'll realize you gave away all your fucks and it's going to feel super awesome. So awesome, in fact, you might start using words like "eureka" even though you're not fully sure what they mean, they just feel so right.

Posted by Havilah

Dr. Alex Benzer (author of kitchy dating books, soul patch owner and a hypnotherapist...so, kind of take "doctor" with a grain of eye-roll) had Huffington Post readers to know that dating an actor is basically the worst idea you've ever had and provided them with 9 reasons why that is. He also wrongly reported that Brangelina are married. So, clearly he is neither a real doctor OR a real investigative journalist (like me).

His stupid shitty reasons are (and these are directly lifted from his article, I'm taking zero liberties) --

1. Actors are financially unstable
2. Actors are in a state of perpetual emergency
3. Actors have funny schedules
4. They are constantly exposed to rejection, hurting their self-esteem
5. They are in constant danger of being criticized publicly and therefore feel insecure
6. Their self-absorption leaves little room in their lives for others
7. They are incapable of sustained, deep happiness
8. Their satisfaction is externally determined
9. They inhabit a perceived state of permanent decline

My smart and whitty responses (corresponding by number) are --

1. So are hypnotherapists.
2. Klonopin. Duh.
3. You have funny chin hairs.
4. Rejection, in the right hands, can in fact contribute to an extremely sound and healthy self-esteem. So fuck off, doctah.
5. You're projecting.
6. I'm starting to think you've never actually even had a conversation with an actor.
7. Wait...WHAT?!?!? FUCK YOU RIGHT TO YOUR FUCKING FACE! That's just fucking mean, Alex. It's mean and shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you and your soul patch.
8. False. Check your facts.
9. You just made that up just now. That's not even a fucking thing.

Here's the main point, though. On the real. "Dr." Alex is a fucking asshole for suggesting that any group of people, no matter what their issues are (or are very much not), is undeserving of love. And if there are people who don't deserve to even be considered as someone you could love, then I'LL be the one who decides that. I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth, do I, doctah???? NO! And lastly, these are the shittiest (and saddest) reasons I've ever heard for turning down a shot at happiness with someone.

We hate "Dr." Alex Benzer. You can email him here (DrAlex@TaoOfDating.com) and tell him why you hate him, if you want. I did. I'll let you know if I hear back. He might be super busy with his super serious (and not at all funny) schedule of judging people and beard trimming.

UPDATE: The good "doctor" has either deleted all his accounts (email, Twitter and Facebook) or just provided bullshit information. Also, after visiting the website for the book "The Tao of Dating" (which Dr. Alex Benzer claims to have written), I see he wrote either the HuffPost article or the book under a pseudonym. So basically, "Dr." Alex is a fucking mysterious enigma and I am a badass investigator.

Posted by Havilah

So this dude just got acquitted of molesting two teenage girls in Daneland (aka Denmark, but I feel like if you're called Danish then you should be from Daneland...THIS IS AMERICA!) because he has - no shit - sexsomnia.

I'm not even fucking with you right now, Readers. Sexsomnia. That's the actual word, it's an actual thing, and he actually got acquitted of molesting teenage girls (who probably begged for it by wearing short skirts and halter tops to bed) because he has it.

Apparently, while rare, this is a pretty widely recognized sleep disorder among doctor/scientist types. People just go to sleep and whilst sleeping proceed to do sex things to those around them.

I'm not saying I have this, but like...I'm also not saying I've never woken up in the middle of the night and molested the dude next to me. And that's not rape, that's sexsomnia. It's a DISORDER, you guys!

Also, I wouldn't throw a sexsomniac out of bed. I just wouldn't.

Posted by Havilah

First, I'd like to start by saying that LinkedIn is not happening. Stop trying to make it happen, Corporate America. It's stupid. No one likes it. Same goes for you, Korean BBQ. No one really likes you! They're all just pretending. And another thing, if you don't live in the actual City of New York, then stop talking about giant sodas like you were at risk of losing them! This is not 9/11! You don't get to be part of this because you are an American and watched it on TV. This is our thing, goddamn it! This is our megalomaniac mayor! GET YOUR FUCKING OWN!

Now to something entirely unrelated:
Drunk dials from exes. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I'll admit, it's slightly flattering that I still pop into your mind, but outside of that slight flattery it's really just embarrassing for both of us (and your current wife/girlfriend/sometime-lover). Receiving a text saying something to the effect of, "I miss you" or "I was so wrong..." or "I still love you and I can't stand it" or fucking etcetera is not something that makes the heart pitter fucking patter when the person on the receiving end has spent weeks/months/years getting over your shitty dismissal of them and has finally moved on. So - taking a page out of Lisa Loveless's book - lose my fucking number. Please! I beg of you. And if you truly have a moment, with a sober mind, when you realize you really made a mistake by brushing me aside, then pick up the phone and call your fucking therapist 'cause I don't want to hear about your fucking bullshit regrets.

And that's the truth, Ruth.

Posted by Havilah